Tag Archives: froot loops

News: Wienerschnitzel Froot Loops Ice Cream & Shake

What is hotdog water, but the cereal endmilk of boiled meat byproduct?

I’ll be frank, I’ve never been to a Wienerschnitzel restaurant before, and after a cursory perusal of their website and its liberal use of phrases like “World’s Most Wanted Wiener” and “#WienerFam,” I’m confident I haven’t missed much. But since the nearest one is a whole state over, I am a bit bummed I won’t be able to try the franchise’s new cereal-infused confections—unless an Illinois-based reader can chuck a perfect-spiral Froot Loops Dipped Cone across the border.

“For a limited time, enjoy a sweet Wienerschnitzel Dipped Cone or Shake bursting with the fruity flavor of Froot Loops cereal,” the release for this partnership reads. While Burger King has already set a strong precedent for fast food Froot Loops shakes, the cone in question captures my interest thanks to its supple swirls and near gravity-defying chunklets of studded Froot Loop. In the midst of dine-in closures everywhere, Wienerschnitzel is vocally proud to offer both these treats through their drive-thru—we can only hope that no window worker is subjected to cabin fever-induced regressions to middle-school ‘pranks’ like cone-ing.

Since I won’t be able to, if you try either of these items, let me know what you think in the comments below or on Twitter. I’ll just be up here, wiener-less in the Mitten, wondering if this means we’ll get savory Froot Links cereal next.

Posted by dan g.. Categories: News. Tags: froot loops, ice cream, non cereal. 1 Comment

Apr. ’20

Review: Kellogg’s JUMBO SNAX (Corn Pops, Frosted Flakes, Froot Loops & Apple Jacks!)

Kellogg's JUMBO SNAX Review Snackable Cereal

Yes, pictured are the complete contents of one of each JUMBO SNAX 0.45oz pouch.

Look out, Frosted Honey Bunches of Oats—you’ve got an usurper approaching your throne of supreme cereal unnecessity. If you thought “Honey Bunches with 66% rather than 33% of its constituent components glazed in sugar” was silly, meet Kellogg’s JUMBO SNAX: four classic cereals enlarged so they’re…more…snackable?

Ah yes, of all the issues plaguing breakfast cereal, my main concern is that the darn stuff keeps slipping through the sieve of sausages I call fingers. I can’t tell you how many thriving ecosystems of microorganisms I’ve nourished beneath stadium bleachers where lost Loops go to be resorbed by Earth’s foundations.

But sorry, mosses who’ve evolved to masticate: no more free rides! This boy has enough JUMBO SNAX pouches to strap a bandolier with Jacked-Up Jacks and Weapons-Grade Caramel Corn.

So now that I’ll have no trouble doing so, let’s articulate the nuances of each variety. Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: apple jacks, caramel, corn pops, froot loops, frosted flakes, kellogg's. 3 Comments

Mar. ’20

Review: Froot Loops Peeps Pop + Pancakes & Syrup

It’s a product no one asked for.

A product no one could’ve imagined.

Heck, a product whose name no one but that shell-peddling West Coast Sally could even pronounce.

Froot Loops Peeps Pops [repeat x4].

Now, I’m not saying cereal-flavored Peeps are a bad idea—such a thing has been rumored for a good while now. But I’m also not saying that Peeps are a good idea. Like, at all. I’m not repulsed by the things like a lot of, ugh, my peeps, but you’d be marshmallowy-soft-pressed to find me eating more than one and a half of the things at a time, as the latter chomped chick hindquarters slowly caulks my mouth closed. Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: easter, froot loops, kellogg's, non cereao. Leave a comment

Mar. ’20

News: Kellogg’s JUMBO SNAX Cereal Snacks

Ever love the palate-shredding power of coarsely serrated grain so much that you wish you could just swing a full medieval mace of the stuff at your mouth’s roof, instead of chewing a few dozen caltrops?

Well boy, do the makers of Morningstar have a product for you!

Despite the threat to inter-oral integrity they may pose for eager eaters, Kellogg’s new JUMBO SNAX form an exciting quartet of familiar cereal flavors enlarged to both show and taste texture. Arriving this May, these cereal snacks will come in both individual, 0.45oz packets and big honkin’ resealable 6oz suckers. With this, Kellogg’s becomes the third Big Cereal company to sell Big Cereal, paving the way for Post to close the circle with what I can only assume will be called ” Oreo OMG’s.”

But let’s talk about the four Kellogg’s JUMBO SNAX soon to be available. Of these, Froot Loops and Apple Jacks seem the most straightforward in their adaptation of ancestral cereal sizing. Though it seems interesting that there are no green loops present on the Apple Jacks’ packaging, which, if that holds true for the crunchy hula hoops inside, we may be getting a limited palette of Froot-by-the-Foot-sized Loops, too.

Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: News. Tags: apple jacks, corn pops, froot loops, frosted flakes, kellogg's, news. Leave a comment

Feb. ’20

Review: Kellogg’s Froot Loops Pop-Tarts

And what rough beast, its hour come round at last,
Slouches towards breakfast to be born?

Seriously: if you showed me the above product 30 years ago, my dad would be putting a fist in your soon-to-be-twinkling eye. But seriously Cerealously: I’ve become so accustomed to the notion of Pop-Tarts as a cereal that I hardly stopped to consider the infinite opportunity within its inverse.

Now, Froot Loops probably wouldn’t be my first choice for a co-branded Kellogg’s Crunch-Tart. I would’ve picked Raisin Bran or Cocoa Krispies, if only so they could be called Snap, Crackle Pop-Tarts. But nevertheless, this sort of fusion you’d think would be forbidden by church and state alike has come to my bruncheon nook

Churning and churning in my widening stomach
The Toucan cannot hear the toaster;
Crust falls apart, the filling cannot hold;
Iced anarchy is Looped upon my bowl. Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: froot loops, kellogg's, pop-tarts. 3 Comments

Feb. ’20

Spooned & Spotted: Froot Loops White Chocolate Easter Bunny

What’s that old Froot Loops slogan again? “Follow your ears…to transcend earthly spheres!” Or something like that.

The point is that, through some unexpected matchmaking between Kellogg’s and candymaker Frankford, our world has birthed a warren of White Chocolate Froot Loops Easter Bunnies, each capable of supplementing their big-beaked father’s apparent lack of audio-capturing organs. With his sense of smell and these rabbits’ lengthy lobes, Toucan Sam’s many enemies will no longer be able to sneak up on him.

Samuel’s senses have become too powerful for this plane, and the only way for us to prevent rainbow-looped Ragnarok is to eat as many of these rascally reconnaissance rabbits as possible.

Though February has hardly even begun to let loose her polar powdered wrath, these edible heralds of Punxsutawney Phil’s prophesied early spring have already been spotted by Cerealously pal Sammy Hain at Big Lots. Naturally, the best move when you get your hands on a Froot Loops Easter Bunny will be to slice it up with a cheese cutter and serve it atop Froot Loops Pop-Tarts like a cardiac-arresting charcuterie board.

(Conversely, the worst move would be to try toasting these hares like said Pop-Tarts, but that’s between you and your kitchen appliances.)

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Specials. Tags: easter, froot loops, kellogg's, non cereal. Leave a comment

Oct. ’19

Review: Kellogg’s All Together Cereal

Cereal mixology is a topic close to my heart.

Granted, I don’t actually mix cereals often—usually when I’m running uncomfortably low on one and/or the other cereal—but the infinite conceptual liberty that comes from architecting palate-impacting pairings that transform a familiar cereal experience into a work of edible interpretive art. And that’s before you add different milks to the equation!

There are obvious mixes, like Donettes + Honey Bun Cereal + Milky Coffee.

There are weirder ideas, like Banana Creme Frosted Flakes + Millville Peanut Butter & Jelly Puffs + Vanilla Almond Milk + Maple Syrup (I call it “An Unforgettable Bruncheon”).

And then there are mixes so uncouth and dubious that they border on cereal slander. Mixes like the one proposed and encouraged (but never confidently owned) by Kellogg’s in its All Together Cereal.

Released in support of GLAAD and LGBTQ+ youth for Spirit Day, All Together Cereal is a $20 novelty box stuffed with six miniature cereal boxes that, theoretically, you’re meant to gob all up in the same bowl as a symbol of intersectional solidarity. Of course, when you realize that Kellogg’s is only donating up to $50,000, a ‘stunning’ 1/258,640 of their annual revenue, All Together Cereal becomes a pretty obvious face for Rainbow Capitalism.

So while the concept is good-natured and silly, it has its share of ethical undoings before even cracking it open. But hey, might as well see just how offensive the proposed cereal concoction is, too! Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: corn flakes, froot loops, frosted flakes, kellogg's, mini-wheats, raisin bran, rice krispies. 5 Comments

Oct. ’19

Coming Soon: Pretzel Pop-Tarts & Froot Loop Pop-Tarts

Pretzel Pop-Tarts Brown Sugar Cinnamon & Chocolate

Photo via Candy Hunting

I’m sure you’re all familiar with the phrase “jumping the shark” by this point. You know, major turning points in the absurdity of any given property over time. The final season of Scrubs. The 3D television. The Renaissance. Many such cases.

And it seems even breakfast products in the best couple years have been iteratively cranking the the dubious complexity dial on their flavoring up to 100(g of sugar or degrees of abstraction). For cereal, this was less of a shark jumping than a sour patching, as this year’s gut-warpingly weird Sour Patch Kids Cereal eroded a hole in the proverbial stomach lining of possibility, allowing and normalizing the entrance of other cereal mutations—for better or worse.

Pop-Tarts, on the other hand, seemed to go off the deep end—right into the uncanny crumb catcher—earlier, with Maple Bacon Pop-Tarts heralding many other largely gimmicky Tarts.

Thankfully, Pop-Tarts’ latest conceptual sneak peeks are far more domesticated in their wildness than their second latest—I was worried we’d too-quickly evolve from Scanning our Tarts to Embedding Our Holo-Tarts With Genetic Seasoning (for the last Valentine’s Day before the Pastry Singularity.

Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: News. Tags: froot loops, kellogg's, pop-tarts. 3 Comments