Tag Archives: chocolate

News: Two New(ish) Kellogg’s Cereals are Coming in May!

https://www.instagram.com/p/Bt36PnOgoG4/

At some point, we’re going to reach terminal cereal redundancy.

It might not be until President Anthony T. Tiger is democratically elected as GRRR-and Crunch Chancellor in 2814 (rightfully usurping the callously crafted throne of the militaristic Cap’n before him), but I predict that someday, every cereal will exist, and originality will be an obsolete concept.

Carrot Cake Krispies? Pshh, they made that way back in 2083.
Unadorned Sponge Cake Toast Crunch? Surprisingly, that took General Mills (by then renamed Overly Specific Mills) ’til the mid-2400s.
And Honey Brunches of Oats Groundhogs & Waffles? Feels like they release that one every day!

Likely or not, the point of this prediction is that, until the last recesses of breakfast umami have been explored, there shouldn’t be too much reason to keep releasing the same cereals.

Case in point: Birthday Cake Froot Loops. A cereal that debuted in Canada for the country’s 150th anniversary in 2017, these formerly rosy rings now come in three colors that, while not birthday-themed in themselves, certainly seem like the type of thing a narcissistic Toucan Sam would serve at his own begrudgingly attended bash, to make everything color-code to his facial plumage. Continue reading

Spooned & Spotted: Trader Joe’s Neapolitan Puffs Cereal

Trader Joe's Neapolitan Puffs Cereal Box

You ever see Carpenter’s The Thing? You know, the one with the cute dogs and frosty alien visitors that nefariously replicate human life? Well in its 1951 ancestor film, the evil extraterrestrial is made of blood-lusted plant life. Now I’m not saying we should call up Kurt Russell, but it seems like Trader Joe’s latest cereal might have mixed the parasites with the parsnips, because it appears to be a familiar flavor with more vivid veggie DNA.

Trader Joe’s Neapolitan Puffs likely their Cocoa Puffs-mimicking concept and flamboyantly show-stopping box design as a glamour, to hide its most basic ingredients: beans and brown rice. Now, I will concede that there is a niche of noshers out there whose mindful eating habits would be excited by a more excitingly flavored, gluten-free alternative cereal, but in my experience most beaned breakfast cereals can never seem to properly complement (let alone mask) the lingering legume flavors of its constituent ingredients.

Not to mention the fact that Cocoa Puffs Ice Cream Scoops were a clumsily taste-balanced mirage of perfumed maize, in their own right. Two cones way down.

I’m not saying the deck is stacked against Trader Joe’s Neapolitan Puffs, but I will say that if whatever pallet of wine the cereal is stacked against in the TJ’s were to topple onto it, it likely wouldn’t be a great loss (and may taste way more intoxicatingly juicy).

Thanks to redditor /u/obleake for sharing this photo. If you have a fresh cereal scoop of your own, ice creamed or otherwise, we welcome them on our Submissions page.

 

Review: Rice Krispies Treats Snap Crackle Poppers (3 Flavors!)

Kellogg's Rice Krispies Treats Snap Crackle Poppers Review Pouches

What makes a balanced breakfast?

Cereal commercials will have you believe it calls for toast, fruit, milked cereal, another glass of milk, maybe like a sausage?, and some OJ for good measure. Despite such a figurative feast’s skewed carbo-hydrating to protein ratio, it’s still probably a better balanced breakfast than what I had in mind: a bowl of Rice Krispies in one hand and Cocoa Krispies in the other—each precariously perched on a card-tower of respective Confetti Cupcake and Chocolate Fudge Pop-Tarts.

Perfectly balanced, as all impending stomachaches should be.

That said, I’m really excited to work Kellogg’s new Rice Krispies Treats Snap Crackle Poppers into my balanced breakfast. Why, you ask? Because they’d make quite the square meal.

Nothing quite like 100 words of buildup to a two-word punchline. Anyway, for those still with me after that egregious comedy sin, it’s time to do some sweet penance: a three-part munchline of creamily coated and cubed Rice Krispies! Continue reading

Review: Cap’n Crunch’s Chocolatey Berry Crunch

Cap'n Crunch's Chocolatey Berry Crunch Cereal Review Box

To paraphrase a notable shrimp entrepreneur, “Valentine’s Day is like a box of Crunch Berries: you always know what you’re gonna get.”

And this made-up quote from a made-up character is right: February 14th inevitably means the same parade of uneaten Conversation Hearts, shamefully scarfed Reese’s Hearts, and tentatively nibbled (but ultimately abandoned) coconut chocolate-box rejects. For a Hallmark holiday, it seems to lack inspiration.

The company ought to call Yami Yugi, as it appears to have ignored the Heart of the Cards. Or maybe just shoot a text to Cap’n Crunch.

See, like Valentine’s Day, Cap’n Crunch’s infinitely iterated Crunch Berries cereals seasonally remix the geometry and color psychology of each, without touching the tried-and-true flavor formula. That is, until now, as H.M. Crunch’s Valentine-adjacent Chocolatey Berry Crunch brings chocolate to the Cap’n’s well-oiled chests and strawberry to his lovingly processed Crunch Berries.

Which is all to say that if Cap’n Crunch is breaking tradition just to make us his Valentine, he better buy us dinner too, before we accept his invitation to this dessert of a breakfast. But will this fresh face make him look like a snack, or will his cereal’s fresh duds be just that?

There’s just one way to find out, and I hope it doesn’t involve kissing a sea-brined mustache.

Continue reading

Review: Chocolate Toast Crunch (2019)

Chocolate Toast Crunch Cereal Review Box

What cosmic breakfastian powers command the scales of cereal justice? Which ancient grain gods and granulated goddesses hold court over the eternal fates of discontinued cereal souls, reanimating some amd leaving others in cultically revered purgatory?

Well whoever they are, they’ve got some explaining to do: it’s been nearly half a decade since the heyday (and collapse) of the 2000s’ Toast Crunch empire, and the General Millsian pantheon has only just now resurrected a second member of that power trilogy.

Let me explain—I firmly believe the first of the Toast Crunch’s Y2K success stories to return was not reborn directly. No, Frosted Toast Crunch (2012-2015) must have had its powdered sugar-dusted soul reincarnated in the form of Sugar Cookie Toast Crunch. By binding Frosted Toast Crunch’s might to a seasonally limited plane, this ho-ho-glow up made its predecessor frostier, butterier, and infinitely more loveable.

So now that we’re seeing the total return of the youngest Gen Z Toast Crunch, Chocolate (2013-2016), it begs an eternal question: where is the first among them? Where is my beloved Peanut Butter Toast Crunch? It debuted in 2004 to wide acclaim, even making a brief 2013 re-appearance after its first 2006 retirement. So while I’m ready to dive into these Chocolate Toast Crunch squares with cocoa gusto, it will inevitably leave me hoping for another spiritual successor to PB…

…one that merges its ghostly life energy with that of recently departed Strawberry Toast Crunch.

Continue reading

Review: Chocolatey Winter Lucky Charms

Chocolatey Winter Lucky Charms Cereal Review

You know that unfortunate person in your life whose birthday tragically falls within a week on either side of Christmas? The one whose cake and ice cream inevitably end up getting rebranded as pumpkin pie and sugar cookies so their family can make a joke about “2-for-1 discounts?”

I have a theory that Lucky the Leprechaun is that person. Why? Because he seems to be thoughtlessly regifting his Chocolate Lucky Charms like someone who’s lived through a spirit-numbing lifetime spent receiving “festive birthday socks.”

Yes, while the Toast Crunch family’s holiday party went off with nationwide fanfare—and probably more than a few interstellar parades, assuming the aliens got my celebratory transmission—Lucky and his band of merry Charms certainly didn’t try to steal Sugar Cookie Toast Crunch’s thunder.

Rather, we’ve been gifted Chocolatey Winter Lucky Charms, a cereal that takes the Chocolate Lucky Charm flavor General Mills has refined for decades, with the, erm, questionable geometry of holiday marshmallows first seen in last year’s Cinnamon Vanilla Lucky Charms.

Despite sounding unique, the Cinnamon Vanilla variety wasn’t terribly compelling. So maybe it’s for the best GM went the safer route: especially since, astoundingly, I haven’t yet reviewed Chocolate Lucky Charms on this blog.

That means I can consider Chocolatey Winter Lucky Charms a gift of opportunity, if not originality. Much like how coal gives a chance for some (very) early summer grilling. Continue reading

News: Rice Krispies Treats Snap Crackle Poppers are Coming Soon in 3 Flavors!

https://www.instagram.com/p/BoXe0ESn1As/?taken-by=thejunkfoodaisle

Okay, okay: who’s who?

You heard me right. The important question here isn’t “are you excited to eat sweetly coated Rice Krispies Treats niblets?” because of course I am. And I’ve even got a special ladle ready to eat them by the scoopful.

No, I’m more interested to see which Rice Krispies elf posed each of these new Snap Crackle Poppers’ 3 flavors. Crackle is obviously the wildcard, making him a shoe-in for Cookies ‘n’ Créme—I mean, these lil Treat cubes even spell their flavor differently than their full, rectangularly prismatic selves. What’s wilder than adding an accent?

Don’t answer that.

As for Snap and Pop, it’s a toss up between who’s more boring and Vanilla Créme-y and who’s barely scraping creatively by with Chocolatey. Actually, I’ve decided: I don’t care, and I’d rather daydream about what flavor Pow, the long-lost Rice Krispies black sheep, would choose for a Snap Crackle Popper/Power.

It has to be something crazy enough to get him in existential trouble, so probably Sriracha or Nintendo Switch Cartridge flavored.

Either way, we can look forward to seeing all 3 flavors on shelves soon. Thanks to both The Junk Food Aisle and Candy Hunting for the find. If you have a nugget of cereal knowledge to share, you can always pass it along here for a chance to see it on the site. Happy snapping, crackling, popping, crunching, munching, and 3-course lunching!

Spooned & Spotted: Chocolatey Winter Lucky Charms Cereal

https://www.instagram.com/p/Bn0FoCeBnSj/?taken-by=jhome_market

What’s the regifting equivalent of that old grade school exchange? You know, the one that goes, “Hey, can I copy your homework?” “Okay but change it up a little so it’s not obvious.”

I’d imagine that a similar kind of yuletide tomfoolery would involve spray painting unwanted tube socks, or maybe deep frying a fruit cake.

Or, you know, something like Lucky Charms’ “new” cereal variety for Holiday 2018.

See, the reason the above image, discovered by @jhome_market on Instagram, looks about as uncannily familiar as an Orwellian news report is because last year General Mills released Cinnamon Vanilla Lucky Charms alongside the spellcheck-triggering redundancy of Hot Cocoa Cocoa Puffs. But this time, they’re evidently cutting their losses, cutting their creativity, and splicing 2017’s snowiest cereals together into one cereal that totally hasn’t been made before. Next thing we know, Big Lucky is going to tell us we’ve always been at war with Kellogg’s.

Last year’s supernova, elongated pacifier, and marshmallow-shaped marshmallows are returning too, again masquerading as snowflakes, snowballs, and snowpersons. A final unwelcome comeback is Chocolate Lucky Charms’ bizarre tradition of using corn instead of oat ingredients, a snowshoe-sized misstep that swaps Lucky Charms’ iconic density with something more hollow and starchy.

So apologies for my preemptive Grinchitude—I’m just not looking forward to not getting a Gingerbread Toast Crunch again this year. I’d even settle for Coal-coa Puffs. But until we know more about this December’s cereal lineup, I give my thanks to jhome_market for sharing (the cereal can be found at Walmart, so far). And if you see a new or interesting cereal, be sure to send it to our Submissions page for a chance to see it here.

Have a holly jolly leaf raking!