DON’T READ THIS.

Remember all those chain letters from the internet’s gullible youth that would start in largely the same way, threatening that if you don’t, say, send this cereal review to 10 other people, Chaka the ogreish Chex piece will sneak into your room at 3a.m. tonight and belch directly into your mouth?

That’s exactly how cursed Kellogg’s of South Korea’s Green Onion Chex Cereal feels. If you aren’t familiar with why this cereal exists, trust me: there’s no way its taste could be more interesting than its origin story, so I suggest you read my first post on the topic before continuing. But even though it’s a great tale, I’m no longer convinced it’s more than a government coverup. Kellogg’s SK may claim that their 2004 mock election between double-chocolate Cheky and green onion Chaka—the latter of whom won the popular vote in a landslide thanks to online agitators—was rigged so kids could enjoy the chocolatey cereal they’d already planned, I think the truth could be more sinister. Perhaps, after Chaka won and Kellogg’s decided to craft a Green Onion Chex, the end result was a substance so foreboding and oppressive that they had to seal it away like an unspeakable eldritch horror.

And now, after 16 years, they aren’t charitably making up for an earlier snub. No, they’re doing damage control: the dormant Chaka’s slumber has been disturbed by 2020’s various…2020isms…and now much like Rita Repulsa, he’s finally free to conquer Earth with his many layers of cross-hatched crunchy creepiness.

Is that to say Green Onion Chex tastes bad? Well, the answer isn’t cut and dry. More like, “cut and watch your eyes water right into the bowl.” Continue reading →