At some point, we’re going to reach terminal cereal redundancy.
It might not be until President Anthony T. Tiger is democratically elected as GRRR-and Crunch Chancellor in 2814 (rightfully usurping the callously crafted throne of the militaristic Cap’n before him), but I predict that someday, every cereal will exist, and originality will be an obsolete concept.
Carrot Cake Krispies? Pshh, they made that way back in 2083.
Unadorned Sponge Cake Toast Crunch? Surprisingly, that took General Mills (by then renamed Overly Specific Mills) ’til the mid-2400s.
And Honey Brunches of Oats Groundhogs & Waffles? Feels like they release that one every day!
Likely or not, the point of this prediction is that, until the last recesses of breakfast umami have been explored, there shouldn’t be too much reason to keep releasing the same cereals.
Case in point: Birthday Cake Froot Loops. A cereal that debuted in Canada for the country’s 150th anniversary in 2017, these formerly rosy rings now come in three colors that, while not birthday-themed in themselves, certainly seem like the type of thing a narcissistic Toucan Sam would serve at his own begrudgingly attended bash, to make everything color-code to his facial plumage. Continue reading →
See, back in my day, when you wanted to create a mythical hybrid creature, you just smashed two normal animals together and called it a day. Like the Liger: a good, honest, all-American legend bred for its magical abilities. Not like that bootleg real liger.
But I digress. The point is that Kellogg’s boldly spliced Caticorn is but a cop out—a combination of cats and unicorns (themselves hybrids of horses and narwhals, in my brain) that merely piggybacks off the latter cryptid’s bubblegum-pop popularity. I’d rather they forged a new path, like combining cats and pandas. Or cats and koalas. Or even forging a new cat-egory of lifeform by merging cats and redwood trees.
What’s the cereal equivalent of a Bigfoot hunter? A crisp-tozoologist?
Whatever it is, I want a job doing it for the Smithsonian. Empty Bowl listeners should already be familiar with my love of cereal myths—talking about the same cereal legends all day has me craving a tasty enigma—and much like last year’s Freedom Crunch fiasco, I’m proud to report on another cold cereal case, developing in real time.
It’s about a certain Kellogg’s Splatoon 2 Cereal, and I’ve labelled it a loose rumor, despite having no evidence beyond the photographed screen above. There are a lot of reasons to be skeptical of this possible Nintend-elicious successor to Super Mario Cereal, but other facts that help this story hold milk. Let’s run through the facts:
• This first and only photo came to light just a few days ago, shared by Reddit user /u/carloscd44. They claim to have stumbled upon it on Walmart’s website while looking for other new cereals, but after returning to the page the day after, it was gone, leaving the OP and viewers alike uncertain about its legitimacy.
• To clear up initial fears of fake leaks—a problem that has notoriously plagued the Nintendo Super Smash Bros. community—I confirmed that the URL the OP presented is (or at least was) a real part of Walmart’s site. Now, the link redirects visitors to a page for Super Mario Cereal.
This suggests to me that the cereal was either posted ahead of its planned release, and the URL will remain until it’s time, or Kellogg’s scrapped the cereal concept entirely, and this was a leftover and hitherto undiscovered page.
• While I’d love to believe the former is the case, the clearly unfinished box art presented leaves more questions than answers. Splatoon 2 the video game was first released almost two years ago now, and while the game still releases new content, this time gap is far larger than Super Mario Cereal, which debuted the same month as Super Mario Odyssey.
Back to the box art itself, we can see lots of awkward empty space, seemingly incomplete Inkling models, cereal that cannot be clearly seen, and a logo that bizarrely uses a paint splatter to cover up part of the word CEREAL—which, in itself, appears to use the same font as Super Mario Cereal.
Adding all this up, plus the fact that I can’t dig up any other info about it online, makes me very hesitant to make any confident conclusion on Splatoon 2 Cereal’s legitimacy. In my eyes, the most convincing clue is the timing: the fact that the page went down the same day /u/carloscd44 found it seems like quite the convenient coincidence, but whether I’ll be wrapping my tentacles around a bowl of it or just crossing it off my rumors list with red ink remains to be seen.
If you have any information about Splatoon 2 Cereal, please don’t hesitate to reach out. I’ll even play you on Final Destination for it—no items, of course.
Cereal commercials will have you believe it calls for toast, fruit, milked cereal, another glass of milk, maybe like a sausage?, and some OJ for good measure. Despite such a figurative feast’s skewed carbo-hydrating to protein ratio, it’s still probably a better balanced breakfast than what I had in mind: a bowl of Rice Krispies in one hand and Cocoa Krispies in the other—each precariously perched on a card-tower of respective Confetti Cupcake and Chocolate Fudge Pop-Tarts.
Perfectly balanced, as all impending stomachaches should be.
That said, I’m really excited to work Kellogg’s new Rice Krispies Treats Snap Crackle Poppers into my balanced breakfast. Why, you ask? Because they’d make quite the square meal.
Nothing quite like 100 words of buildup to a two-word punchline. Anyway, for those still with me after that egregious comedy sin, it’s time to do some sweet penance: a three-part munchline of creamily coated and cubed Rice Krispies! Continue reading →
Oh, right: I remember those retro rectangles now. Original Pop-Tarts—or OG PTs, as the kids may very well say—were what Kellogg’s used to make way back in 2018, before they seemingly decided to infuse essential Pop-Tart oils into every other snack product imaginable.
But after three spin-offs (that are really re-educated old school products), Pop-Tarts has finally released a new full-sized pastry, too (even if it’s really the latest in a long, long line of its kind). It’s called Crisp Apple, and it foregoes much of the flamboyant detailing of its apple’d ancestors in favor of a simplistic sauce blanche, almost exactly like that seen on Apple Blast Pop-Tarts—a flavor available in the U.K. since 2014.
But will this version be as American as apple handpies, or will its apple fall a few furlongs too far from its frosted family tree? Let me untwist my tongue and put it to work.
The Rocky Horrors of the breakfast world, this ragtag bunch of sweethearts from across time and space have won the lifelong loyalty of a select few weirdos (meant in the most loving way) who may have only had them a few times, but would risk life, limb, and even liver to taste them again.
For me, it’s Neopets Islandberry Crunch. Fellow cereal pundit Gabe Fonseca has a proclivity for Sprinkle Spangles. And for a whole bunch of others, including Marvo of The Impulsive Buy, Banana Frosted Flakes has kept their eyes peeled for a suitable substitute since the early ’80s.
Though I’m left unripely green with envy that I never got to try Tony’s classic Banana Flakes, I’m hoping Kellogg’s new Banana Creme Frosted Flakes will fulfill its forefather’s lingering hype. More so, I hope it successfully charts a whole new niche for an already undersung fruit flavor. For the past few years have seen Banana Berry, Banana Bread, Banana Split, andBanana Pudding cereals, but our mom’s favorite banana dessert has stayed mum.
Until now, that is. So go ahead, Anthony T. Tiger: pie me in the face. Continue reading →
But it’s not just Hallmark holidays that are being bitten by the breakfast bug. Call it the work of Bunnicula, but thanks to @markie_devo on Instagram (big thanks!), we have visual confirmation that Peeps Cereal is coming soon from Kellogg’s—presumably to ring, squish, and chew in Easter right.
I hereby consider the previously rumored Peeps Cereal to be the first true Easter cereal, as egg-adjacent cereals like Rice Krispies and Reese’s Puffs have only taken aesthetic approaches to the season. Void of the iconic carrot cake or ham flavors you’d expect from Easter, they simply didn’t do justice to my underdog favorite holiday.
Not to mention: you ever try to clean peanut butter powder off a pastel yellow turtleneck?
No word yet on the specific flavor of Peeps Cereal, but if Kellogg’s really plans to pair actual marbits with marshmallow-flavored, Froot Loop-esque rings, there are two likely consequences:
1. The Peeps chicks and bunnies will receive the torch of responsibility from Sour Patch Kids Cereal for contributing to my dental delirium…
2. …because I plan to pour that Peeps coffee creamer all over this cereal and make history.
Calling it now: 2019 is going to be the year of zany breakfast peripherals.
Just as the ’80s and early 2000s video game industries saw an influx of variably successful light guns, and philharmonic orchestra’s worth of plastic instruments, the 2k1x’s penultimate year is already promising a wealth of niche offshoots for familiar breakfast brands.
Whether any of these budding taste-buddies will make it into a Smash Bros. game is another story, but if the first creatively derived Pop-Tartform I tried is any indication, we might have to raise regular Pop-Tarts to the rafters like foil-wrapped fading stars.
So while I wait for Pop-Tarts Cereal to complete Kellogg’s new almost-er pastry trifecta, it’s time to crack open perhaps the most understated and underhyped of the three: Pop-Tarts Crisps.
