Tag Archives: non cereal

Review: Quaker Real Medleys Steel Cut Apple Pear Pecan Flavor Oatmeal

As the days get shorter, the names of all the Quaker oatmeal products out there keep getting longer. And while I may be about a month late on the “autumnal apple cinnamon” trend, I thought I’d toss out another oatmeal review for all of you out there who want to snuggle up by the fire with a warm bowl of mushy ‘meal.

So allow me to introduce the possibly new (who really knows when these things are new anymore? I think there are more Quaker oatmeal varieties than there are actual Quakers) Quaker Real Medleys Steel Cut Apple Pear Pecan Flavor Oatmeal!

Hey, these are steel cut! And steely is a synonym for cold-blooded! You know what else is cold?

Snow!

There’s the obvious winter connection. Phew, now I’m off the hook for being so late.

Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: 2 rating, non cereal, oatmeal, quaker. 2 Comments

Oct. ’15

Review: Spookylicious Frosted Chocolate Fudge Pop-Tarts

Like a zombie rising from its grave, the burning hot, neon orange frosted pastry pops out of the toaster. It doesn’t groan, but it does sizzle. And it isn’t hungry to eat brains. No, it wants to be the one that gets eaten!

And I’m happy to oblige. Back again for 2015 are Spookylicious Pop-Tarts. They’re pretty much just regular Chocolate Fudge Pop-Tarts that have instead been frosted jack-o-lantern orange and sneezed on by some great, sprinkle-spewing monster. Surprisingly, this idea somehow beat out “Fergilicious Pop-Tarts,” which would have been equally scary. Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: 9 rating, halloween, kelloggs, non cereal, pop-tarts. 1 Comment

Oct. ’15

Review: Frosted Pumpkin Pie Pop-Tarts vs. Trader Joe’s Organic Frosted Pumpkin Toaster Pastries

As the toaster pops up, it’s time for two pastries to throw down.

With little cartoon pumpkins spreading throughout grocery store aisles like some sort of vegetable venereal disease, it’s hard to know which products do the orange orb its proper justice. And when you’re 5 minutes late to work in the morning, you certainly don’t have time to philosophically pontificate over the pros and cons of different pumpkin breakfast options (“the frosting on this one really speaks to me, but what would Kierkegaard think?”).

But don’t worry. We’re here to help.

Better than Wrestlemania. Better than a monster truck rally. Better than the World Series, Stanley Cup championship, and Wimbledon all mixed together in a Super Bowl: it’s time for a toaster tart face-off.

Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: 6 rating, 8 rating, kelloggs, non cereal, pop-tarts, pumpkin, trader joe's. 2 Comments

Sep. ’15

Review: Franken Berry and Boo Berry Fruit Roll-Ups

I remember a simpler time. A time we call…elementary school.

Back in those days of yore, the lunchroom took upon its own savage ecosystem, with rivaling table kingdoms each simultaneously isolated in their rituals and customs but also warring and bartering with neighbors. Within each kingdom was a long-developed economy of trade, in which treats brought from home carried value that could only be priced in terms of other foods. And like a real economy, these values were ever-fluctuating.

But there was one processed snack that never deviated in its worthiness as edible currency: Fruit Roll-Ups.

While a plastic baggie of half-crumbled cookies may have been worth 3 pre-packaged fruit cups one day and nothing but stale graham crackers the next (after the crash of the unpredictable schoolyard stock market on Oreos, most likely), Fruit Roll-Ups were the gold standard. They never failed to attract the attention of brown paper bag-toting snack brokers everywhere.

And now? They’re going Halloween! Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: 7 rating, general mills, halloween, monster cereals, non cereal. Leave a comment

Aug. ’15

Review: Frosted Blue Raspberry Pop-Tarts

Lower your pitchforks, everyone!

I know: these new Frosted Blue Raspberry Pop-Tarts aren’t cereal! This is heresy! I should be impeached as editor-in-chief of this site and replaced with a candidate who uses fewer parentheses and unnecessary similes (I use as many parentheses as a mathematician doodling emoticons on his master’s thesis)!

But just hear me out. I’ve previously mentioned my love of Pop-Tarts, and I still stand by it. The way I see it, no other snack better embodies the spirit of cereal quite like Pop-Tarts. They have shiny wrappers that make you giddy just looking at them. Their neon frosting and filling aren’t trying to hide for one second the fact that they’re crammed with enough delicious sugar to make an elephant twitch. And best of all, their addictive flavor practically begs you to mow through a stack of them while marathoning re-runs of Full House.

So if the Pope can be an honorary Harlem Globetrotter, Pop-Tarts can be an honorary breakfast cereal. And hey: maybe they’ll even go all the way again someday. Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: 8 rating, kelloggs, non cereal, pop-tarts. 3 Comments

Aug. ’15

News: Count Chocula Beer is “Reanimated” with Help from General Mills

I vant to drink your beer!

Was that a Dracula impression, or an impression of someone who has polished off one two many cereal-themed alcoholic beverages?

Straight off of the news of General Mills and Fulton’s Wheaties-themed beer, the Big G is now making sure everyone has a hop-py Halloween, too. Last autumn, Colorado-based Black Bottle Brewery was in the news for slowly bleeding out their hometown’s supply of Count Chocula cereal for use in a Count Chocula-themed beer.

But this year, residents of Fort Collins—Black Bottle Brewery’s base of operations—no longer need to fear that caped hoarders will sneak into supermarkets during the dead of night and suck the cereal aisle dry of its cocoa-marshmallow lifeblood. That’s because, according to the Coloradoan, General Mills has so kindly supplied the brewers with boxes of the Count to use.

The Count’s flavor will be available on tap again at Black Bottle Brewery starting on August 25th. The Count Chocula beer is part of Black Bottle Brewery’s larger line of cereal brews that they have dubbed “Cerealiously.”

Wait, am I reading that right? Something about that name seems…strangely familiar.

So what does the Big G have in store next for cereal+beer tie-ins? One can only guess.

Honey Nut Beer-ios, perhaps?

Posted by dan g.. Categories: News. Tags: general mills, monster cereals, non cereal. 3 Comments

Aug. ’15

News: Wheaties Teams Up with Brewers to Make Wheaties Beer

(Image via General Mills)

Look out, cereal warriors, because General Mills and Minneapolis brewing company Fulton are bringing a whole new meaning to “breakfast of champions.”

That’s right, the fortified flakes known for their athlete-depicting, Nickelodeon orange-colored boxes (clearly I am not an athlete after that adjective) are partnering with their fellow Minnesota natives to launch HefeWheaties, a wheat beer with a design and taste inspired by Wheaties.

Just don’t use it to replace milk on your morning cereal. (Or do: we’d love to hear how it goes!) Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: News. Tags: general mills, non cereal, wheaties. Leave a comment

Aug. ’15

Review: Taco Bell Cap’n Crunch Delights

So Cap’n Crunch and I are pretty tight.

I mean, we follow each other and regularly converse on Twitter, he’s sent me t-shirts and letters, and heck, I even quoted him in my senior yearbook.

I really, really wish I was kidding about that last one.

Since we’re total cereal bros (still not sure how the Cap’n hasn’t implemented “sea-real” puns yet), hearing the news of Taco Bell’s new Cap’n Crunch Delights made me more excited than Smedley the Elephant. Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: 4 rating, cap'n crunch, non cereal. Leave a comment