Tag Archives: general mills

Review: Maple Cheerios Cereal (2018 American Edition!)

General Mills American Maple Cheerios Cereal Review 2018 Box

Some flavors just stick.

S’Mores, brownie batter, caramel: all slightly unconventional flavors that, despite not being a honey nut, chocolate, or strawberry, always seem to find their way back into the breakfast aisle—and some how under our nails, in our hair, and even binding together electronics as a haphazard tape replacement.

What, you didn’t know toasted marshmallow was a great conductor?

In all seriousness, this class of adhesive alumni are led by their viscous valedictorian: maple syrup. A popular arboreal elixir in Vermont and Vancouver alike, maple is such a sticky flavor that Maple Cheerios, released last year as an allegedly Canada-exclusive cereal to celebrate the country’s 150th birthday (that’s a lot of pancake candles), has arrived in the U.S.

Must’ve stuck to the bottom of a border-crossing General Mills truck, hence the spilled-syrup maple leaf—I can only assume this is a government-issued Canadian seal of approval, like how America’s exported cereals must get ranch & mayonnaise stars & stripes. Continue reading

Review: Cinnamon Toast Crunch Toaster Strudel – Cinnamania!

Cinnamon Toast Crunch Toaster Strudel Review Cinnamania Box

Uh, yes, General Mills customer service hotline? Yes, I’d like to file a serious complaint of the geometrically misleading nature.

See, your popular breakfast cereal product “Cinnamon Toast Crunch,” with its cinnamon-swirled, famously see-able taste, frequently tells me in its commercials—featuring cannibalistic cereal creatures who send a bad message about disrupting the food chain, but that’s a different phone call—to “Crave those Crazy Squares.”

Yet, the cereal’s newest crossover product, Cinnamon Toast Crunch Toaster Strudel, lacks the proper equilateral dimensions to qualify as a square. At best, they’re rectangular prisms, but even that forces me to uncomfortably suspend my knowledge of high school mathematics in order to enjoy this product.

Not that this is the first time you’ve spurned Cinnamon Toast Crunch’s signature shape, but after this egregious misstep, I must request that you atone for your mistake by changing the trademarked slogan to either “Reach toward those Rascally Rectangles” or “Quest for those Quirky Quadrilaterals.”

I’ll forgive your twice-toasted error for now—at least until breakfast is over—but just know one thing: your obtuse disregard for geometry has been acutely noted. Continue reading

Spooned & Spotted: Chocolatey Winter Lucky Charms Cereal

https://www.instagram.com/p/Bn0FoCeBnSj/?taken-by=jhome_market

What’s the regifting equivalent of that old grade school exchange? You know, the one that goes, “Hey, can I copy your homework?” “Okay but change it up a little so it’s not obvious.”

I’d imagine that a similar kind of yuletide tomfoolery would involve spray painting unwanted tube socks, or maybe deep frying a fruit cake.

Or, you know, something like Lucky Charms’ “new” cereal variety for Holiday 2018.

See, the reason the above image, discovered by @jhome_market on Instagram, looks about as uncannily familiar as an Orwellian news report is because last year General Mills released Cinnamon Vanilla Lucky Charms alongside the spellcheck-triggering redundancy of Hot Cocoa Cocoa Puffs. But this time, they’re evidently cutting their losses, cutting their creativity, and splicing 2017’s snowiest cereals together into one cereal that totally hasn’t been made before. Next thing we know, Big Lucky is going to tell us we’ve always been at war with Kellogg’s.

Last year’s supernova, elongated pacifier, and marshmallow-shaped marshmallows are returning too, again masquerading as snowflakes, snowballs, and snowpersons. A final unwelcome comeback is Chocolate Lucky Charms’ bizarre tradition of using corn instead of oat ingredients, a snowshoe-sized misstep that swaps Lucky Charms’ iconic density with something more hollow and starchy.

So apologies for my preemptive Grinchitude—I’m just not looking forward to not getting a Gingerbread Toast Crunch again this year. I’d even settle for Coal-coa Puffs. But until we know more about this December’s cereal lineup, I give my thanks to jhome_market for sharing (the cereal can be found at Walmart, so far). And if you see a new or interesting cereal, be sure to send it to our Submissions page for a chance to see it here.

Have a holly jolly leaf raking!

Classic Review: Paw Patrol Kix – Honey & Berry Berry

General Mills Paw Patrol Honey Berry Berry Kix Cereal Review Box

Growing up, I never ate Kix.

Sure, I ate plenty of knuckle sandwiches, but thankfully my school bullies were usually too stout for their ham-thighed roundhouses to reach my molars.

Oh, and I never ate Kix cereal, either. Why? Because in a sea of colorful boxes and bug-eyed cartoon sirens staring down at me, it was hard to justify choosing…lightly flavored corn puffs for my weekly breakfasts—especially with the phonetically similar and superiorly fruit-shaped Trix just a hop, skip and a fist-pump away.

Now years later, the typically un-personified Kix brand is now fronted by Paw Patrol, a show apparently beloved by today’s young’ns. I don’t know what the show is about, so I’m just going to tell myself it involves a canine Village People cover band.

Thankfully, General Mills sent me a couple boxes of the stuff, in both Honey and Berry Berry. So while I wait for some of this and next year’s exciting cereals to arrive, I figured I’d do some dark timeline-traveling and relive the childhood I’m probably glad I never had. Continue reading

Mini Review: Reese’s Puffs Bats Cereal

Halloween Reese's Puffs Bats Cereal Review Box

Holy early Autumn, Bartman! Just yesterday I was fending off the Sprites of Summer with honeysuckle and incense, and now you’re telling me the Bats of Fall are already echolocally a-knockin’?

Well forget the onion bread we have in the oven: it’s garlic season.

But not until after a brief detour through Dog-Day Eager Beaver season. See, the likes of Tony the Tiger, Toucan Sam, and now the constituents of some Count Choco-Peanut Buttula love to release their annual signature cereals before the dog days have finished yipping. While this is great for Halloween cereal lovers, it’s admittedly a bit sad when I overeagerly and unrestrainedly review them all before mid-September and I’m left writing about the trigonometry of Frute Brute’s incisors by 10/31.

So while I’m admitting I have a problem, instead of doing anything about it I’ll just pretend I’m eating Reese’s Puffs Sideways TIE Fighters. Continue reading

Spooned & Spotted: Monster Cereal 3-pack!

Monster Cereal 3-pack

Kids nowadays have it so easy.

See, back in my day, we had to drive uphill both ways to Walmart, just to find Count Chocula. Then it was a grueling 5-mile crabwalk across gravel to snag Franken Berry at Target, before an interstate-length hot coal walk just to be told by my local Walgreens that Boo Berry is only available at some Cracker Barrel gift shop in the middle of a volcano.

So yes, I may be exaggerating a little, and General Mills’ new Monster Cereal bundle—found by Snack Stalker (thanks for sharing!) at Sam’s Club—may be convenient, but if my mom brought home a box set trilogy of breakfast’s finest freaks of nature, I’d be a little disappointed about losing the thrill of the hunt.

After all, chalky marshmallows taste so much better with sweat and elbow grease as their milk.

But I suppose if you want a fisticuff-worthy grab bag gift or seasonally appropriate doorstop, you can’t really go wrong with buying your breakfast boogeymen in bulk.

Review: Cheerios Cinnamon Oat Crunch Cereal

General Mills Cheerios Cinnamon Oat Crunch Cereal Review Box

Which cereals go to the gym?

It’s becoming easier to tell. Previously, it was clear that the burly likes of Raisin Bran and Grape Nuts totally work out—and that Wheat on the bench press? Totally Shredded—while Tony the Tiger’s protein-deprived Frosted Flakes definitely skip leg day.

But other classic cereals? Unclear. But with the release of Cheerios’ new Cinnamon Oat Crunch cereal, we know original Cheerios must be wimpy as a honey-soaked pool noodle, because these oat-specked rings are true cereal alpha grains.

Evoking the appearance of both Cheerios Protein and Honey (née Graham) Oh’s, Cinnamon Oat Crunch Cheerios trade muscly protein for stomach-rumbling fiber, with some remaining from the scaly layer of oat shard coating each like wholesome armor.

I’ve heard good things leading up to this review, so I’m ready to go toe-to-toe in the ring (my bowl) with this no pain, no grain gym rat.

Continue reading

Review: Banana Split Dippin’ Dots Cereal

General Mills Banana Split Dippin' Dots Cereal Review Box

What will the cereal of the future look like?

Long dubbed the ice cream of the future, Dippin’ Dots’ (I’m gonna need to order another box of apostrophes) famous evolution was both the atomization and flesh-ripping frostification of the classically amorphous dairy treat using dry ice.

Since there’s already been cereal with freeze dried ice cream bits, any truly revolutionary cereal will have to up the ante from there.

Micro-chipped cereal for GPS-powered “Breakfast Go” mobile games? Zero calorie Diet Cereal (or at least translucent Crystal Cereal?)?

Ooh, or maybe a 100% All Beef Hot Dog Cereal…you know…to compete with Dippin’ Dots’ at the ball game?

Regardless, General Mills’ new Dippin’ Dots Cereal is here, to the delight of many and the frustration of one, and I’m going to see if it’s as innovative as its namesake by first trying the flavor that fits with this week’s theme of banana  madness: Banana Split!

(If I die of a potassium overdose, blame whichever Banana in Pyjamas has a higher net worth.)

Continue reading