Which Lucky Charms marshmallow is your favorite? Is it the mashed-up blue chunk? The pureéd orange bit? Ooh, or is it the pulverized pink smithereen? I love that one.
Well no matter which iconic Lucky Charms marbit you fancy, you’ll totally be able to recognize it in Burger King’s brand new Lucky Charms Shake. This cereal milkshake is an iridescent cylinder of rainbow-specked vanilla soft serve that’s blended with real Lucky Charms shrapnel and a secretive marshmallowy cereal syrup so rich with Lucky Charms flavor that whichever cow the ice cream came from is now shouting “It’s moo-gically delicious!” via an unseen telepathic stimulus.
Or at least, that’s my poetic interpretation of how Burger King describes its Lucky Charms Shake. It’ll take a serious taste test to see if the shake lives up to its namesake cereal’s legacy, and as someone who sucks at just about everything, I feel qualified to suck this breakfast–dessert hybrid down in the name of journalism. Continue reading →
I wholeheartedly support the powderization of all cereals and milks. One day, humanity will inevitably go too far and causes its own extinction by putting too much x-treme nacho cheese flavor into a single corn chip or attempting an Oreo flavor that tastes like God’s leftovers. When our food science hubris causes our downfall, I still want post-human lifeforms to enjoy Earthen snack culture by reconstituting old powdered foodstuffs with long shelf lives.
Hence why this line of new powdered Cereal Milk drink “Mixxers” is a step in the right direction. When the self-aware Doritos turn on us, I’ll still be able to savor a tall glass of Reese’s Puff-flavored milk while watching the atomic orange sun set on mankind.
And Peanut Butter Cup isn’t the only flavor, either. These innovative products, which seek to re-create the flavor of cereal endmilk without that daunting “eating cereal” part, also come in Frosted Flake and Cinnamon Crunch. And while I’d love to raise a GRRR-EAT Cinnamon Toast to all three varieties, these things cost as much as a family-sized cereal box. So I embraced my soul-deep Reese’s Cup love and took the choco-nutty plunge.
Now let’s mix this stuff into everything I have in my pantry. Look out, Chef Boyardee. Continue reading →
You may think that there’s nothing more delicious on a hot summer day than a fresh, juicy slice of watermelon. But true beach bums and Slip ‘n’ Slide savants know that a Watermelon Pop-Tart is is the more economic choice for warm weather refreshment. Just consider the benefits of eating a fruity watermelon crust quadrilateral over the real thing:
– Watermelon Pop-Tarts are seedless.
– Watermelon Pop-Tarts won’t ruin your white shorts with drippy mess.
– Real watermelons can’t be stored in your glove compartment.
– Real watermelons can’t be shoved into a toaster (without calamity, at least).
– Most of all, real watermelons taste like, well, water. Watermelon Pop-Tarts taste like zany water that went to clown college.
And while regular watermelons have gone for thousands of years without a flavor upgrade, Kellogg’s classic Watermelon Pop-Tarts have become jollier and atomically greener with the release of Watermelon Jolly Rancher Pop-Tarts. As the last Jolly Rancher Pop-Tart I’ll be reviewing, Watermelon has a chance to exceed the mixed reputations of its brethren: Green Apple is interestingly sweet & sour, while Cherry is like an egg roll stuffed with liquefied Swedish Fish.
With this precedent, I expect Watermelon Jolly Rancher Pop-Tarts to taste like ranch dressing. Continue reading →
In five seconds, I thought of three candy flavors I would’ve expected to exist before a Jolly Rancher Pop-Tart ever touched my tongue—let alone three Jolly Rancher Pop-Tarts. Heck, if you asked me last year, even more obscure candies like 100 Grand or Whoppers Pop-Tarts would’ve had a 100,000% higher likelihood of existing than Cherry Jolly Rancher Pop-Tarts.
(The only thing less likely would’ve been Circus Peanut Pop-Tarts)
Yet here I am, eating my ∞th iridescent Pop-Tart this week. I’m not mad that Jolly Rancher Pop-Tarts—a line that also includes Green Apple and Watermelon—exist, I’m just surprised. I might as well make the most of the most of these Tarts’ limited edition existence—with something this cosmically wacky, the toaster pastry gods could revoke their existential right at any moment—by reviewing them all in a week. It’s like they say: when life gives you cherry pastries colored redder than bloody murder, make some sort of -ade that belongs in an elevator at the Overlook Hotel.
And besides, if I really want a “traditional” candy bar Pop-Tart, I could just throw a Snickers into a panini press and make my own. Continue reading →
As I gaze upon these Green Apple Jolly Rancher Pop-Tarts, I must ask: has science gone too far?
A) Yes. Candy and pastries mixing? Next you’ll tell me there are Oil & Water Pop-Tarts.
B) No. Not far enough, actually. I want to see Pop-Tarts flavored Jolly Ranchers.
C) I really don’t care please just stuff neon-dyed dough rectangles into my mouth so I can make my tongue look like a cosmic bowling alley.
I would circle option C, but my hands are too covered in slippery green apple filling to get a grip on a pencil, mouse, or my life.
That’s right: there has been much buzz about Kellogg’s brand new Jolly Ranchers line of Pop-Tarts, which also includes Cherry and Watermelon. Some camps find the idea more nostalgic than spilled Crystal Pepsi in a used record shop, while some would rather drink a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino through an intra-nasal straw than eat something so potently technicolored.
Me? I’m just happy to be here. I’ll slip past the hype and let the Tarts’ flavors decide their fates. Let’s see if Green Apple is as suckable as its namesake candy, or if it just, well, sucks. Continue reading →
While the respective Golden Ages of Hollywood, video games, and breakfast cereal are (arguably) over, there are still plenty of things we’re still in the Golden Age of: memes, on-demand Full House re-runs, and yes, Oreo cookies.
Whereas the 20th century closed with only the most basic of Oreo flavors, and the early 2000s dawdled about with simple novelties like the Uh-Oh Oreo and Oreo Cakesters—which are, to be fair, still my favorite ever Oreo. I will forever lay psychic flowers on their imagined grave—the last couple years have seen a Doubled Stuffed explosion of more wacky Oreo varieties than my non-mathematics degree permits me to count. And now, with the recent, literally explosive release of cracklin’ Fireworks Oreo (and Waffles and Syrup Oreo, which I’ve wanted since I first met Hungry Jack), Oreo is letting fans brainstorm the newest flavor. Sandwich cookie savants can then enter ideas online for a chance to win $500,000, a trip to NYC, and their cookie concept brought to life.
And since we’re also in the Golden Age of me not being able to find enough new products to review—especially not those elusive Jolly Rancher Pop-Tarts that I’ve skulked through enough Walgreens to find that I deserve some kind of disturbed customer loyalty coupon for half off king-sized Peanut M&M’s at any participating Walgreens (or something like that)—I thought it would be fun to think up some cereal-themed Oreo varieties to enter in this #MyOreoCreation sweepstakes.
Cereal’s made it into Oreo cookies before, and Oreo has joined cereal to make the single greatest breakfast of all time, so this mutualistic relationship is proof that there’s enough cereal–Oreo potential to fill a new grocery aisle. We’ll call it the OreO’s aisle. And put it right by checkout so I can make a quick and shameless exit with an armful of crinkling cookie packages at roughly 2am each night.
Anyway, here are 5 Oreo ideas that’ll make Nabisco want to revoke my internet access. Continue reading →
What can I say: sometimes I just love cereal so much, I want to kiss it.
I know, I know: a bad one-liner to introduce a bad review. But since this Cinnamon Toast Crunch Lip Balm is the first ever non-edible product I’ve reviewed here, I didn’t know how else to start.
If the antiquated art didn’t give it away, this lip balm totally isn’t new, but I found it in a local grocery bargain bin—along with 10(!) other cereal “flavors”—and I couldn’t resist. I was tempted to drop a crisp green Alexander Hamilton, buy all of them, and coat my mouth ’til it became a living pair of those candy wax lips, but I found some self-restraint and chose the one that sounded like it’d be the most pleasant to have slathered near my taste buds all afternoon.
I’m not saying Cocoa Puff-smacked lips isn’t an appetizing idea, I’m just saying I’ve had enough public Mr. Goodbar mishaps to give me pause. Continue reading →
“I love this thing. I actually just had Froot Loops at 3a.m. last night—cereal really is great at any time of the day.”
You know a milkshake is gonna be good when you order it and the Burger King cashier feels inspired to gush over cereal. It was this serendipitous cereal fanboyism that made me certain BK’s new Froot Loops Shake would be true to its namesake breakfast classic before I even tried it.
When I first heard about this cereal milkshake, I was instantly excited. It sounded like the ol’ creepily masked monarch who gave humanity the Whopper had really outdone himself this time by mixing vanilla soft serve, Froot Loops cereal bits, a tantalizingly ambiguous “sweet sauce,” and whipped topping. But would the actual thing live up? I emerged from my tent outside a local Burger King bleary-eyed and thirsty for gooey, iridescently sugar-chunked dairy.
(Okay, I didn’t actually camp out waiting, but my brain hasn’t thought about anything else for this past week except Froot Loops Shakes and the occasional Reese’s Egg.) Continue reading →
