Tag Archives: non cereal

Review: Cinnamon Toast Crunch & Lucky Charms Light Ice Cream

I’m putting on my waffle cone chainmail and wielding a shield forged from molten maraschino cherries, because what I’m about to say will no-doubt spark a meltdown in the frozen brains of whole-blooded ice cream diehards everywhere:

I like light ice cream.

Yes, I know it has a lot less authentic milk fat, and I know there’s a certain broad threshold between light ice cream and ‘frozen desserts’ that further muddles the clarity of creamishness involved. But I’m also a grown baby with sensitive teeth and a mild lactose problem, so something soft and tolerably intolerable is a lot more appealing than a brick of pasteurized pain in my gut.

I like to think that Edy’s/Dreyer’s made this pair of Cinnamon Toast Crunch and Lucky Charms ice creams light solely so I, their favorite cereal reviewer, could safely discuss them. I know, in reality, that it was a matter of cost, but hey: let me have this fantasy as I go scoop deep into churned versions of General Mills’ two most spun-off cereals. Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: general mills, ice cream, lucky charms, non cereal, toast crunch. Leave a comment

Apr. ’20

News: Golden Grahams S’Mores Toaster Strudel

Look at that supple off-brown coloring.
The choco-mallow paste-full thickness of it.
Oh my god, it even has an icing mark.

Truly, the above product’s visage is enough to make any appetite go psycho: I mean, my favorite mainstream cereal (and also the most underrated), Golden Grahams? Paired with its natural complementary flavors and baked into a flaky brick of striated goo? Not even the grim deadlights of the Pillsbury Doughboy—who appears to be filled with more botox than biscuit dough by this point–could stop me from inserting these puppies into my mouth like buttery 8-track tapes.

First shared by Candy Hunting, S’Mores Golden Grahams Toaster Strudel is the latest freezer aisle-exclusive spinoff for a cereal that rarely gets any. Granted, S’Mores Toaster Strudel isn’t exactly a new phenomenon, as we’ve seen them in both 2013 and 2016. But hey, you could slap a Golden Grahams logo on a box of plain ol’ Teddy Grahams and I’d blissfully hibernate in a cave built purely of compact crumbs.

Despite the complete box art, there’s no set release date for this cereal Toaster Strudel variety, but don’t let that stop you from whittling a S’Mores Pop-Tart into a haphazard cereal spoon.

Posted by dan g.. Categories: News. Tags: general mills, golden grahams, non cereal, s'mores. Leave a comment

Apr. ’20

Review: Confetti Cake Pop-Tarts Bites

Mainstays, icons, the A team: every brand’s got ’em, whether they’re flavors or sub-brands.

For Quaker cereal it’s Cap’n Crunch (and maybe Life). General Mills has Cheerios, Lucky Charms and Cinnamon Toast Crunch to do the bulk of its flavor licensing work. Post’s are arguably Honey Bunches and Pebbles, which is, itself, a two-faced Janus of Fruity & Cocoa. Likewise, Kellogg’s translates to Frosted Flakes and Froot Loops, plus Pop-Tarts, too.

As above, so below. If brand-level marketing has to tick certain option boxes, so too should a peripheral Pop-Tarts product have to do justice to what I’m calling The Big Four. Pop-Tarts’ finest. We got the higher ups in Bites form, as well as Chocolatey Fudge—which is a quasi-quintessential Pop-Tarts variety alongside Cookies & Creme.

But we’ve heard nothing about #3 & #4, S’Mores & Wild Berry. They complete this sacred quartet by further balancing rich and fruity sweetness.

No, instead of going with a proper, albeit unberried, wild card flavor like Hot Fudge Sundae or a Gone Nutty! variety, we got Confetti Cupcake Pop-Tarts Bites. Well, now it’s just Confetti Cake. Whether this was meant to be a symbolic instance of macro- vs. microcosm or not, one thing’s for certain: Confetti Cupcake Pop-Tarts were never that good to begin with. Certainly not Bites material. Heck, If I wanted a handful of bite-sized compound sugar bombs, I’d spread Cool Whip between some Frosted Animal Cookies.

But I’ve whined enough. I’ll pop open a pouch with an open mind, and give these angel-cake devils their due.

Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: kellogg's, non cereal, pop-tarts. Leave a comment

Mar. ’20

Review: Aunt Jemima & Cap’n Crunch’s Berrytastic Pancake Mix with Ocean Blue Syrup

So, I have this tradition. Every March 6th, without fail, just before my temple greets its parish of pillows, I will jolt awake with childlike wonder and adultlike anxiety, having suddenly remembered that National Cereal Day is on March 7th, and I’ve totally forgotten to draft up meaningful content.

Cut to me, scraggled by crummy overhead lighting and disheveled as the pantry shelves I’m whipping through like a lethargic whirlwind. I mean, can you blame me? Sure, I’ve got cereal on my mind a lot, but National Cereal Day has long been an annual anomaly that exists without discernible reason nor rhyme, just an arbitrarily selected and sweetened day from the never-ending passage of time.

I’m sure that’s just my brain complaining though, as it desperately wishes to get back to its dreams of supermodels eating soups or salads or whatever else my nefarious noggin gets into when I’m severed from it by sleep. After all, what better way to celebrate everyone’s favorite morning munchie than by groggily griddling up the stuff by the battered scoopful at 2am?

Though it may not be a proper cereal, Cap’n Crunch and Aunt Jemima’s historic new partnership is practically begging for National Cereal Day’s spotlight. Why? Well, not because it’s good, but because it’s so stupid, it’s great.

Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: cap'n crunch, maple, non cereal, quaker. 4 Comments

Mar. ’20

Spooned & Spotted: Cereal & Pancakes! (IHOP & Cap’n Crunch)

(UPDATED MARCH 2: IHOP is adding frequent Lucky Charms co-collaborator Cinnamon Toast Crunch to their cereal pancake ensemble, and Cap’n Crunch too!)

Finally. Validation.

For too long, I’ve been playfully chided by friends, frenemies and sea anemones alike for my admittedly uncommon habit of drizzling maple syrup on just about every cereal out there—just to see if it’s good! And it almost always is! But now? IHOP is giving me implicit permission to go full hog on a stack of cereal pancakes, amber lagoon and all.

What’s that? There’s no mention of syrup in this ad for IHOP’s new Cereal Pancakes? Well, there’s (strangely) no explicit brand mention of Lucky Charms either, so forgive me for wanting what is already no-doubt a brain-buzzer of sugary madness to slide down my gullet a bit easier.

Sure the Lucky Charms (Fruity Lucky Charms, specifically) pieces are exciting, but what’s got me geeked here is the “CREAMY CEREAL MILK MOUSSE” drizzled about with ersatz artistry. No clue exactly what it’ll taste like, but if I’m already taking creative liberties with these panned cakes, I might as well scrape off all the mousse, replace it with syrup, and take it home to eat with a bowl of Eggo Cereal.

Because no disrespect to IHOP, but only one ounce of awesomeness? I can do better. Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Specials. Tags: cap'n crunch, lucky charms, maple, non cereal, spooned & spotted. 4 Comments

Feb. ’20

News: Swiss Miss Hot Cocoa with Lucky Charms Marshmallows

Ever wonder what one of those iridescent parking lot oil slicks would taste like? Well now you won’t have to risk braincells nor brawn to find out, because once these Lucky Charms marshmallows melt into your Swiss Miss Hot Cocoa, I have to imagine the resulting soup will call to mind muddy puddles, dirt pies, and watercolor mixers.

But will Swiss Miss with Lucky Charms Marshmallows still taste good? Almost certainly, because there’s really nothing Lucky Charms branded marshmallows will add to this Nesquikish stew that mini marshmallows haven’t already been doing for centuries.

Nevertheless, expect these hot mixes to hit shelves any day now—if nothing else, I can guarantee they’ll taste better than the kind of cocoa my kid self made by microwaving chocolate milk.

Posted by dan g.. Categories: News. Tags: general mills, lucky charms, marshmallows, news, non cereal. Leave a comment

Feb. ’20

Review: Coffee Mate Cinnamon Toast Crunch Coffee Creamer

Sure, Dr. Robotnik might be smart in the 2020 Valentine’s Day box office darling Sonic the Hedgehog, but can he see why caffeine-addicted young adults love the taste of Cinnamon Toast Crunch Coffee Creamer?

It’s got cinnamon sugar swirls in every swig: it’s the taste that can seep!

Jokes and flossing hedgehogs aside, something’s been messing with my brain: the fact that we’ve gotten more semifluid additions to the Toast Crunch family lately than we have crunchable cereals.

Coupled with Malt-O-Meal’s successful reintroduction of Blueberry Muffin Toasters, this leaves me wondering whether Cinnamon Toast Crunch, ostensibly one of cereal’s most iconic names, is stagnating as a brand. I mean, the last Toast Crunch we got was just the same thing cylinderized! Where’s the return of Peanut Butter Toast Crunch? Where’s the PB&J sequel to Peanut Butter Toast Crunch I just thought of? And the trilogy-closing Elvis Toast Crunch that many critics would call “breakfast’s most cinematic feat”?

Sorry, I might just be jaded and jittery thanks to this taste test. I promise I’m not dismissing Coffee Mate’s new Cinnamon Toast Crunch Coffee Creamer before the review even starts—I’m just a mildly lactose intolerant cereal blogger who wants to get back to his oat milk. Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: general mills, non cereal, toast crunch. Leave a comment

Feb. ’20

Spooned & Spotted: Froot Loops White Chocolate Easter Bunny

What’s that old Froot Loops slogan again? “Follow your ears…to transcend earthly spheres!” Or something like that.

The point is that, through some unexpected matchmaking between Kellogg’s and candymaker Frankford, our world has birthed a warren of White Chocolate Froot Loops Easter Bunnies, each capable of supplementing their big-beaked father’s apparent lack of audio-capturing organs. With his sense of smell and these rabbits’ lengthy lobes, Toucan Sam’s many enemies will no longer be able to sneak up on him.

Samuel’s senses have become too powerful for this plane, and the only way for us to prevent rainbow-looped Ragnarok is to eat as many of these rascally reconnaissance rabbits as possible.

Though February has hardly even begun to let loose her polar powdered wrath, these edible heralds of Punxsutawney Phil’s prophesied early spring have already been spotted by Cerealously pal Sammy Hain at Big Lots. Naturally, the best move when you get your hands on a Froot Loops Easter Bunny will be to slice it up with a cheese cutter and serve it atop Froot Loops Pop-Tarts like a cardiac-arresting charcuterie board.

(Conversely, the worst move would be to try toasting these hares like said Pop-Tarts, but that’s between you and your kitchen appliances.)

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Specials. Tags: easter, froot loops, kellogg's, non cereal. Leave a comment