Tag Archives: pop-tarts

Review: Pop-Tarts Giant Party Pastry!

This is big.

Very, literally, and very literally big.

But it’s also one of a precious small number.

Yes, this rectangular beast is one of only 45 Pop-Tarts “Party Pastries” ever made, and I never expected to actually get one. Like with most hyper-limited-edition breakfast grails, I expected bots and scalpers to scoop up all 45 of ‘em before we everypeople could even type in our zip codes. Not to mention, Kellogg’s said they would only deliver these hulking Party Pastries to addresses in New York City, Los Angeles, and Chicago—three cities I definitely don’t live in.

But yet, just like how love and life always find a way, so too did fate’s strawberry-red thread weave together serendipitous circumstances that allowed my mouth to meet this meaty toaster pastry (as if there’s a toaster in the world—or even an MRI machine—that could fit it). $60 later, and with the help of multiple beloved friends both Chicagoan and generously-willing-to-drive-6-hours-round-trip-while-I-was-in-Alaska, my (our) 3’x2’ munch-strosity landed safely.

And life was never the same.

…Well, it’s actually pretty much the same. Just a bit more bloated.
Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: kellogg's, pop-tarts. 3 Comments

Apr. ’22

News: Snickerdoodle Pop-Tarts

Huh. Okay!

Sorry for lacking excitement on this one, but Snickerdoodle Pop-Tarts, debuting this May, just seem…redundant? I mean, what will they be able to do that P-T’s deuteragonist Brown Sugar Cinnamon hasn’t been doing so iconically for decades? And why do the sprinkles look like petri dish cultures? And why does the snickerdoodle cookie on the packaging simultaneously look like a cookie and, from a warped perspective, a loaf of bread?

Lots of quibbles and questions here, and my complaints are surely arbitrary, but in a world where we’ve still never seen like, a Honey Pop-Tart, it is a little disappointing to see Kellogg’s re-tread old sweet-breaded territory. Oh well! We all know I’ll still be cramming my Tart-hole like a sentient VCR come May.

Posted by dan g.. Categories: News. Tags: cinnamon, kellogg's, news, pop-tarts. 2 Comments

Mar. ’22

Review: Boston Creme Donut Pop-Tarts

Milk Chocolate Graham

Choco Graham Pop-Tarts

Milkchocolategraham Poptart Wheretofind

Why’d they stop making MCG PTs

Bring Back Milk Chocolate Graham Pop-Tarts

Ope, sorry, I thought this was Google for a second. You see, it’s been eight years since Pop-Tarts, for their 50th brand-iversary, brought retro flavor Milk Chocolate Graham back to shelves (it’s original release date is unclear, but way before I was born), and I still haven’t gotten over it. The little things were pretty unassuming and didn’t yield many rave reviews, but I adored them for their graham forwardness and the way they eschewed the fluffy filler of S’Mores Pop-Tarts to focus on that campfire treat’s real most defining components.

To this day, Milk Chocolate Graham is my favorite Pop-Tarts flavor ever, and chocolate Pop-Tarts in general are my favorite toaster pastry genre, so whenever a new Choco-Tart drops, I muster a few feeble prayers in hope that the new kid on the fudgy block will live up to the precedent set by the likes of Chocolate Fudge, Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough, and yes, Milk Chocolate Graham.

Boston Creme Donut Pop-Tarts are the latest such Tart in the Brotherhood of Sweet, Sweet Brown—the first new chocolate Pop-Tart flavor, in fact, since 2020’s phenomenal Chocolatey Churro. But are these BCD Pop-Tarts an answer to my prayers, or the cruel curling of a monkey paw’s middle finger? There’s only one way to find out, and it involves wiggling my own fingers whimsically with a “don’t mind if I do” muttered in my empty kitchen. Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: chocolate, kellogg's, non cereal, pop-tarts. 5 Comments

Feb. ’22

Review: Eggo Maple Waffle Pop-Tarts & Apple Fritter Pop-Tarts

Edible trading cards.

That’s what I’ve been calling Pop-Tarts for years, and it only feels more accurate the wackier these little pastries get. I mean, think about it: foil wrapping, colorfully zany designs, printed fun, mysteries, and different attack formations (plain, toasted, frozen).

What, you’re telling me you’ve never crammed your Blue-Eyes White Dragon in the toaster? No wonder you’ve lost touch with the ~~Heart~~ Tart of the Cards.

Anyway, Kellogg’s latest P-T booster pack boasts some heavy hitters: Eggo Frosted Maple, Apple Fritter, and Boston Creme Donut (which I was tragically unable to track down). Let’s let these first two duel it out on the battlefield of my palate, and see who ends up with more life points (spoiler alert, but after eating this many Pop-Tarts, it certainly won’t be me). Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: apple, kellogg's, maple, pop-tarts. 2 Comments

Oct. ’21

News: Frosted Maple Eggo Pop-Tarts

Well if it isn’t the no-brainer patrol, here with a new Pop-Tart flavor that should’ve been made years ago.

I mean c’mon, maple is such a good flavor. It’s probably in my top 5, with the legendary likes of PB&J and gingerbread. But there have only been two maple-flavored Pop-Tarts, and both came with drawbacks. 2012’s Mapley Brown Sugar Oatmeal Delights Pop-Tarts were incredible, but they were only around for a very limited time and I only ended up trying them in a dusty, nearly expired form after unearthing them a year later at some catacomb of a grocery outlet. Meanwhile, Maple Bacon Pop-Tarts were about as appetizing as a pig’s belch.

Finally, though, we’re getting an allegedly permanent and straightforward maple toaster pastry with Eggo Frosted Maple Pop-Tarts, debuting this December. Granted, it would’ve been cool if they actually gave the Tarts little indented squares, but hey, if I want syrup pockets, I can always squelch some Mrs. Butterworth into my jorts.

All that said…

…while my bloggerly duties would feel unfulfilled if I didn’t report on news like this, it’s also my due journalistic diligence to remind you that 1400 Kellogg’s factory workers are on strike right now, fighting for healthcare, retirement benefits, vacation pay, and for their jobs not to be outsourced altogether! Hopefully they can reach an agreement before December, so we can all enjoy Eggo Pop-Tarts, but ultimately, the livelihoods of the people working hard to make our breakfasts are far more important than some sweet ‘n’ sticky toaster slab.

I encourage you to join me in standing with these brave Kellogg’s workers by avoiding Kellogg’s purchases until an agreement is met.

Posted by dan g.. Categories: News. Tags: news, pop-tarts. 1 Comment

Jun. ’21

Review: New Fruity Pop-Tarts (Peach Cobbler, Banana Creme Pie & Lemon Creme Pie!)

Picture it: somewhere, just at the fringes of your imagination, in the middling space between reality and the dreamworld, lies a shimmering castle made from pastry crust. And it is in this prismatic palace—where the lucid may not set foot, lest they wish to be toasted into this kingdom’s very foundations—that a great and powerful sorcerer distills the divine will of some great cosmic breakfast entity into new Pop-Tart flavors.

I mean, sure, it sounds farfetched, but how else do you explain the sheer lunacy of all these new Pop-Tarts?

Pshh, like some buttoned-up bozos in a boardroom could dream up Banana Creme Pie Pop-Tarts. Don’t make me laugh. We all know the toaster pastries I’m about to try stem from just three of Frosted Lord Convectia’s many holy appendages.

Now, allow me to pay Him his due respects, by gorging myself on a bacchanal buffet of processed fruit rectangles. Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: banana, kellogg's, lemon, peach, pop-tarts. 1 Comment

May. ’21

Review: Mister E. Pop-Tarts (Mystery Flavor!)

What’s the opposite of the Kool-Aid Man? A hollowed-out cherry full of molten glass?

Well whoever he is, somebody better call him, because we’re gonna need a hearty “Oh, noooooo” to kick this review off.

I know, I know: I just shared the news about these Mystery Flavor Pop-Tarts two days ago, and here I am already reviewing them. Well, despite having a portly pantry’s worth of actual cereals awaiting review, after tasting Mister E. Pop-Tarts I knew they had to jump the queue.

See, Pop-Tarts didn’t do what Great Value Mystery Toaster Pastries did, by introducing a fruit punchy flavor so vague it could be anything from grape to grapefruit. However, Pop-Tarts also didn’t do what I hoped they would do: introduce a universally palatable, yet unique, flavor like Chocolate Hazelnut or Honey Pop-Tarts.

No, what Pop-Tarts did was bold—exceptionally so, considering how you have to blindly commit to 16 Pop-Tarts when you buy these.

What Pop-Tarts did…was totally prank us. Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: kellogg's, pop-tarts. 41 Comments

May. ’21

News: Mystery Flavor Pop-Tarts

Hmm, moustache flavor?

Ooh: sunglasses flavor?

Well, I’m all out of ideas. I guess it’s hard to guess when I haven’t tasted new Mystery Flavor Pop-Tarts, or Mister E. Pop-Tarts, as they’re calling them. At least we won’t have to wait long, as Mister E. Pop-Tarts are hitting shelves this month. Here’s the origin story from Kellogg’s:

“How did this flavor come to be? Rumor has it, a masked culprit broke into the Pop-Tarts factory and created a mysterious and delicious new flavor. Pop-Tarts loved it so much, they hired Mister E, a world-class flavor investigator and title character on the new Pop-Tarts box, to solve the case.

But Mister E needs help from Pop-Tarts lovers everywhere! Fans are invited to share their best flavor guesses for a chance to win epic prizes. After taking a bite, just scan the QR code on the box to visit the entry website and submit your guess. The sweepstakes opens May 27, 2021.”

Honestly, I’m more interested in whether there’ll be a canonical answer as to who the “masked culprit” was. Maybe that’s just a copyright neutral way of explaining why the mystery flavor is like, Crunch Berries or something.

Ultimately, this isn’t the first time a toaster pastry brand has tested our taste buds with an edible enigma: Walmart’s Great Value Toaster Pastries had a mystery flavor back in 2018. I don’t think the truth was ever fully revealed—and the taste was super generic, so I said “Fruit Punch.” Hopefully Mister E. Pop-Tarts—whatever the heck they are—are distinctive enough to tantalize the tip of my tongue.

Posted by dan g.. Categories: News. Tags: kellogg's, news, pop-tarts. 2 Comments