How high is too lofty of an ambition for a bland-by-nature shredded wheat brick?
It seems that the once humble bales are no longer content with simply sweet flavors like Blueberry and plainly Frosted. Now they’re aiming higher, seeking to be in the same strata of flavor decadence as cinnamon rolls, vanilla lattes, and now chocolate-covered strawberries.
With the expectations those desserts carry with them, that’s a heavy burden of responsibility for a crate of thatched wheat to bear. I’ll go into Post’s latest variety with an open-mind, but there’s one thing I’m calling up front:
A shredded wheat biscuit will never be an aphrodisiac.
Scientists have apparently perfected time travel…but only a couple months into the future…and, uh, they apparently can only bring back cereal: not any lottery numbers, sports almanacs, or whatever cryptocurrency is most valuable at the time (CrunchCoin?).
Okay maybe not, but breakfast wormholes are the only logical explanation for how the wonderful fellas at MyCountyMarket got ahold of not I, not II, and not III, but IV (allegedly: none are confirmed) upcoming cereals from General Mills—cereals so exciting and new that I’m cancelling the New Year’s Resolutions I haven’t even made yet.*
Let’s take a gander at our soon-to-be-spooned pantry-stuffers, shall we?
*UPDATE: MyCountryMarket’s video has been removed for reasons unknown.
Well, well, well: here we are again, Shredded Wheat.
My first experience with one of Shredded Wheat’s new trilogy of flavors, which not-so-subtly tries top compete with Frosted Mini-Wheats by, well, frosting the brand’s iconic miniature wheat biscuits and stuffing (allegedly) flavorful stuff inside, was cosmically bland. I swore I wouldn’t try another flavor. I started smashing all square and/or thatched things in my apparent. I even told people I was allergic to wheat—just the sight of it, not the taste.
But after being coerced by a trusted source to give this Mixed Berry variety a try, and after (unsurprisingly) failing to find Count Chocula when it’s still hot enough out to boil swimming pools into holy water, I find myself staring at a bowlful of vaguely mauve biscuits.
Alright, Shredded Wheat. Let’s do this. Just don’t forget: bore me once, shame on you. Bore me twice, I’m going to start crank-calling the National Wheat Foundation out of juvenile spite. Continue reading →
Let me ask you a question I believe Socrates himself once pondered: what is the difference between a cinnamon roll and a cinnamon bun?
Google seems to think there isn’t one, but my heart tells me otherwise. To me, a cinnamon roll could mean anything from a half-eaten Cinnabon dropped on an airport floor to a half-eaten hunk of raw Pillsbury cinnamon roll dough, noshed straight out of the tube. A cinnamon bun, on the other hand, exudes homemade quality and must be baked with care. A cinnamon bun must be given the same craftsmanship as a sourdough loaf or an artisan pretzel bun.
Don’t believe me that cinnamon buns are raised with love? When’s the last time you heard a pregnant woman say “I’ve got a roll in the oven”?
Exactly. And this whole bun/roll rigamarole is further proved by Frosted Cinnamon Roll Shredded Wheat, one of three new Post cereals—alongside Mixed Berry and S’Mores—that tries revitalizing Shredded Wheat’s reputation of being about as flavorful as sand-dusted burlap. Frosted Cinnamon Roll attempts to turn wheat into treat by adding cinnamon sugar frosting and a filling of vanilla chips, but let’s just say there’s a good reason this cereal isn’t called “Frosted Cinnamon Bun Shredded Wheat.”
To quote the eminent wordsmith Will.i.am: “Where is the love?” Continue reading →
Frosted Mini-Wheats, prepare to Frosted Mini-Meet your maker.
Post Shredded Wheat has been around for a while, but until now, Shredded Wheat hasn’t exactly been the more exciting brand of thatched wheat biscuits. Somehow, kids prefer Frosted Mini-Wheats’ caked-on frosting and oceans of saccharine detritus in their cereal boxes over sugar-free bran and glisteningly sticky roasted nut flavor.
But now all that is about to change. In the wake of what is perhaps Frosted Mini-Wheats’ greatest cereal sin, changing their classy biscuit mascot to some sort of SpongeBobian abomination, Post has debuted three new bite-sized Shredded Wheat varieties. Mixed Berry, Cinnamon Roll, and S’Mores Bites are already excitingly unique flavors on their own, but each new biscuity breed is also filled with flavored chips to (hopefully) make their dry wheat exteriors explode with bursts of berry, vanilla, and chocolate flavor, respectively.
Not since Hidden Treasures Cereal have I been so geeked to get backhanded in the taste buds.
Shoutout to reader Austin K. for sending me this photo from Walmart. I look forward to collecting all three boxes like they’re semisweet-stuffed Pokémon cards, mixing all three into a single bowl, and playing a dangerous game of berry bushel/bakery/bonfire roulette.
If you’ve got a cereal photo of your own to share, snap, crackle, and pop right on over to our submissions page!
The main teaching of karma is “what goes around comes around.”
Then how come Kashi’s new Dark Cocoa Karma shredded wheat cereal comes as a square, and not a round loop?
Looks like you really missed a chance to tie your tasty breakfast offerings into the cyclical nature of moral interchange, Kashi.
That’s okay. I’m willing to forgive your philosophical blunder if this exciting cereal actually tastes good. I say “exciting” because Dark Cocoa Karma is essentially the second ever cereal—after Chocolate Toast Crunch—to combine chocolate and cinnamon in the same bowl.
Time to pop on a DVD of My Name is Earl and find some cinnamon chocolate zen. Continue reading →
