Tag Archives: quaker

Review: Aunt Jemima & Cap’n Crunch’s Berrytastic Pancake Mix with Ocean Blue Syrup

So, I have this tradition. Every March 6th, without fail, just before my temple greets its parish of pillows, I will jolt awake with childlike wonder and adultlike anxiety, having suddenly remembered that National Cereal Day is on March 7th, and I’ve totally forgotten to draft up meaningful content.

Cut to me, scraggled by crummy overhead lighting and disheveled as the pantry shelves I’m whipping through like a lethargic whirlwind. I mean, can you blame me? Sure, I’ve got cereal on my mind a lot, but National Cereal Day has long been an annual anomaly that exists without discernible reason nor rhyme, just an arbitrarily selected and sweetened day from the never-ending passage of time.

I’m sure that’s just my brain complaining though, as it desperately wishes to get back to its dreams of supermodels eating soups or salads or whatever else my nefarious noggin gets into when I’m severed from it by sleep. After all, what better way to celebrate everyone’s favorite morning munchie than by groggily griddling up the stuff by the battered scoopful at 2am?

Though it may not be a proper cereal, Cap’n Crunch and Aunt Jemima’s historic new partnership is practically begging for National Cereal Day’s spotlight. Why? Well, not because it’s good, but because it’s so stupid, it’s great.

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Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: cap'n crunch, maple, non cereal, quaker. 4 Comments

Jan. ’20

Spooned & Spotted: Smartfood Cap’n Crunch’s Crunch Berries Popcorn Mix

Some cereal mix-’em-ups make sense: after all, the likes of Muddy Buddies and Rice Krispies Treats have largely superseded the reputation of their constituent cereals and become dessert icons in their own right. Though I’d still eat literal puppy chow if it meant getting a Muddy Buddies Cereal.

Then there are others that feel fresh off the boat from some Procedurally Generated Ideas Summit, held annually in international waters where all laws of common sense don’t apply—and Cap’n Crunch has had his fare share of nautically nonsensical tie-ins.

Now I’m not saying that a Cap’n Crunch’s Crunch Berries Popcorn Mix doesn’t sound downright delectable—after all, it wouldn’t be the Cap’n’s first foray out of the cereal bowl and into an oddly shaped crystal dinner party bowl. But where those earlier mixes presented unique flavors unseen in cereal-form Cap’n Crunch—and with greater depth of candied add-ons—Smartfood’s new Crunch Berries Popcorn Mix feels comparatively uninspired.

I mean, Crunch Berries already have a corn ‘n’ oat base, while Cap’n’s golden chest pieces are known for their buttery goodness. Therefore I have to imagine that we won’t gain much beyond a little salt and some textural contrast by subbing kernels for chests. From what little we can see of this popcorn mix—this first photo was generously provided by Dijana J. on Instagram—the Crunch Berries stand alone in the realm of mix-ins. As if getting hulls stuck in your teeth wasn’t bad enough, what’s a little salt for your roof-of-mouth wounds too?

Here’s hoping the nether region of this bag reveals some sweet surprises, otherwise we have no choice but to wait for Smartfood to roll out DLC M&M’s.

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Specials. Tags: cap'n crunch, quaker. 1 Comment

Jun. ’19

Spooned & Spotted: Cap’n Crunch’s Hero Crunch

What better way to celebrate the Fourth of July than with the Fourth patriotic Cap’n Crunch box to come out in the past two years?

Personally, I never expected last year’s mythically rumored and inscrutably unavailable Freedom Crunch to spread its wings once more, but now it’s reprinting its same red, white, and blue Crunch Berries like they’re state quarters.

This year, we saw the concept return in a milder, more bottle rocketed form, and just this month, we saw it debut with perhaps its most creative art yet—one that ditches the Cap’n’s stink eye in favor of one that borders on a Crunch-led assault against Independence Day alien invaders.

Finally, we have the above, Dollar General-exclusive Hero Crunch. This is perhaps the most bizarre case of an unnecessary product variant I’ve seen in four score and seven years, between the militant (and likely ineffective) camouflage and the unadorned Cap’n whose arm appears to be reverberating through space and time.

I mean c’mon, couldn’t they have at least given him a ghillie suit?

Our thanks to Gabe Fonseca for the photo. You can find Hero Crunch now at Dollar General—if it doesn’t blend into the shelves.

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Specials. Tags: cap'n crunch, holiday, quaker, spooned & spotted. 4 Comments

Jun. ’19

Review: Cap’n Crunch’s Cotton Candy Crunch

For most of my life, I thought the best thing about cotton candy was its mascot: that nameless pink monster who not only looks like the lovechild of Mr. Bubble and a loofah, but who also deserves a place at the Halloween breakfast table right next to Chocula and his ilk.

But now that I’ve grown into a bubbly loafer of an adult, I’m just as enthralled with cotton candy’s many monikers around the world. It was first called ‘dragon’s breath’ in China’s Han dynasty around 200 CE, ‘candy floss’ in many European countries today, ‘sugar spin’ in Norway…’grandma’s hair’ in Greece…and…uhh…’dad’s beard’ in France.

And here I thought eating cotton sounded unappealing. “Better fluff than follicles,” as my clean-shaven dad always said.

Thanks to Quaker and Cap’n Crunch, we now have a new way to talk about cotton candy: with our mouths full. By turning the melt-in-your-mouth ephemera of cotton candy into something crunchy and tongue-stable, the Cap’n is expanding his line of wacky one-offs with Cotton Candy Crunch.

Unfortunately, I don’t have a nearby circus or country fair to review (and deep fry) this stuff at, but luckily, I’m enough of a clown that I feel qualified to taste test it from the comfort of my big honkin’ bed. Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: 8 rating, cap'n crunch, quaker. 14 Comments

May. ’19

Spooned & Spotted: Cap’n Crunch’s Red, White & Blue Crunch

For yet another boring Crunch Berry palette swap, this is still a juicy development for the Cap’n.

Close followers of Crunchian lore will remember a certain Freedom Crunch, a hyper-patriotic Cap’n variant that I discovered last summer and later redacted, after hearing from Cap’n Crunch that it was never actually produced. But then, I received word from Minnesota that the cereal demonstrably did reach at least one very select market (ironic for a nationally branded cereal). The truth of Freedom Crunch’s purgatorial existence has never been revealed—but hey, the stuff even has an officially licensed shirt! Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Specials. Tags: cap'n crunch, quaker, spooned & spotted. 6 Comments

Mar. ’19

News: Cap’n Crunch’s Cotton Candy Crunch Cereal is Coming Soon!

Cap'n Crunch's Cotton Candy Crunch Cereal Box

(Photo via My County Market)

That’s what I love about Cap’n Crunch: he really knows how to C’ze the day.

Yes, reading the near-perfect alliteration of this blog post’s title allowed can give you an idea of just how fast my c-c-cardiovascular system is working to keep up with news this exciting. For after a couple doubled-down strawberry duds, Quaker’s quintessential cereal character is back with a wispy whirlwind of creativity, the likes of which we haven’t seen since Blueberry Pancake Crunch.

And speaking of never-before-seen innovation, Cap’n Crunch’s Cotton Candy Crunch is poised to (somehow) be the first cereal to knit everyone’s favorite sugary skeins into spherical cereal form. This is a surprise to me at least, since the cult appeal of cotton candy foodstuffs like Bubble Yum and, uh, grapes? make the state fair classic a more logical pick for a carnival-themed cereal than…”berry.” Plus—and this one is definitely just me—the ridiculous charm of cotton candy personifications like The Monster and Rollercoaster Tycoon’s Candyfloss Stalls are just begging for a crossover commercial with someone like Cap’n Crunch.

And heck, why not throw in Scooby-Doo while they’re at it?

Though my thanks go to The Junk Food Aisle for first tipping me off to Cotton Candy Crunch’s product listing, additional gratitude goes to the kind folks at My County Market, who generously supplied the above photo that reveals the stuff’s cool two-toned Crunch Berries that I’d happily string onto fishing line to create a sticky-sweet necklace—the perfect accessory for getting scammed out of $12 at the ring toss.

We can likely expect Cotton Candy Crunch to hit most shelves through late spring, into early summer. Until then, let’s just hope it doesn’t debut with a cringe-worthy .gif of Cap’n Crunch doing “The CandyFloss Dance” from his favorite game “FortBite.”

Posted by dan g.. Categories: News. Tags: cap'n crunch, news, quaker. 4 Comments

Feb. ’19

Classic Review: King Vitaman Cereal

The abdication of an edible monarchy is an interesting thing, and a recurring concept amongst snack sovereigns. Perhaps it’s the unpopularity of ivory-towered mascots when compared to working class leprechauns and rabbits, but in past decades we’ve seen King Don usurped by a facelessly caked corporate hegemony, and the Burger King reduced to a mere figurehead—as the chain’s reigning fast feudalists find the best way to create viral stunts without improving food quality.

Yet, the cereal aisle’s top 1% of the 2% has been ruling largely in private since 1968, like an old god who clings to his last few believers. Yes, King Vitaman cereal still exists—much to my own surprise—though its production has been severely stifled in recent years. Much like another cult-favorite Quaker cereal, Quisp, your best bets for finding a box of King Vitaman in 2019 are outlet stores, the Internet, and maybe a haunted garage sale.

The cereal has a history richer than its vitamin & mineral content, dating back to its forced vowel tweak to Vitaman, as the FDA forbids non-vitamins to call themselves vitamins. Go figure. While I’ve long been uncertain how to pronounce this tasty tyrant’s name (my brain wants to think “veeta-man,” not unlike how a clueless parent would mispronounce “Digimon”), I have nothing but respect for his lineage of descendants.

King Vitaman I (whom the above commercial names to affirm my phonetic idiocy), joined by the villainous Not-So-Bright Knight, defended his breakfast riches with a steely scepter. He loses respect points for hoarding wealth, but remains a people’s champ for taking decisive action instead of relying on henchmen and fallguys.

King Vitaman II, the most beloved and recognizable, earned wide acclaim for giving the cartoon king’s spirit corporeal form. Portrayed by George Mann from 1971 to his death in 1977, King Vitaman II will be forever martyred as one of few live action cereal mascots, as well as someone who could easily bare-knuckle box the Burger King and punt him off a parapet. Rest in peace, your highness. Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: 7 rating, cap'n crunch, classic, quaker. 12 Comments

Jan. ’19

Review: Cap’n Crunch’s Strawberry Shortcake Crunch

“Let them eat cake.” — Cap’n Horatio Magellan Crunch

Well, probably. The origin of that quote is disputed by historians, biographers, and cereal box scribes, so it may very well have been everyone’s favorite breakfast boatman. After all, the never-aging Cap’n appears to be forever sailing in some timeless sea or milky non-place, so an 1843 quotation would feel like yesterday to such a mustachioed morning mainstay.

I’ve been analyzing Crunchian flavor trends already, but Cap’n “Deliciousness of the Endless” Crunch seems to have a growing fixation on cakes. After all, doughnuts are pretty much fried cakes—as are pancakes—so his latest variety may suggest more crunchy cakes in the future.

It’s called Strawberry Shortcake Crunch, and whatever mild conceptual surprise it brings is compounded by its genuinely interesting choice to pair Crunch Berry pieces with loops instead of classic Cap’n chests. Was this done to simply mimic a round, puffed pastry? To make it easier to squelch whipped cream into every piece? Or perhaps to nefariously lure Sonic the Hedgehog into his watery grave?

Because I don’t know about you, but I can’t rule out that Cap’n Crunch is just Dr. Eggman in disguise.

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Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: 6 rating, cap'n crunch, quaker, strawberry. 4 Comments