Tag Archives: kellogg’s

29

Oct. ’19

Review: Kellogg’s All Together Cereal

Kellogg's All Together Cereal Review Box

Cereal mixology is a topic close to my heart.

Granted, I don’t actually mix cereals often—usually when I’m running uncomfortably low on one and/or the other cereal—but the infinite conceptual liberty that comes from architecting palate-impacting pairings that transform a familiar cereal experience into a work of edible interpretive art. And that’s before you add different milks to the equation!

There are obvious mixes, like Donettes + Honey Bun Cereal + Milky Coffee.

There are weirder ideas, like Banana Creme Frosted Flakes + Millville Peanut Butter & Jelly Puffs + Vanilla Almond Milk + Maple Syrup (I call it “An Unforgettable Bruncheon”).

And then there are mixes so uncouth and dubious that they border on cereal slander. Mixes like the one proposed and encouraged (but never confidently owned) by Kellogg’s in its All Together Cereal.

Kellogg's All Together Cereal Review Mini Boxes

Released in support of GLAAD and LGBTQ+ youth for Spirit Day, All Together Cereal is a $20 novelty box stuffed with six miniature cereal boxes that, theoretically, you’re meant to gob all up in the same bowl as a symbol of intersectional solidarity. Of course, when you realize that Kellogg’s is only donating up to $50,000, a ‘stunning’ 1/258,640 of their annual revenue, All Together Cereal becomes a pretty obvious face for Rainbow Capitalism.

So while the concept is good-natured and silly, it has its share of ethical undoings before even cracking it open. But hey, might as well see just how offensive the proposed cereal concoction is, too! Continue reading →

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18

Oct. ’19

News: Kellogg’s Frozen II Cereal

Kellogg's Frozen II Cereal

Let’s be real: if you’ve been keeping up with the cereal trend that’s been pushing me over the edge of polite and bloggerly cereal fanboyism toward the turgid wastelands of frustration and Snickerless un-me-ness, you might know what meme I plan to end this blurb with.

Yes, Kellogg’s keeps releasing boring cereals. They’re either fake-fruity loops or, well, they’re Frozen II Cereal: another licensed Lucky Charms knock-off that’s the exact same thing as Frozen Cereal, but with a new box. There are bland oat pieces. There are white snowballs and blue something-or-others. The point is, I didn’t expect anything more from a movie cereal, but I was at least hoping for a reason to review it. I’m sure there’s a young Frozen fan in your life who will demand this cereal with icy determination, but you might be better off dicing up some grocery store carrot cake and tossing it into a bowl of Donettes.

Now, to fulfill my promise:

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17

Oct. ’19

News: Kellogg’s Elf on the Shelf Cereal, Ryan’s World Cereal & Llama Loops

Kellogg's Elf on the Shelf Cereal Ryan's World Llama Loops

Oh, Kellogg’s. Are you a mercenary now? A contract cereal killer? Blink twice if you’re embroiled too deep in a dark web conspiracy.

Look, I’ve already whined about and refused to further dine on Kellogg’s generic sugar loop cereal epidemic, but these three upcoming Kellogg’s releases suggest there’s a bigger problem: (sugar) cookie cutter partnerships. I know, I know, lazy movie cereals have been a breakfast trend since the Forced death of original ideas like C-3POs, but now that Kellogg’s jumped the Baby Shark, it seems the floodgates have been opened for other shadily proprietary entities to easily buy (or be bought for, who knows) their own blasé breakfasts. Continue reading →

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16

Oct. ’19

Coming Soon: Three New Rice Krispies Treats!

Caramel Snap Crackle Poppers Rice Krispies Treats

That teal…that shade of uniquely aquamaritime teal.

It’s not too late to mend your heretical misdoings, Kellogg’s, and to put this color on this product makes my heart snap, my joints pop, and my stomach crackle with rage.

Err, that last one might’ve been the spicy tikka masala, but my vitriol stands. Yes, I’m talking about the original, perfectly poised and turquoised Rice Krispies Treats Cereal box, which is the cornerstone of my (largely intact) theory that all cereals in teal boxes are bound for greatness, or at least cult appeal. Sprinkle Spangles. Cinnabon Cereal. Cinnamon Roll Fillows. And even Toasted Coconut Cheerios now. The only outlier here is Maple Bacon Donuts Cereal and its putridly glazed porkiness, but I choose to willfully ignore it—after all, it was a clear, anarchistic gimmick of a cereal that was likely tailor made to send my pet theories to a farm upstate. Continue reading →

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07

Oct. ’19

Coming Soon: Frosted Mini-Wheats Filled – Mixed Berry

2019 Frosted Mini-Wheats Mixed Berry Filled

And the hits. Just. Keep. Coming.

You thought Blueberry Eggo Cereal was exciting? Psh, maybe if you’re a garden variety syrup snob.

And Blueberry Muffin Toasters? Don’t make me laugh. Isn’t that just Eggo for squares?

No, what any true-goo cereal fan should be excited for is just this: dry, sugar-dusted wheat bricks tenderly squelched (12%) full of dried mixed berry goo.

Uh, you know, when I put it that way, it doesn’t sound quite as good as bite-sized griddle cakes and cerealized Seinfeld concept restaurants. But regardless, thanks again to cereal sleuth of the month (year?) Devin, we now know that the Mixed Berry variety of Filled Frosted Mini-Wheats will be returning—though I wouldn’t blame you if you never noticed it leave.

In fact, this cereal concept is so niche—and admittedly blasé in its appeal—that I can’t even find an accurate lifespan for its original incarnation. The only key indicator that 2019 (or 2020)’s version is new is that they’re now simply called “Filled” instead of “Touch of Fruit in the Middle,” a welcome renaming that will no-doubt stave off my carpal tunnel minutes longer when it comes time to review this stuff.

Regardless, fans of fruit and obfuscatory wheat cages for said fruit can prep their berry-discerning taste buds to try this one soon. I mean, there is blueberry in there, so we can safely assume these will take well to butter and maple syrup.

 

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05

Oct. ’19

Coming Soon: Pretzel Pop-Tarts & Froot Loop Pop-Tarts

Pretzel Pop-Tarts Brown Sugar Cinnamon & Chocolate

Photo via Candy Hunting

I’m sure you’re all familiar with the phrase “jumping the shark” by this point. You know, major turning points in the absurdity of any given property over time. The final season of Scrubs. The 3D television. The Renaissance. Many such cases.

And it seems even breakfast products in the best couple years have been iteratively cranking the the dubious complexity dial on their flavoring up to 100(g of sugar or degrees of abstraction). For cereal, this was less of a shark jumping than a sour patching, as this year’s gut-warpingly weird Sour Patch Kids Cereal eroded a hole in the proverbial stomach lining of possibility, allowing and normalizing the entrance of other cereal mutations—for better or worse.

Pop-Tarts, on the other hand, seemed to go off the deep end—right into the uncanny crumb catcher—earlier, with Maple Bacon Pop-Tarts heralding many other largely gimmicky Tarts.

Thankfully, Pop-Tarts’ latest conceptual sneak peeks are far more domesticated in their wildness than their second latest—I was worried we’d too-quickly evolve from Scanning our Tarts to Embedding Our Holo-Tarts With Genetic Seasoning (for the last Valentine’s Day before the Pastry Singularity.

Continue reading →

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26

Sep. ’19

News: Blueberry Eggo Cereal is Coming Soon!

Kellogg's Blueberry Eggo Cereal

Buckle up, friends: we’re in for a ride.

In fact, you should probably buckle up, drive to your nearest greasy spoon station, pull up to pump #4, Ignore the standard unleaded butter and mid-grade compotes. No, only super premium syrup will provide the fuel needed for this high-octane breakfast road trip.

You may recall that August 24 was National Waffle Day, which, unlike the seemingly arbitrarily dated National Cereal Day, actually commemorates the anniversary of the first waffle iron patent. You may also remember that on said red-letter day, the red-fonted Eggo Twitter account promised to bring back Eggo Cereal, should they get 10,000 retweets.

They did, of course, and while we may pose several conspiracy theories about the legitimacy of those stats—it takes a long time to make a new cereal, so they likely already had it ready, plus the retweets stalled at 4,000 for a week before launching up conspicuously—but it seems the end result more than makes up for it.

Yes, thanks to reader Devin, we have an exclusive first look at Blueberry Eggo Cereal! No word yet on whether original Maple will return as well—to fill the Waffle Boy sized hole left in my heart—but this alone is beyond exciting. Looking at these indigo-specked waffle rounds, I’m holding onto hope that these taste more like Ralston’s legendary Blueberry Waffleos than Cap’n Crunch’s ho-hum Blueberry Pancake Crunch.

No word yet on when these jacks will flap onto shelves, but I think the moral of the story is that we all should be guilt-tripping sassy brand Twitter accounts into creating or reviving innovative cereals. After all, it’s the least they can do in return for filling our timelines with embarrassing “wrap battles” about Crunchwraps and Jimmy Dean breakfast burritos.

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08

Sep. ’19

Review: Kellogg’s Baby Shark Cereal

Kellogg's Baby Shark Cereal Review Box

Here’s something I never thought I’d say: Baby Shark the song is infinitely more interesting than Baby Shark Cereal.

I’ll admit, I have an ongoing aural embargo against the tune. My grubby brain is nematodally susceptible to earworms, so out of fear for my undisturbed dreamscapes, I’ve not only never listened to Baby Shark, but I’ve also never taken time to appreciate the sheer breadth and insanity of the infant man-eater’s history.

I might sound dumb for not knowing this, but apparently Baby Shark is originally a campfire chant dating back hundred of years, if not more, from a time where” YouTubers” were in the business of potatoes. The original version, however, is far more violent than the brine-washed version popular amongst children. Many versions involve a swimmer who not only loses an arm to a hungry sharkling, but a leg and sometimes a blood-gushing head, too. Other variants involve grueling and unsuccessful attempts at resuscitation, as well as philosophical inquiries on whether shark victims go to heaven, and what kind of god would continue to spawn such deceptively cute sea demons.

Then there are ongoing copyright claims surrounding the song, controversial political affiliations, and cruel attempts by law enforcement to use the track for repelling homeless people.

This is all to say that it’s kind of a shame how a bizarro slice of life like Baby Shark got such a soul-deadening cereal. If you read my Birthday Cake Froot Loops review, you know that not only did I voice a searing distaste for lazy sugar ring cereals, but I also spewed so much linguistic vitriol that it’d probably be bad for my blood pressure to do it again.

But does Baby Shark Cereal really deserve the same hate as Toucan Sam’s pathetic chemical droppings? And when I’m finished eating it, will it go to heaven? These are the questions I was, with great pains, born to answer. Continue reading →

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