How ironic: this cereal news has turned my brain into scrambled eggs.

Seriously, I thought General Mills’ recent Cinnamoji Toast Crunch news was so steeped in modern cultural lingo and touchstones that it could be a cognitohazard weaponized by time travelers, but if you showed Pebbles’ latest launch to, say, a Bedrock-era caveman, you’d be more likely to kickstart an esoteric new religion.

But let me try to explain it anyway. Apparently, LeBron James has loved Pebbles cereal since he was a kid, so he’s teamed up with Post and Nike for a new color variant of not-so-new Magic Fruity Pebbles (which taste just like normal Fruity Pebbles, by the way). This cereal includes a coupon for 20% off any one item on Nike.com, as well as a chance to win the star of the promo: a pair of Nike’s LeBron James 19 Low Magic Fruity PEBBLES™ sneakers.

These sneakers are where the real high strangeness kicks off. Not only do they have an image of the red & yellow Magic Pebbles textured onto them, but the shoes, like the cereal, also have a special color-changing technology that I’ll just let the PR folks explain:

“The real magic is the new 19 Low’s Photochromic DCS Technology where the shoe’s airbag uses the power of the sun’s UV light to transition a completely clear Air unit to a purple colorway. This first-time collaboration between Fruity PEBBLES x LeBron means fans everywhere can unlock two colorways, both on and off the court.”

Ope, now I think my scrambled brain’s been burnt into the cast iron pan that is my skull.

Whether or not it’s capable for mere human minds to fully grasp the breadth of this promo, I have to admit the shoes are pretty cool. I’m no baller—not basket, base, or foot, at least. Maybe goof.—but I’d love to wear a pair to like, the grocery store, so I can further cement my status as the most uneasily eager weirdo in the cereal aisle.

Ugh, typical: another job lost to automation.

Well at least, “AI-generated cereal mixology” is the only rational explanation I can think of for Post’s new Pebbles Shake Ups! cereal pouches and the nonsensical menagerie of cereal pieces contained therein. First off, you’ve got Birthday Cake Pebbles Boulders, which is an edible enigma in its own right. Not only did I never expect Pebbles to dust off the spherical, ten-year-old Pebbles Boulders sub-brand, but they decided to create a new Boulders flavor just to use in these Shake Ups! Pebbles Boulders proper were only ever released in Caramel Apple and Chocolate Peanut Butter varieties, so Birthday Cake Pebbles Boulders are a new cereal released within a new cereal mix—that is, unless you assume these Boulders are just rebranded Birthday Cake Timbits Cereal pieces (which they totally are).

Rounding out this odd ensemble are Waffle Crisp squares and “Salted Pretzel Bits.” Don’t get me wrong, I love Waffle Crisp, and actual salty pretzel sound interesting, but a taste trilogy of birthday cake, maple, and salted pretzel seems just a little too random to rev my engine. Continue reading →