You ever hear news so good, it gets you feeling a little warm?
But not like, the bad, sweaty, smelly kind. Or the hauntingly feverish kind either. More like the cozily grill-lined, hot & toasty feeling of a warm blanket, or perhaps a toaster set to massage mode.
That’s how I felt when receiving visual confirmation that Pop-Tarts Crunch, a cereal thought to be lost by the technicolor dawn of Y2K and then unsuccessfully rebooted around 2013, will be returning to shelves on just as the year 20-ea-ting ends.
Unicorns get everything from cereal and Frappuccinos to bath bombs and top-tier piñatas, while Bigfoot and Nessie bat clean-up witha solid cult following and a great Napoleon Dynamite cameo.
Yet I’ve never once seen a Mothman Cereal–let alone Chupacabra Frappuccinos. That’s what makes @junkfoodgoat‘s discovery of new Unicorn Power Frosted Cherry Pop-Tarts at Sam’s Club all the more bittersweet. Because while I can’t wait to munch into some Lisa Frank-style toaster pastries, I wish there was at least a Michigan Dog Man Toaster Strudel to compete with.
Sadly, the Pop-Tarts do appear to be only Cherry flavored, as opposed to Kellogg’s “Magical Cupcake” cereal that appears to bear nearly the same unicorn design.
Maybe the scarlet cherry filling is actually immortal blood?
Thanks again to Junk Food Goat for sharing. Apparently this variety will also be out in smaller boxes as “Sparkle-licious Cherry.” Once I do find a box of my own, I’ll be sure to dunk them in Red Bull to make Pegasus Pop-Tarts.
Finally: a nostalgic reboot that’s got me hopeful again.
From French Milquetoast Crunch to Oreo Oh…s, the cereal industry’s recent revivals of straight-off-the-BuzzFeed-list cult classic morning munchies have all been good, but they lose their luster when compared to the originals. So like every Ghost of a Buster or CGI’d Rugrat, I’ve started viewing cereal remakes with trepidation, guarding my fond memories like a stash of pre-Y2K canned goods.
(I’ll let you all into my bunker if you remember to bring the milk.)
You ever have that one kid at your school who was really weird back in the day but is now doing super cool stuff?
You know, the kid who would eat paste like pasta sauce in elementary school, hiss at kids in the hallway in middle school, and insist on being called “Chuck” in high school, even though his name was like, Roger? The kid who would eventually grow up to make crazy science stuff, or build bridges? Or at least build cool LEGO dioramas in his basement?
Haha, I know you all had a kid like that, but there definitely wasn’t one in my school. Ahah, why is everyone looking at me.
Long autobiography short, Great Value is like that kid. I’ve never once had a Great Value Toaster Pastry—I always preferred Kroger’s store brand because of its crudely adorable Toaster Treats mascot—but seeing them release a mystery flavor, before even Pop-Tarts or Toaster Strudel (who knows, Toaster Treat might be brewing up a fan-elected flavor)
Great Value just turned its bargain rectangle reputation into one that’s handsome and enigmatic. Could it be an appropriately Walmart flavor, like Fruit Punch Pickles? Could it be a Dum-Dum-style production error (like Fruit Punch Pickles)? Or could it be the flavor of a Walmart floor itself?
Only the unseen foiled abyss knows the answer. I’m going in. Continue reading →
Just as sure as there will be fads in fashion, from Crocs & bedazzled jeans to high-water pants and bedazzled Crocs, there will be fads in food that was and wane with the years and seasons.
But while most taste trends wear themselves out—pumpkin spice, sriracha, maple bacon, and the ’70s’ aspic-encapsulated everything spring to mind—salted caramel is one of few (hi, avocado) recent buzz-powered foodstuffs that actually stands the taste of time.
Which is why I’m glad Walmart and Kellogg’s decided to not release jellied Aspic Pop-Tarts and instead gave us Chocolatey Salted Caramel, a sodium-supplemented upgrade to plain ol’ Chocolatey Caramel, who now appears in my memory like a fragile Squirtle to this NaC(arame)l Blastoise.
So while I’m encouraged by the premise, there’s only one way to know how good these are. And friends, it doesn’t involve a peppermill. Continue reading →
Over two years ago now, Kellogg’s dropped Chocolatey Caramel Pop-Tarts on us, and they were pretty great, but not “I’ll buy them over Cookie Dough Pop-Tarts” good. With a pretty traditional flavor combo that never made BuzzFeed headlines, it seemed like a flavor that couldn’t contend in such a gimmick-based breakfast climate and would soon roll off the shelves like a box of rogue Rolos.
But rather than succumbing to its fate, Chocolatey Caramel Pop-Tarts have teamed up with the exclusive-loving folks at Wally World to churn out this Walmart-only flavor that cybernetically enhances the Pop-Tarts’ classic taste with something appropriately trendy: salt, which I hope won’t be as disastrous as the last time they tried a savory Pop-Tart.
Chocolatey Salted Caramel Pop-Tarts have already been spotted out in the wild at various Dollar Generals and Chuck E. Cheese’s (just kidding: just Walmart). But until I find them, I’ll content myself with ideating other fad-friendly Pop-Tart upgrades: Sriracha Chocolate Fudge? Rosé Pink Lemonade? Ooh, how about Quinoa Hot Fudge Sundae?
Leave it to Kellogg’s to know what we want, before we even want it.
If the arcane flavor wizards behind Pop-Tarts came to me like genies in the night, asking what my ideal combo of an old and new toaster pastry would be, it wouldn’t include Strawberry and Cheesecake—only because I’m not creative enough. I’d probably say something dumb, like Maple Brown Sugar + Honey, Raspberry + Doughnut, or Chocolate Fudge + Cookie Butter.
Wait, wait: those are good ideas. Who told you I wasn’t creative, Kellogg’s? Get your best poppin’ people on these! But seriously, Strawberry Cheesecake Pop-Tarts are genius, too. So genius, that I’d love to see a whole factory, just making cheesecake Pop-Tarts!
I’d call it…The Mascarpone Mill.
While the idea is good, the last Pop-Tarts Splitz I had left me a little apprehensive—its two strong flavor personalities argued more than they played nice—so the only solution is to dive in to one of these suckers like a kid into a pool full of cheesecake.
(If I say “pool full of cheesecake” enough times, I’m hoping Sara Lee will make it a reality) Continue reading →
You can’t just slap two things together and expect it to be delicious. As a midnight pantry plunderer since a young age, I’ve learned this the hard way. Because it’s a slippery slope. First there’s peanut butter and honey sandwiches, then there’s peanut butter and pickles.
Before long, you’ve branched out into condiments and there’s ketchup on your Cheetos and popcorn. Shame not the boy I was: admire the man it hardened me into.
The first of Pop-Tarts’ two* new** Splitz varieties is far less risky—sugar cookies and brownies are long-time alumni of Grandma’s Dessert Table University—but it doesn’t necessarily mean the two are better together.
I mean, one was voted Most Creative (because of the icing) and the other was voted Biggest Stoner.
Of course, the only way to test these two’s flavor chemistry is to hunker down on the couch with a box and hope my pants down split three pastries later. A paramedic with a sewing machine is on hand.
*The other is Strawberry Cheesecake.
*Not entirely new: P-T Splitz were born and killed a decade ago in more boring flavors.
