Tag Archives: general mills

News: The Return of Star Wars Cereal

Hey you: yeah, you!

Do you love cereal as much as Han Solo knows Leia loves him?

Do you find yourself hyperdriving through boring, terrestrial cereals without a dent in your appetite?

Has your stomach ever rumbled so hard that you wondered whether there was a hypothermic Jedi warming himself inside you?

Well then you may be in luck: General Mills is teaming up with Lucasfilms again to bring back Star Wars Cereal. The last time we saw this stuff was in 2015/16, when it debuted in boxes bearing Yoda, Darth Vader, Kylo Ren, Rey and BB-8. After The Force Awakens, we didn’t get anything special for The Last Jedi. But now that The Rise of Skywalker is looming like a metropolitan cloud formation, we’re getting updated boxes featuring BB-8 and new droid D-O (who looks like a mobile megaphone), alongside Kylo Ren and a “red Sith Trooper” (who looks like a more vanilla Emperor’s Royal Guard).

Granted, this cereal really isn’t anything special: it’s a generic corn base with the same ol’, largely inscrutable marbit Darth Rorschachs.

But if you’re a die-hard Star Wars fan or the parent of one, you’ll probably want to sneak some of this into theaters this December—in a milk-filled fanny pack, of course. Just don’t expect the back of the box to be anything but a watered-down version of those Star Wars Cross-Section books.

Posted by dan g.. Categories: News. Tags: general mills, movie cereals, star wars. 1 Comment

Oct. ’19

News: Toasted Coconut Cheerios are Coming Soon!

Quick: forget everything you know about fall.

That big holiday everyone loves? Oh, you mean Spooksgiving?

Crunchy stuff that falls from trees? Those are bird fossils. Don’t touch.

Don’t even get me started on PSLs. Palm Sauced Luau-fuel is what I call ’em. Yes, as Cheerios has proved, something as summery as Toasted Coconut should still be allowed to be a flavor for colder seasons—for, uh, some reason.

You might think that Toasted Coconut Cheerios are just an early leak for Summer 2020, but these tropical rings have already been spotted in the pre-wintertide wild:

https://www.instagram.com/p/B29LGN6FFsR/

With all kinds of “OTHER NATURAL FLAVORS,” Toasted Coconut Cheerios will soon join a proud lineage of seasonal Cheerios. But whether it successfully staves off fall fatigue—or if it’s a bit more forgettable—remains to be seen, spiced, and sighed through autumn’s crisp, whispering winds.

Err, I mean, “Summer’s 3-Month Yawn.”

Posted by dan g.. Categories: News. Tags: cheerios, coconut, general mills, news. Leave a comment

Sep. ’19

Review: Boo Berry Monster Cereal (2019)

Knock knock.

“Who’s there?”

Boo.

“Boo who?”

That’s for me to decide, ma’am. Now step aside so me and the ‘buster boys can exorcise the restless dust bunnies haunting your droppings-dropping vacuum.

But the question does remain: will Boo Berry make me weep tears of mirth or mourning this year? It’s been two years since I did a write up of a General Mills Monster Cereal—I took 2018 off out of protest, as Brown Vampire, Pink Abomination and The Blue Guy have continually grown less inspired year after year.

Of course, my Boo-cott didn’t affect this year’s release, which features perhaps the lamest “theme” in recorded Monster history: digital pumpkin stencils featuring Count Chocula, Franken Berry & Boo Berry, as well as members of the Addams Family, who doubtlessly left a few cash-stuffed gourds on General Mills’ porch to make this happen. I was tempted to continue my autumnal abstinence for 2019, but after realizing that cereal companies aren’t throwing me a single femur this year when it comes to new fall cereals—seriously, don’t be surprised if I sleep upside down in my pantry for most of October—I decided it was worth exhuming and examining at least one of the gang, just to see if it’s changed at all.

I picked Boo Berry, because aside from being my favorite non-mummified Monster Cereal, he’s also been the most inconsistent. It seems every year the cerulean specter either possesses my Halloween excitement like something out of Hereditary during sloppy years, or a JoJo Stand in more crunchily coordinated seasons.

So what’s it gonna be, my ectoplasmic little friend? King Paimon or King Crimson? Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: 6 rating, boo berry, general mills, halloween. 6 Comments

Sep. ’19

News: Golden Grahams S’Mores Bites

Oooooh, Golden Grahams: you’re looking good! You’re 44 going on :30!

No, seriously—this is a big step for Golden Grahams. This criminally underrated 1975 cereal almost always gets the short end of the campfire roasting stick when it comes to creative new variations. Perhaps it’s an intentional—and respectable—commitment to the purity of Golden Grahams’ sterling reputation, but the fact that we’ve never seen a Peanut Butter or Chocolate Golden Grahams leaves my heart crying honey-drop tears not unlike the cereal’s short-lived ’80s mascot:

But when Golden Grahams does get an ancillary exploration of flavor potential, it’s always in a cereal-adjacent form. We’ve gotten a couple different Golden Grahams cereal bars, and now the no-brainer concept of Golden Grahams and s’mores ingredients—a notion already popularized by Post and subsidiary Malt-O-Meal—is getting a more well-rounded interpretation.

Piggybacking off the presumed success of Cinnamon Toast Crunch Bites, Golden Grahams S’Mores Bites deliver thirty rounds of choco-‘mallow stuffed graham balls to your microwave, and in just thirty more seconds, you can have enough incendiary enjoyment to launch a trebuchet of ’em into your neighbor’s potluck.

I don’t know about you, but I’m super excited. Graham as a flavor—or even just an abstract principle—deserves more representation. So here’s hoping these Bites are the start of a slow roll into 2020: the Year of Golden Graham’d Experiences.

Posted by dan g.. Categories: News. Tags: general mills, golden grahams. Leave a comment

Aug. ’19

Review: Mermaid Cereals (General Mills and Kellogg’s Froot Loops!)

Finally, after decades of alpha-male tigers, geriatric cinnamon-toast bakers and the fiery testosterone of the sky’s giant Raisin Bran-loving plasma ball, we’re getting a cereal mascot who’s a strong female role mod—aw wait…she’s only half human, isn’t she? Do we really want the world’s daughters looking up to someone who craps in the ocean?

Sorry fishladies, didn’t mean to slander you. I’m sure there are plenty of sophisticated mermaidens out there who use seafoam bidets, and you’re all way classier than those treacherous sirens. All I wanted to do was hear them cover Chocolate Rain, but I did not stay dry and I certainly felt the pain.

Oceanic etiquette aside, I find the food world’s mermaid trend intriguing. It seems these Ms. Thological creatures have eclipsed unicorns as young kids’ cryptids of fixation, as mermaids are apparently popular enough to warrant two cereals, from two different companies, released at roughly the same time in two different hemispheres. While General Mills was kind enough to hook me up with several (several) boxes worth of their new Mermaid Cereal, the Aussies of the Yeah, G’Day! podcast were kind enough to send me Kellogg’s Mermaid Froot Loops from the land down-underwater.

So which continent will emerge as ~~king~~ queen of breakfast’s aquamarina? Let’s dive in. Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: 7 rating, 8 rating, general mills, international, kellogg's. 1 Comment

Jul. ’19

News: Lucky Charms Crispy Rice Clusters Cereal

Oh, Lucky, you beautiful chameleon of predatory cereal assimilation: you’ve done it again!

Early last year, the breakfast aisle’s favorite impish Irelander threw all caution to the sugar-swirled wind with Lucky Charms Frosted Flakes, a marbit mashup that may not have tasted amazing, but was nevertheless a flippant play that earned my respect for poking the Kellogg’s tiger-bear.

And now, in a move so unprecedented in both shade and punctuality, it seems Lucky Charms wants to remedy the biggest cereal crisis to plague an infinity of earths: the death of Rice Krispies Treats Cereal as we knew it. Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: News. Tags: general mills, lucky charms, news, rice krispies. 10 Comments

Jul. ’19

News: A New Look for Cinnamon Toast Crunch

Yes, I was indeed only sent an (empty) miniature box. I guess now I can use it to hold…belly button lint?

When I got an email about a secret Cinnamon Toast Crunch surprise coming to my house, my mind swirled with possibilities:

Peanut Butter Toast Crunch’s return?

The early merriment of a new Gingerbread Toast Crunch?

Ooh, or maybe a personal Cinnamon Toast Crunch feeding trough, with two sides so me and the boys can chug some endmilk and also dispose of it baseball stadium style?

Unfortunately/hygienically, it was none of the above, but instead a rousing rebrand of the Cinnamon Toast Crunch we’ve come to know and love (by which I mean immediately recycle as the cereal inside evaporated into the no-longer-thin air of my esophagus).

My thoughts on the new design, including its now-emojified and less-sociopathic squares? It has its ups and downs.

The new mascots themselves just don’t sit right with me. I get that emojis are pretty much pictographic accents, but this looks like they were sort of pasted onto the box like a kid committing the mortal sin of slapping a few Goofy stickers on the side of his mom’s sedan.

May he rue the day he unleashed the scourge of residue.

But besides the boys in beige, I like the rest of what General Mills did with the Cinnamon Toast Crunch color palette. I’m getting serious Splatoon vibes from the iridescent puddles of liquefied CTC Pantone swatches, and I can only wish my own cereal milk was painted with such a powerful technicolor dream coat.

So what do you think of it? No word yet on how this branding might extend to the other Toast Crunch properties, but if Sugar Cookie Toast Crunch makes its triumphant return come December, I hope the Cinnamojis at least bring some of my favorite emojis over for dinner.

🥥🐌🍣🦑🍖🐄

Hmm, on second thought, maybe I shouldn’t be in charge of the entrees.

Posted by dan g.. Categories: News. Tags: general mills, news, toast crunch. 2 Comments

Jul. ’19

News: Count Chocula’s 2019 Return

Warning: the below cereal is scary.

Terrifying.

Downright perturbing and petrifying.

Last chance to tuck in your inner child somewhere beneath your liver.

Okay, don’t say I didn’t warn you…

If you’re unsure why the above cereal box art sparks so much primal revulsion in the pits of my soul, you’ve got a few decades of creatively Choculated lore to catch up on. For so long, General Mills’ Monster Cereals—and especially Count Chocula, as their de facto fanged leader—have returned during the Halloween season with new charming box themes and art styles, making them reliably nostalgic accent pieces for any reboot-free horror movie marathon.

But ever since the Monster Cereals’ oat flour formula was infamously changed—a decision that likely fractured us into the darkest timeline—their theming has gotten as inspired as the Children of the Corn franchise. At least to me, it feels like a palpable loss of innocence, especially since 2013’s gave false hope by bringing back Frute Brute and Yummy Mummy for just one year. Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: News. Tags: count chocula, disappointment, general mills, halloween, monster cereals. 10 Comments