You know, I’m really starting to think this Sponged Robert character might take off. I mean look at him: he’s the epitome of glee, teaches kids basic geometry, and I’ve never even seen him do a Fortnite dance yet!
Maybe he belongs beside Mario at the virtual Olympics.
All Fry Cook Games aside, Nickelodeon & Kellogg’s licensed push for SpongeBob’s upcoming Sponge on the Run movie is continuing its run of admittedly uninspired breakfast tie-ins with these Sea Berry Pop-Tarts, already listed on Walmart.com. Continue reading →
Look, I’m ready for a new SpongeBob Cereal as much as the next square, but this? For a sponge that’s already been put through the wringer by staffing changes and ongoing Flanderization, Robert and his late-’90s childhood-defining reputation deserve better.
See, Kellogg’s “new” SpongeBob SquarePants Cereal, launching to promote this May’s Sponge on the Run, is a lazily deceptive union of existing Kellogg’s releases. The dreadfully bland vanilla pieces will be familiar to anyone who’s tried Kellogg’s last dump of cinematic cereals. Granted, these squares are a bit denser and have a more multigrained appeal than other cheap corn puffs, but it’s a bit unforgivable that Sponge on the Run Cereal recycles the same marbits seen way back in 2003’s SpongeBob Cereal—without the unique Jellyfish shaped pieces!
At least General Mills’ chintzy Bikini Bottom cash grab fruit-flavored its Sponge & Pat-shaped swill:
So now, instead of dignifying this DoodleBob of a cereal with any more words—oh, there are also Rice Krispies Treats that taste the same but with SB on the packaging—I will instead list Sponge-worthy flavors Kellogg’s could’ve explored:
Kelp, Glove, Sandwich Made with Jellyfish Jelly, Fried Oyster Skin, Seanut Brittle, Bobby Sauce, or of course, Triple Gooberberry Sunrise. Heck, I’d even take a Nasty Patty Cereal at this point.
Is it just me, or does “marbit” sound an awful lot like “varmint?”
I’m not saying I don’t like what is perhaps cereal’s single most iconic component, but the mythical munchability of freeze-dried marshmallows, at least to me, has been their scarcity. The Biblical parable of the child who carefully picked all the marshmallows out of his Lucky Charms, only for his father to make him eat the soggy oats alongside the family donkey still rings true: “he who hems and haws makes himself an ass.”
Uh, I think that’s the…unreleased fifth letter to the Corinthians. You wouldn’t know it: Paul wrote it at a different school.
So much did I enjoy the rare treat of breakfast marshmallows as a child that I feel spoiled now—or at least my appetite is. Every cereal from Apple Jacks to Frosted Flakes is chucking marshmallows into classic cereals with no respect for tradition, boundaries, or mouthfeel. And now they’ve gotten to Trix, too. A cereal that has never been paired with marshmallows before this year of Twenty-Silly-Bunny.
It’d be a low-hanging comedic fruit to say it feels like the cereal industry is Trolling us with all these clumsily composed marshmallow cereals, but I will say that, thanks to the Trolls 2: World Tour branding on these Trix, I’m marginally more optimistic about the concept. Because while I deeply, even spiritually prefer the Trix fruit shapes to spheres, I will admit that swirled spheres are aesthetically pleasing enough to thread onto a friendship bracelet.
If I made two, how fast do you think UPS could get one to the Corinthians? Or at least, The Corinthian? I’ve had eyes for him for a while. Continue reading →
Never before has a new cereal pairing sounded so much like a Cosmopolitan quiz.
Are you a Kiss, or a Troll? We can tell you in one question
And that question would be something along the lines of:
If you could pick a sexy location for making whoopie, which would you choose:
A) The bathroom at a fancy fondue joint B) Under a dumpy bridge
No matter your alignment, I think it’s tough to be upset with either of General Mills’ two upcoming cereals—which we know about thanks entirely to @sega_retro_revival. Continue reading →
Let’s be real: if you’ve been keeping up with the cereal trend that’s been pushing me over the edge of polite and bloggerly cereal fanboyism toward the turgid wastelands of frustration and Snickerless un-me-ness, you might know what meme I plan to end this blurb with.
Yes, Kellogg’s keeps releasing boring cereals. They’re either fake-fruity loops or, well, they’re Frozen II Cereal: another licensed Lucky Charms knock-off that’s the exact same thing as Frozen Cereal, but with a new box. There are bland oat pieces. There are white snowballs and blue something-or-others. The point is, I didn’t expect anything more from a movie cereal, but I was at least hoping for a reason to review it. I’m sure there’s a young Frozen fan in your life who will demand this cereal with icy determination, but you might be better off dicing up some grocery store carrot cake and tossing it into a bowl of Donettes.
Do you love cereal as much as Han Solo knows Leia loves him?
Do you find yourself hyperdriving through boring, terrestrial cereals without a dent in your appetite?
Has your stomach ever rumbled so hard that you wondered whether there was a hypothermic Jedi warming himself inside you?
Well then you may be in luck: General Mills is teaming up with Lucasfilms again to bring back Star Wars Cereal. The last time we saw this stuff was in 2015/16, when it debuted in boxes bearing Yoda, Darth Vader, Kylo Ren, Rey and BB-8. After The Force Awakens, we didn’t get anything special for The Last Jedi. But now that The Rise of Skywalker is looming like a metropolitan cloud formation, we’re getting updated boxes featuring BB-8 and new droid D-O (who looks like a mobile megaphone), alongside Kylo Ren and a “red Sith Trooper” (who looks like a more vanilla Emperor’s Royal Guard).
Granted, this cereal really isn’t anything special: it’s a generic corn base with the same ol’, largely inscrutable marbit Darth Rorschachs.
But if you’re a die-hard Star Wars fan or the parent of one, you’ll probably want to sneak some of this into theaters this December—in a milk-filled fanny pack, of course. Just don’t expect the back of the box to be anything but a watered-down version of those Star Wars Cross-Section books.
I’ll be honest, even though it’s been out for over a week, Toy Story 4 has not yet graced my ideas. It’s not (entirely) about it being an unnecessary sequel, and more about how I have to pee so often during movies that it leaves massive plot holes in my memory if the staff refuse to pause it for me.
And yes, I did once try to slip out to the restroom during The Last Jedi, accidentally opened the door to outside, and bathed the theater in an embarrassing flood of blinding hyperspace.
But here in the comfort of my own home, I can find cinematic relief through open relieving—all while eating cheap cereal instead of $11 kids’ snack boxes (the gummies are just so good!). So as I crack open a box of Toy Story 4 Carnival Berry Cereal, I’m forced to interpret the plot based entirely on this sensory breakfast experience.
So far all I’ve garnered is that during the film, the toys are blessed (or cursed?) with the ability to sprint across empty air—even in a five-alarm red void. Let’s hope the taste features more character development…
♪ Spidey Berry, Spidey Berry, likely made by some dude named Gary. Filled with goo, and maybe fruit; this blogger’s in, hot pursuit. Look out, here comes the Spidey Berry! ♪
Just like Marvel’s sequel-happy universe, the Spider-Man Pop-Tart canon just keeps expanding. First we saw the 2002, Tobey Maguire-era Spidey-Berry Pop-Tarts, which featured a Wildberry filling perfect for a post-Pizza Time dessert. Then for 2012’s Amazing Spider-Man movie, we got YUM-AZING Vanilla. Now as Spider-Man: Far From Home is hitting theaters, Kellogg’s is rebooting Spidey-Berry into a hyphen-less version that trades the Wildberry for a comparatively less interesting Raspberry filling.
(Is Raspberry anyone’s favorite Pop-Tart? If so, you may have been bitten by a radioactively malevolent Raspberry Pi AI.)
What is more interesting is the printed icing, which can apparently be scanned through you phone to unlock an “online adventure,” hopefully one worthy of Mysterio’s own illusions. My excitement over this features stems entirely from the box’s prompt to “SCAN YOUR TART,” a three-word phrase that, on its own, has definitely never been written before, but which also references a single Pop-Tart as a Tart, something I’d never expect from a big, trademark-consistency-protecting company like Kellogg’s.
So while there’s nothing flavorfully new about Spidey Berry Pop-Tarts, already available online and in stores, the fact that breakfast is now a digital commodity means that we’re one step closer to summoning holographic monsters by sliding a Pop-Tart into a Yu-Gi-Oh Duel Disk.
