All I did was innocently pour myself a bowl of Cracklin’ Oat Bran. Sure, my friends told me that it was a “slippery slope,” and that “once you crackle, there’s no going backle.” But I didn’t listen. No cereal could be that good, let alone that addicting.
Yet here I am: curled up in the fetal position on a milk-stained mattress in the basement of some “Cracklin’ house.” As I pull myself to my feet, the air is dusty with cinnamon and graham. I stagger to the door, past the scores of bran junkies, savagely filling their spoons and stuffing their faces with little brown rectangles in a futile attempt to recapture the thrill of that first bowl. I leave, and blinded by the daylight (how long have I been here?), I wonder how I hit this new low.
The city is in ruins. Gangs have taken over the streets: burning down kids’ lemonade stands, filling mailboxes with wasps, and helping old ladies cross the street…BY THROWING THEM.
And it’s all because of the diabolical Crispix Corporation.
Are you a bad enough dude to stop them?
Let me amend that post-apocalyptic premise by saying that I have absolutely nothing against Crispix cereal. It just sounds exactly like the name of a generic, evil business conglomerate from an ’80s cyberpunk techno-dystopia movie. Continue reading →
Welcome to the first installment of “Spooned & Spotted,” a new feature that spotlights submissions from Cerealously readers regarding what tasty or noteworthy cereals they’ve eaten or seen in stores. We almost called it “Spoon-ted,” but that sounds like the kind of euphemism that you’d look up on Urban Dictionary and immediately regret afterwards.
Today’s cereal was spotted by reader Marc P. (thanks, Marc!). It’s Froot Loops Bloopers, and it puts the familiar tropical explosion flavor of the Froot loops you know and love into a much more Crunchberry-esque shape.
Are these meant to be the factory rejects that got caught in the loopification machine, and now Kellogg’s just wants to profit off the runts of the litter?
Is this merely a nefarious conspiracy to make more cereals in shapes that will scrape the roofs of our mouths?
Only Toucan Sam can know for sure. And as he cradles his technicolor Dragon Balls on the front of the box (which have apparently given him the messiah-like ability to walk on a tsunami of milk), we can only assume that he won’t be spilling the beans on that particular secret.
While Froot Loops Bloopers have actually been around since late last year, Marc stumbled upon them for the first time at his local Target while hunting down the new Pumpkin Puffins cereal. It just goes to show you that sometimes the most interesting cereals are hiding right underneath your nose. Keep hunting, cereal seekers, and as Toucan Sam himself always says…
If you’d like to see your picture or thoughts featured on a “Spooned & Spotted” post, click yourself right on over to our submissions page, or just email us at cerealously.net@gmail.com.
(EDIT 10/3: My review of Halloween Krave is live! Click here to read it! My review of Halloween Apple Jacks and Froot Loops can be read by clicking here!)
It’s all treats and no tricks from Kellogg’s this Halloween season. While General Mills has let their Monster Cereals out of the sarcophagus yet again, and Cap’n Crunch himself is spooking the cereal aisle with Halloween Crunch, the good people at Kellogg’s are firing on all cylinders with three fresh scares of their own.
First up is a jack-o-lantern colored Krave cereal. Unfortunately, the regular cereal shell is merely dyed orange, and there’s no unique pumpkin spice, candy corn, or even sweet potato flavor (okay, maybe that last one was a bit of a stretch). Just the same, milk-guzzling biscuit with that ol’ delicious milk chocolate filling.
I also secretly hoped for yellow dyed filling to mimic the healthy glow of a carved lantern, but this radiant orange is still enough to turn my Hallo-hype meter from “fun-sized” to “king-sized.”
Alongside Krave are new varieties of Froot Loops and Apple Jacks. Both fruity cereals will get marshmallows shaped like the different anatomical sections of a skeleton. This way, you can either build your own full skeleton or simply revel in the cannibalistic joy of chewing on pelvis-shaped sugar bits.
All three cereals come in delightful boxes that paint their respective mascots in dramatized, horror movie-esque styles. The Krave Chocovore is Coming to get you, Barbara, Toucan Sam has spent too long in the Overlook Hotel, and Apple & Cinnamon just stumbled on a house they can easily steal from, since the only person home is Macauley Caulkin. Wait, wrong holiday.
Look for these limited edition boxes in a store near you soon. But don’t wait too long: missing a bowl of these will surely make you howl in disappointment.
I know: these new Frosted Blue Raspberry Pop-Tarts aren’t cereal! This is heresy! I should be impeached as editor-in-chief of this site and replaced with a candidate who uses fewer parentheses and unnecessary similes (I use as many parentheses as a mathematician doodling emoticons on his master’s thesis)!
But just hear me out. I’ve previously mentioned my love of Pop-Tarts, and I still stand by it. The way I see it, no other snack better embodies the spirit of cereal quite like Pop-Tarts. They have shiny wrappers that make you giddy just looking at them. Their neon frosting and filling aren’t trying to hide for one second the fact that they’re crammed with enough delicious sugar to make an elephant twitch. And best of all, their addictive flavor practically begs you to mow through a stack of them while marathoning re-runs of Full House.
Hey Brendan Fraser, are you listening? Because boy, have I got a role for you!
At least that was my first thought after reading the long-winded name of Kellogg’s Origins Ancient Grains Blend Touch of Honey. Something about it makes it feel like the title of a lost sequel in The Mummy franchise, in which an unsuspecting archaeologist investigates the mysterious origins of an ancient people made entirely of anthropomorphized grain.
But there’s no bandaged mascots or occult monsters to be found here (sorry, Yummy Mummy fans!): just a cereal chock-full of earthy, grainy flavor. Oh, and honey. But just a touch of it.Continue reading →
Just in time for the exciting news about this autumn’s Pumpkin Spice Mini-Wheats, the latest installment in Gabe Fonseca’s wholesome and bowl-some Cereal Time series covers Frosted Mini-Wheats: everyone’s favorite sugary tumbleweeds (I mean that in the best way possible).
From their ginormous origins as mammoth wheat bricks, to their progressive shrinking into today’s bite-sized classics, all the way to the explosion of flavor options—including strawberry, blueberry, maple brown sugar, and the adorable Little Bites—these hearty squares have had quite the journey.
Not to mention they have the best mascot of all time. I would pay good money for a Mini-Wheat action figure (now with Kung-Fu fiber grip!).
As usual, be sure to check out Gabe on Twitter and watch all of his Cereal Time videos here. They’re just as addictive as a bowl of Frosted Mini-Wheats!
(Edit 9/30: My review of Special K Apple Cinnamon Crunch is live! Click here to read it! You can also read my review of Pumpkin Spice Frosted Mini-Wheats by clicking here!)
Even though our swimming pools are still uncovered and the smell of sunscreen still wafts delicately through the air, stores are rolling out the recognizable tastes of fall in every product imaginable (I expect even cat litter and shoe polish to be autumn-ified this year). And the two most popular flavors, pumpkin spice and apple cinnamon, could soon be in your cereal bowl, too. Continue reading →
