Imagine if you bit into a Twinkie, and it tasted like a stick of margarine.
Picture this: your fully factorized cheesecake is naught but Crisco and gelatin.
Or perhaps you wake up tomorrow, and your mom’s chocolate-chip cookies are actually worse than oatmeal raisin in disguise: they taste like unsweetened raisins and uncooked instant oats.
That’s the type of disappointment you can expect from Kraft’s new Jet-Puffed Lucky Charms Magical Marshmallows. Yes, I was already put on guard when ordering these online—to this day, my conspiracy theory is that, since Kellogg’s and Post were founded in Michigan, General Mills has cursed us with poor product distribution—because all online listings for these bear impressively unanimous one-star reviews. And it’s not hard to see why. Continue reading →
Happy Halloween! Boy do I have a trick and a treat up my sleeve (where it isn’t melting; just in my mouth) for you. In fact, the trick is the treat:
BOO! I’m not actually reviewing a cereal today! In fact, it’s nothing you should eat for breakfast at all—well, except on Halloween, when all servings can be called “fun sized” as long as you’re having fun eating them.
They’re called Creepy Cocoa Crisp M&M’s, and based solely on the Faux-coa Krispies rendered on the bag, I’m calling this an officially unofficial Halloween Cereal. In vaguely spooky colors of red, orange and brown (why can’t they release special edition jet-black M&M’s filled with, oh I don’t know, glowstick juice?), Creepy Cocoa Crisp M&M’s, otherwise known as C³M², are jumbo dark chocolate morsels filled with an aptly and vaguely named “Cocoa Crisp Center.”
All I’m gonna say before opening the bag is that, since Mars couldn’t be edgy enough to give Red the Beelzebub costume he was born to wear, they better at least make his bat-winged brooch the prize inside. Continue reading →
(Yes, I know the best by date is before I post this—rest assured, I tested them literally just in time before it was too late.)
Heh, if you thought the economic prognosis for cereal was grim, then its perennial bowlfellow is facing an udderly dire future.
Of course, as active eaters are focusing on more energizing breakfasts, and as dairy consumption is plummeting by the billions of dollars, interest in milk alternatives is increasing amongst consumers across all levels of lactose tolerance. Oat milk, especially, is taking off as the hippest, sippest stuff to put on your cereal—especially if you’re eating a creepy–corny cereal that desperately needs to throwback to the good oat days.
In a radical effort to make milk more appealing to modern kids, Borden Farms has launched three State Fair-inspired milk flavors in select, fair-friendly states. Symbolically implying a situation wherein a blue-ribbon 4H cow broke loose from the clumsy trappings of man to storm the deep-fried fairway before being milked by opportunistic carnies looking to get the most bang out of their heifer-heisted buck, these milks bring Blueberry Cobbler, Banana Taffy, and Cotton Candy to the breakfast table.
Overlooking the clear missed opportunity for a caramelized Funnel Cake Milk (milked from real elephant ears!), this potent lineup of tastes was kindly sent to me by Borden’s Elsie the Cow herself, who pseudo-calmly reminded me between moos that I simply must squat on my stoop in anticipation of a shipment that must be refrigerated immediately in order to keep her sweet nectar crisp and uncurdled.
Well, mission accomplished, Elsie. I don’t do many milk reviews on this site, but given that atomically hued milks are practically begging to be poured atop flavorfully complementary cereals, I couldn’t resist the chance to get a little artsy with my pairings. Here’s hoping I at least get a participation ribbon in the Pastoral Landscapes category. Continue reading →
You know, if it weren’t for the Country Music Awards, we might not be in this mess.
See, the use of “Cereal,” “Cereal Bowl” or any other such noshing nomenclature really needs to be standardized. When a company tries to infuse cereal flavor into a distinctly non-cereal entity, there’s no bottom line for quality control or forced respect for the wild diversity of cereal flavor available. Much like the Food & Drug Administration, I feel we need to establish a similar agency to ensure we don’t grow complacent with plain ol’ cinnamon as the generic stand-in for cerealized snacks.
Such a bureau would have to be called the Cereal & Milk Administration, but who would take our acronym seriously?
Now I’m not knocking on Target’s Market Pantry store brand, but out of all the possible iconic cereal tastes you could choose as the stuff’s ice cream ambassador, the likeness of Cinnamon Toast Crunch—itself an interpretation of a different breakfastuff—seems underwhelming compared to the possibilities presented by Froot Loops, Golden Grahams, or even Crunch Berries.
But hey, if Cereal Bowl Ice Cream sounds right up your aisle, don’t let my mildly lactose-intolerant mewling take your eyes off the prize. I’ll still probably buy it, just to spite my intestines.
They’ve been getting reeeeeal cocky lately. Someone’s gotta put ’em in their place.
Ugh, is there anything in the world less appealing than Pink Confection?
…oh, wait, we’re not talking about McDonald’s nugget slurry? Allow me to revise:
Uhh, is there anything in the world that sounds less appealing than Pink Confection?
Sure, I’m aware of confections and the color pink, but I’m unsure I’ve ever seen those two words in tandem—not even on bags of Frosted Animal Cookies. Even a Google search of “Pink Confection” only turns up results for 7-Eleven’s Detective Pikachu candy bars, which lead us to believe the stuff is made from 100% All-American Angus Snubbull.
Oh, and there’s this tremendous articulation of the English language, as found in a 1962 issue of The New York Times:
Pink Confection Is Appealing Token of Love; Real Roses Adorn Light Cake for a Valentine Can Be Frozen
Well doesn’t that just tell us everything we need to know about the Froot Loopiest of 7-Eleven’s 7-Select Cereal Sweets bars?
These real-cereal-infused bars also come in not-Cinnamon Toast Crunch (in milk chocolate) and fake Fruity Pebbles (in an equally dubious White Confection), but I chose the one bearing “Fruity Hoops,” partly because the cinnamon one seemed too ‘safe,’ and partly because I love rosy hues, even when they’re in something that sounds like it’s been perfectly processed through an android unicorn colon.
Alright, I’ve roasted pink confection enough. Let’s give this bar a break!
I was going to ask why we’ve never gotten an M&M’s cereal yet, given that M&M’s Cocoa Krispies Treats exist and would make for a logical in-bowl deconstruction. But then I remembered that I’ve already put M&M’s on cereal before, during an ill-fated attempt at cereal trail-mixology that resulted in a food dye-streaked sea of milky raisin anchors. It had a sort of radioactive beauty.
Now that I’ve spread that memory contagion, I can move on. Perhaps testing the borders of what this blog will continue “cereal news,” Mars is releasing Creepy Cocoa Crisp M&M’s, which have already been spotted at Target. This means that either the Halloween season has annexed half of summer, or we’re about to waste away the dog days with werewolves.
Of course, Crispy M&M’s have been around for a while (after not being around for a bit), but Krispies be darned, their branding isn’t as overtly….Cerealous (I’m allowed to say that) as Creepy Cocoa Crisp.
Now, the gentle M&M’s consumer—who feels like inspiring autumnal dread in even the sunniest day—can more viscerally picture themselves carving open an M&M lengthwise to make two edible mini-bowls of chibi cereal crumbs. But hey, that Seymour-pleasing borealis coming off the spoon? And that nugget of a cloak clasp that is apparently giving Red nefarious spectral privileges?
You know what, I’m on board. Let’s skip past Emperor Augustus’ month and autumn’s crimson entrance, landing fudge-filling-first into Halloween’s now-crisper winds. Heck, let’s do the M&M’s Cereal too.
Phew. If just thinking about these cereal-adjacent M&M’s gets me this imaginative, eating them might make me drool auroral energy. But luckily, most of America probably has until September until this cereal–creature confection hits shelves. Our thanks to Munchie Bunchie for sharing the first spotting, from notoriously pro-M&M retailer Target.
There’s a billboard just down the road from my local Carl’s Jr. that posits “Love is great, but food never broke my heart.”
Lies! You see, Hardee’s (who moonlights as Carl’s Jr. due to a grill experiment gone deliciously awry) was my tribe’s preferred burger joint back in the ’90s, when everything was better, from radio to the base grain of certain eagerly-anticipated monster-themed cereals. Family trips to Hardee’s were highlighted by curly fries. Sure, other chains had them (you’re a champ for sticking with it, Arby’s!), but the perfect blend of peppery orange curls came from the only chain bold enough to combine Apollo 13 with POGs. Sadly, much like that gravity-bending collab, curly fries were lost to fast food lore when Carl’s Jr. married into the clan.
So (artificially) color me surprised that you’re-not-my-real-dad’s counter-service conservatism was repealed for a moment to make way for Froot Loops…donuts?! That’s right, just as Kellogg’s cereals are striking back against the General Mills Halloween empire, those neon-hued rebels are also coming for your throne, Little Debbie. And if the Wars taught us anything, it’s that you shouldn’t underestimate the power of small, bright green packages. Continue reading →
There are certain events in the cereal world that take on a great historic significance. Events that I end up referencing constantly in future reviews, party conversations, and poorly thought out wedding toasts.
In recent memory, a few spring to mind: the one-year resurrection of Frute Brute & Yummy Mummy monster cereals, the permanent revival of ’90s classics French Toast Crunch & Oreo O’s, and the documentary-worthy fall/rise of Tiny Toast & Honeycomb.
These events will no-doubt earn diagrams, if not call-out boxes in any future cereal history book. And after trying 7-Eleven’s infinitely hype-able Cap’n Crunch’s Crunch Berries Slurpee, I’m convinced it deserves its own chapter, one worth driving all the way out to the only 7-Eleven in West Michigan to be a part of. Continue reading →
