Tag Archives: chocolate

News: Kellogg’s & Wendy’s FROSTY Cereal

Sorry Wendy’s, but this is neither penance nor atonement. Your sin is far too great to assuage with a sweet cereal.

I know I seem crass, but in my eyes (all full of glistening milky tears of spite), Wendy’s is at fault for popularizing the “kooky brand social media” trope that’s infected Twitter, Tumblr, and somehow my small intestine. Listen, it was funny the first umpteen times a big, million-follower account got snarky and all “sorry not sorry” for “throwing shade” at a competitor, but holy trash-talking guacamole, it’s gotta stop. I’m tired of brands pretending to be people.

I know nothing I say will stem the tide, though, so let me get to the point: Kellogg’s is teaming up with Wendy’s to drop the fast food chain’s first ever cereal, based on their iconic chocolate Frosty milkshake. According to Kellogg’s, “hitting shelves this December, the limited-edition cereal features chocolate-flavored marshmallow pieces that intermingle with crispy, cocoa-coated round cereal bites — each spoonful evokes the irresistible taste of a Wendy’s Frosty.”

Well, to me, each spoonful looks like it’ll evoke the tepid taste of an Elf on the Shelf Cereal (apologies, but I’m triggered by those molar-nesting capsule marbits). As with any new cereal, I’m willing to give it a chance to surprise me, but hey, either way, Wendy’s Frosty Cereal comes with a consolation prize: each cereal box includes a FREE small Frosty or Frosty-ccino with any Wendy’s app purchase.

Wait, I’m also still triggered by my childhood memory of throwing up a Wendy’s cheeseburger with a small Frosty I dunked my fries in.

Boy, I just can’t win today. Maybe I can assuage the pain by having @Wendys publicly dunk on me instead.

Posted by dan g.. Categories: News. Tags: chocolate, kellogg's, news. 3 Comments

Jul. ’21

Review: CLIF Cereals (x4!)

What’s your number?

No, I’m not asking for your phone digits, height & weight, or preferred prophetic angel number. Rather, what’s the most you’d be willing to pay for a new cereal? Depending on where you live, your typical breakfast boxful probably costs around $3-$4, or a little more for a family-sized brick of the stuff. Tipping the scales on the other end are indie/healthy cereals like Three Wishes and luxury products like Morning Summit, which seems to use its premium price point solely to earn PR—not unlike that silly I Am Rich app from the early iOS days.

Falling somewhere between average and exorbitant are premium cereals like LaraBar Cereal, KIND Bar Cereal, and now, yes, even CLIF Bar Cereals. I’m sure it’s only coincidence that trying all these bar-inspired cereals will cost you a veritable gold bar, but regardless, since they each cost about $7 a box, this is a morning investment worth researching first.

Thankfully, CLIF was kind enough to send me each of their four new cereal flavors, so I can tell you whether the steep price point is worth the sojourn. In other words, does the view justify the climb? Allow me to stake in my spoon and find out. Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: almond, apple cinnamon, blueberry, chocolate, honey, peanut butter. 3 Comments

Jun. ’21

Review: Cap’n Crunch’s Chocolate Caramel Crunch

See this?

*gestures vaguely at each pixel of my blog*

Everything your backlit screen touches is his.

Cap’n Crunch’s, that is.

Sure, Cerealously was inspired by my lifelong love of breakfast cereal, but no other figure encapsulates the imaginative id of cereal culture quite like Cap’n Horatio Magellan Crunch. Maybe it’s because—unlike General Mills and Kellogg’s who have entire cinematic universes of familiar, oft-interacting mascots and the cereals they hawk—Quaker really only has the Cap’n’s self-contained, yet expansive, milky mythology (Life and the like don’t count to me because they aren’t character fronted, but full due respect to the based grain that is Quaker Oatmeal Squares).

Kooky characters like Wilma the Winsome White Whale, Chockle the Blob, and Crunch Berry Beast aside, Cap’n Crunch has also debuted an impressive arsenal of epic flavors across his many decades in the biz that’ve helped fuel his nostalgic legacy. You’ve got Oops! All Berries, sure—arguably the single most iconic definition of a hallucinogenically artificial cereal flavor—but I could go on and on honoring the Cap’ns service to tastebuds everywhere, from Choco Donuts and Sprinkled Donuts to Punch Crunch and my personal favorite, Orange Creampop Crunch.

Long history short, other cereals are appetizing, but only one is Crunchatizing, so I’m always excited to taste the Cap’n’s latest. But is Chocolate Caramel Crunch his greatest? Let’s break-fast it down. Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: cap'n crunch, caramel, chocolate, quaker. Leave a comment

May. ’21

News: Cap’n Crunch’s Chocolate Caramel Crunch + Churro Bites!

Cap’n Horatio Magellan Crunch is a weird guy. In fact, I once wrote an op-ed about how the Cap’n is one of the last remaining bastions of cereal’s ’80s & ’90s golden era, back when off-the-wall breakfast gimmicks were a dime a chocolate-coated dozen. While other cereal brands were trying to remove artificial ingredients and promote active, on-the-go mealtimes, Cap’n Crunch was still wack-adaisically dropping Creamsicle and Cotton Candy cereals—not to mention atomically colored Slurpees and pancake syrup.

And don’t even get me started on Canuck Crunch.

On one hand, it's sad there's no maple flavoring here. But at the same time, I love how this calls the geopolitical loyalty of the Cap'n's military service entirely into question https://t.co/rdBZOurYcI

— Cerealously 🥛🥣 (@cerealouslynet) May 12, 2021

As a result, I’m always eager to see what else this kooky Cap’n and his detached eyebrows has up his nonsensically nautical sleeves.

That said, I’ll admit Quaker’s latest Chocolate Caramel Crunch isn’t quite as inspired as the Cap’n’s other seafaring fare—the combo of chest pieces and flavored Crunch Berries reminds me of the lackluster Chocolatey Berry Crunch. But I am interested to see if there’s better caramel flavor here than in the likewise *meh* Cap’n Crunch’s Caramel Popcorn Crunch. Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: News. Tags: cap'n crunch, caramel, chocolate, news, quaker. 6 Comments

May. ’21

Review: Special K Dipped Chocolatey Almond

Dipped. Dunked. Coated. Frosted. There are many dramatic ways—each dastardly and delightful—to bestow chocolatey goodness upon an otherwise indecently nude food morsel. I’ll be honest that I didn’t really know there was an industry distinction between chocolate-coated and chocolate-dipped flakes, but thanks to this allegedly groundbreaking new variety of Special K, we can be assured that choco-coated flakes are totally boring ol’ fudgy-duddies, while their dipped brethren are show-stopping pioneers in their field.

That’s a lot of hype for the cereal equivalent of Lay’s chocolate-dipped potato chips, which ended up having more charming novelty than rubber dog poop, but far less than those top hat-wearing drinking birds. Those guys have charm and novelty dripping down their felted chins! Let’s see how hip this chocolate dip really is.

(It was between that lame rhyming line and “let’s see how fun this ‘due really is.”) Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: chocolate, kellogg's, special k. 3 Comments

Apr. ’21

Review: RXBar Oatmeal (4 Flavors!)

I admit it: I’m a fraud.

See, I often claim that this is a blog about “cereal, Pop-Tarts, and oatmeal,” but I haven’t written a word about oatmeal since mid-2018—let alone other hot cereals. Sorry, Cream of Wheat, but I just don’t think we’re going to work out.

There are a couple reasons for my oatmeal abstinence. Logistically, I both don’t hear about new oatmeals often, plus in the breakfast aisle it’s way harder to notice new oatmeal varieties, since brands like Quaker will use the same box design with small element swaps.

But more importantly, I simply can’t get as excited about new strains of oatmeal as I can about new cereals. Oatmeal just lacks the crunch, potency, and childlike goofiness that makes cereal so fun—and don’t even get me started on how hard it is to take an attractive picture of beige mush. Like a school photographer, I find myself grimacing through the steamed-up lens, thinking “Oh. Great. You’re looking, so…eager,” as my oatmeal slogs its way through the $100 picture package its parents paid for.

Aesthetic tepidity aside, oatmeal is back in a sleek and minimalistic way with these RX A.M. Oats cups. Armed with four cutely cupped flavors—Chocolate, Apple Cinnamon, Maple, and Vanilla Almond—I’m here to take some moist glamour shots and see if these high-protein, low-ingredient cups can stand oat-to-oat with the feeble Quaker guy and his flimsy packets. Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: almond, apple, chocolate, cinnamon, maple, oatmeal, vanilla. Leave a comment

Apr. ’21

News: Special K Dipped Chocolatey Almond Cereal

Tired: Dippin’ Dots Cereal is coming back

Wired: Special K is dippin’ lots of toasted flakes in sweet, sweet chocolate!

Hitting shelves this month, Special K Dipped Chocolatey Almond is Kellogg’s first cereal to feature chocolate-dipped—rather than cocoa-baked or dusted—flakes. I can’t really recall if I’ve ever had a cereal with choco-dipped flakes, but every time I’ve encountered yogurt-coated flakes, it’s been a great time, so I’m betting these will be tasty.

In fact, the hype Kellogg’s is building around these flakes reminds me of the big deal Lay’s made about chocolate-dipped potato chips nearly a decade ago. Those were pretty good, but the problem was you didn’t get many for the price. So here’s hoping Special K Dipped Chocolatey Almond Cereal doesn’t skimp on the headlining star. Though the almonds and cocoa-coated flakes flanking the dipped ones seem like decent consolation prizes.

Speaking of which, where’s the free prize inside? I want a chocolate-coated matchbox car!

Posted by dan g.. Categories: News. Tags: chocolate, news, special k. Leave a comment

Apr. ’21

Review: Carvel Crunchies Cereal

“CRUNCH, YEAH!” insists the slightly unnerving face of Carvel’s cone-headed mascot.

But what I hear echoing is, “LAWS? NAH!”

Put simply, Carvel Crunchies feels like an illegal cereal. A controlled substance. The type of stuff I’d take to have a shamanic desert odyssey.

Starting today through April 18th, the first 150 people to place an in-person or digital order at their local Carvel location will get a complimentary box of Crunchies Cereal. Just be sure to bring a holster or attache case so you can secure the box to your person without putting bystanders at risk.

See, because Carvel Crunchies is a freebie cereal that’ll never be sold at stores—though it might find a niche at Cabela’s—it doesn’t have to hold itself to the same logical balanced-breakfast standards as every mainstream cereal. After all, Carvel Crunchies are based on the brand’s beloved fudge-covered cookie crumbles… Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: chocolate. 1 Comment