There are a lot of retro cereals Kellogg’s could’ve brought back.
Pokémon Cereal seems poised for a Detective Pikachu-themed comeback (hopefully without all the textured fur). OJ’s could fill the Orange Creampop Crunch-sized hole in my heart/roof of mouth. Or C3PO’s could return with special “Red Arm Marshmallows”—though I’m not sure anyone would recognize them at that point.
But no, rather than any of those, we got Strawberry Krispies. This 1983 cereal (with an early 2000s freeze-dried spiritual successor), is a tame choice—though I suppose it is a doubtlessly safer business investment for nosh-able necromancy than, say, Strawberry Crunchy Loggs.
But come on: that cereal was just a slow burner!
Wistful beggars can’t be choosers, I guess. Time to drown my crystal tears of extinct nostalgia in a few rose-tinted milk glasses instead.
And while he may have been talking about an arcane order of insidiously apprenticed malevolence, I think the moral of that particular space opera applies to honey nut cereals, as well. See, Honey Nut Cheerios didn’t become America’s favorite cereal off alleged heart-healthiness alone.
No, Buzz’s magnum O-pus is far and away the most famous honey-nutted nectar on cereal shelves because it understands balance and simplicity like no other. The neutral-by-nature Cheerios base is basted with a simply satisfying glaze of golden, cozy honey and authentically ambrosial almond earthiness.
And that’s it: always two enriching and bewitching flavors. No more, no less.
This minimalist breakfast mantra was on my mind when cracking open Kellogg’s new Honey Nut Frosted Flakes. Tony’s take on a honey nut cereal, set to debut everywhere in early 2019, is clearly tiger-eyeing Cheerios’ lion share of the niche.
But can a cereal already so sweet really add a veneer of honey and nut without sugar-watering it down? It’s time to bee thorough. Continue reading →
Understanding the pervasive appeal of Pop-Tarts Bites is easy:
Would you rather have a bite of pie, or a bite of entire pie?
A red Skittle or a concentrated rainbow pill?
The east wall of a gingerbread house, or the entire 20-acre gingerbread farm?
My point is that while any individual bite of a Pop-Tart—which maxes out at around a quarter-Tart in extreme cases, or at least in my own—cannot possibly contain the same measured deliciousness as the entirety of a Pop-Tart, as in all of the crust and everything inside, in one bite. It’s like having a party-sized pizza, which typically have contentiously hand-soiling Cheese Only slices, vs. a whole-crust-and-kaboodle Pizza Roll.
Yes, Pop-Tarts Bites are tasty enough to surpass my typically quasi-topical recipe for review introductions. These spiritual successors to Pop-Tarts Mini Crisps (née Popsters) naturally come in the toaster pastry brand’s two unshakeable pillars of flavor: Strawberry & Brown Sugar Cinnamon. The de facto Pop-Tarts royal family will begin appearing in all their shrunken glory come January, but for now, I was postally blessed via Kellogg’s with enough pouches to last me ’til Christmas (edit: Christmas Eve) (edit 2: Christmas Eve Eve).
What kinds of cereals do our various internal organs even enjoy?
I mean, I can pretty confidently say that my tongue enjoys anything sweet and preferably chocolaty, and my trachaea probably loves a good bowl of soft oatmeal after an incendiary round of car stereo sing-alongs. But what do you get for the pancreas that has everything? Or the discerning palate of a kidney?
A big ol’ bowl of milky beans?
Thankfully, Kellogg’s is helping cross one anatomical ally off our holiday gift list: the stomach. With the release of Big K’s new HI! Happy Inside cereal, we can now treat our Best Gastrointestinal Friend to its favorite stocking stuffer: a diverse kingdom of neighborly microflora!
(Image via Kellogg’s)
The cereal’s three alliterative flavors, Bold Blueberry, Simply Strawberry, and Coconut Crunch, all boast an alleged 3-in-1 benefit for gut health: prebiotics (for feeding helpful stomach bacteria), about a billion live units of probiotic bacteria, and your regular dose of fiber. Emphasis on the regular.
Reported by news sources as Kellogg’s first new product in 6 years—a statement that seems dubious by just about any interpretation—HI! Happy Inside can be purchased at Costco, through Boxed, on Amazon, or at Kellogg’s NYC Cafe, in both resealable pouches and bulk packs of cups.
The one caveat? These constructive gut bombs retail between $12.99 and $13.99, so if you aren’t too entranced by the opportunity to turn your digestive system into a prokaryotic zoo, you might be better off with Fiber One of Special K’s Nourish cereals for a boost of digestive health that’s easier to stomach.
Or you could just buy a dozen Krispy Kremes and eat the box—that’s how I was (self-)taught to eat my fiber.
Yet again, vegetables are forgotten in the breakfast aisle.
Don’t get me wrong, I love fruit: ketchup is my favorite! But corn flour shouldn’t be the only place nature’s more savory bounty can express its vegetableau of unique flavors.
I’m talking Zucchini Bread Toast Crunch. Sweet Dill Frosted Flakes. Maple Sweet Potato Casserole Cheerios (a boy can dream, can’t he?).
But no—with Kellogg’s newest two cereals in its seemingly endless harvest of upcoming products, sweet and juicy fruit top the breakfast food pyramid yet again.
I guess I can’t be too upset: I never got to try the original, 1983 incarnation of Strawberry Krispies, but it still has loyal fans, even 35 years later. So if 2007’s Rice Krispies with Strawberries was a bit of a slap in the face to them, I’d understand. Either way, both real nostalgiacs and wistful wannabes like me can rejoice, because Strawberry Krispies are getting a proper revival.
I’d imagine the natural first thing to do with these micro rose petal Krispies is to fon-douse it in chocolate milk. We don’t know a concrete release date yet, but I hope I don’t have to wait until Valentine’s Day to share a carton of chocolates with Strawberry Krispies.
Image via Kellogg’s
Kellogg’s other upcoming release, however, is all original: Frosted Mini-Wheats Fruit Medley.
Just looking at the box’s thick wheat biscuits, I automatically picture a disastrous dry beach-turned-mirage vacation—how could a cereal this dry do juicy fruit flavors justice?
But the more I consider Fruit Medley Mini-Wheats’ unique blend of peach, apple, and pear fruit flavors, the more I think it could work as more of a “spring pie” approach—at least that’s the season of release the box color’s would have me believe.
Though that just makes my unrealized dream of Carrot Cake Mini-Wheats all the more bittersweet.
So while these may just seem like two more cereals to toss on top of the laundry/pantry list of new cereals soon-to-come, I definitely think each has potential—even if only for a certain niche of wispy berry and Animal Crossing fruit blend fans.
As for me? Well until early 2019 releases its onslaught of promised sweets, I’ll be whittling eggplants into cereal spoons.
I’ve always wanted to see a Kellogg’s mascot Battle Royale, but this is way better.
Not only because the Raisin Bran Sun could roast the others in an instant of he wanted—honestly, I admire the electromagnetic restraint—but because the message behind Kellogg’s NYC‘s new All Together Cereal is much more important than a vitamin-fortified Fortnite.
Apparently only available today (10/18) at Kellogg’s NYC, the company’s New York cereal café featuring probably every combo of Frosted Flakes and Pop-Tarts mathematically imaginable, All Together Cereal puts all* of Kellogg’s most famously mascot-fronted cereals on one box!
*The Krave Chocovore doesn’t appear to have been invited. I guess cannibalism and equality are a bit at odds.
The cereal is a partnership between Kellogg’s and GLAAD, and it’s part of a wider pledge to stop bullying and support LGBTQ youth—a pledge I fully support, especially as it breaks from cereal’s typical pledge to support local dentists.
By my count (sorry Chocula, not you), there are seven iconic cereals all together-ed up in this box: Apple Jacks, Corn Flakes, Frosted Flakes, Froot Loops, Frosted Mini-Wheats, Raisin Bran, and Rice Krispies.
So while the message is great, I can’t imagine this would be a cereal I’d eat regularly—something about apple-cinnamon Frooty raisins suggests the combined flavors might be too much to gastronomically decode all at once. Probably for the best they didn’t throw Honey Smacks in there, too.
Jokes aside, if you’re in the area, this is both a good-natured and inevitably pretty rare box to get your hands on. Be sure to send photos if you do—though it like the box is exclusive, but the cereal might be “build-your-own” at the cafe—because if I can’t find a box online somehow, I’ll have to live vicariously through Kellogg’s NYC’s Instagram.
Or I could see how long it takes my local Walmart to notice I’ve assembled a mixing trough in the cereal aisle.
You heard me right. The important question here isn’t “are you excited to eat sweetly coated Rice Krispies Treats niblets?” because of course I am. And I’ve even got a special ladle ready to eat them by the scoopful.
No, I’m more interested to see which Rice Krispies elf posed each of these new Snap Crackle Poppers’ 3 flavors. Crackle is obviously the wildcard, making him a shoe-in for Cookies ‘n’ Créme—I mean, these lil Treat cubes even spell their flavor differently than their full, rectangularly prismatic selves. What’s wilder than adding an accent?
Don’t answer that.
As for Snap and Pop, it’s a toss up between who’s more boring and Vanilla Créme-y and who’s barely scraping creatively by with Chocolatey. Actually, I’ve decided: I don’t care, and I’d rather daydream about what flavor Pow, the long-lost Rice Krispies black sheep, would choose for a Snap Crackle Popper/Power.
It has to be something crazy enough to get him in existential trouble, so probably Sriracha or Nintendo Switch Cartridge flavored.
Either way, we can look forward to seeing all 3 flavors on shelves soon. Thanks to both The Junk Food Aisle and Candy Hunting for the find. If you have a nugget of cereal knowledge to share, you can always pass it along here for a chance to see it on the site. Happy snapping, crackling, popping, crunching, munching, and 3-course lunching!
Well, they’re all core ingredients in my new, patent-pending-a-restraining-order weight loss formula: Dumpy Dan’s morBID Your Pounds Goodbye Smoothie, which blends together 11 secret carbs and candies to help you lose weight by killing you instantly—thus slowing your metabolism! Best paired with exercise, do not try at home, work, or all.
Jokes aside, each iconic (or at least iconically squishy) food above is the flavorful star of Kellogg’s cereals rumored to be coming soon.
Based on tips from fellow snack food f(r)iends Junk Food Aisle and Candy Hunting, we’ve been able to confirm online grocery database listings for Banana Cream Frosted Flakes, Honey Nut Frosted Flakes, and a potential Peeps Cereal. Unfortunately, none have pictures, but the mental pictures they conjure are enough to leave my taste buds literally watering enough to figuratively fill a marshmallow-bedrocked lagoon.
The first is particularly exciting, because Banana Frosted Flakes have long been a cult favorite since Tony’s more straw-esome days. The second is also intriguing, because if any cereal has the potential to disrupt America’s comparatively wholesome, best-selling cereal, it’s sugar-smacked flakes of corn. After all, when’s the last time you saw a bee take down a tiger?
As for Peeps Cereal, we know very little—I would hope for more than a marshmallow-flavored marshmallow cereal, because ol’ Anthony T. Tiger has pretty much given us that already. Granted, we could be misinterpreting the rumors altogether, because the product’s listed name is “Kellogg’s Licensed Brands Cereal Peeps,” it might mean we’ll be getting Froot Loops and Smorz-flavored Peeps instead of the other way around.
But hey, maybe Kellogg’s is playing the long game, and they’ll just turn that into Froot Loop-flavored Peeps-flavored Cereal. Meta-licious!
Stay tuned to our blog and social media, where I’ll post any updates on this story as it develops. Thanks again to our tipsters—if you know anything more about any new cereals, hit up our Submissions page.
