Aw jeez, gotta write quick: I feel like I’m reviewing on a timer here, like an Evangelion unit disconnected from its power supply. If I trail off mid-sentence, you’ll know that Sweet Dreams Cereal worked and I fell asle
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Just kidding, I’m still here and (debatably) lucid. Though my eyes are feeling heavy—but is that because Sweet Dreams, the first cereal designed to be eaten at night to promote restful sleep (with its natural melatonin production-supporting vitamins & minerals), actually works, or because it simply bores me to sleep? Well, turn on your device’s blue-light filter, slip into your finest Sleepytime Tea Bear nightgown/sleeping cap combo, and we’ll all find out together. Continue reading →
Wow, I can’t believe we’re finally getting a cereal flavored like my favorite regional Midwest ice cre—wait, what? You’re telling me the “Blue Moons” in these Frosted Pandora Flakes have nothing to do with the sorcerously ambiguous berry-marshmallow nectar of my youth?
Yeugh. Well fine, I’ll still give this Avatar: The Way of Water / Kellogg’s collab the time of day (2:05p.m. EST, to be specific), but only because I love this new trend of letting Tony the Tiger flex his cinematic bravado instead of putting any actual movie characters on the box. You can just tell he’s begging to be roped into somebody’s movie multiverse.
No, I’m not asking for your phone digits, height & weight, or preferred prophetic angel number. Rather, what’s the most you’d be willing to pay for a new cereal? Depending on where you live, your typical breakfast boxful probably costs around $3-$4, or a little more for a family-sized brick of the stuff. Tipping the scales on the other end are indie/healthy cereals like Three Wishes and luxury products like Morning Summit, which seems to use its premium price point solely to earn PR—not unlike that silly I Am Rich app from the early iOS days.
Falling somewhere between average and exorbitant are premium cereals like LaraBar Cereal, KIND Bar Cereal, and now, yes, even CLIF Bar Cereals. I’m sure it’s only coincidence that trying all these bar-inspired cereals will cost you a veritable gold bar, but regardless, since they each cost about $7 a box, this is a morning investment worth researching first.
Thankfully, CLIF was kind enough to send me each of their four new cereal flavors, so I can tell you whether the steep price point is worth the sojourn. In other words, does the view justify the climb? Allow me to stake in my spoon and find out. Continue reading →
The fruit-to-artificial-imitation pipeline is really interesting to me. You’ve got fake flavors like green apple that, while not anything like eating a Granny Smith, at least sort of makes sense, as the artificial version still puckers one’s lips with hyped-up juiciness. But then you have the candied bananas, strawberries, and blueberries of the world. These range anywhere from “okay, I could see it, maybe in a sweet smoothie” to “why must humans play God?”
Blueberry is fascinating to me because, though I love Kellogg’s blueberry Fruity Snacks and Boo Berry, I’m not under any impression that those reflect reality. In all honesty, I’m not the biggest fan of plain blueberries. I’m much more of a strawberry fella, even (and especially) when it comes to jelly. Don’t even get me started on Grape PB&Js.
Oh man, I got so off topic there. The point is that the dried blueberries—something I’ve never had before—in Kellogg’s new Special K with Blueberries cereal strike an interesting balance between fresh and highly concentrated blueberry flavor. And they’re huge! Continue reading →
Lucky Charms? Frosted Flakes? Honey Bunches of Oats?
Sure, they’re classic cereals, but are they legends? You can’t have a myth without the mythology, nor a hero without an origin story. And I’m not talking about internally manufactured lore—no matter how good the Cap’n Crunch Extended Universe is. No, the cereals whose legacies will endure the eventual expiration of every earthly trademark will be the ones who moved people. The cereals that collided with culture without significant marketing spin.
I’m talkin’ Oreo O’s, which endured an enigmatic purgatory of legalese by seeking refuge in South Korea.
I’m talkin’ Honeycomb, whose formula change revealed that not only do people not want all-natural flavoring in classic cereals, but they don’t want it so hard that they’ll rally with the vitriol of a bloodlusted Crazy Craving.
And I’m talkin’ Blueberry Muffin Tops, a cereal that launched an outlandish, fan-driven convention spectacle. At that time, Blueberry Muffin Tops was at the cult-favorite cusp between its 2004 introduction and 2016ish disappearance. Back then, before it was bought out by Post, Malt-O-Meal had a much harsher (thought largely unfounded) reputation for selling cheap cereal bootlegs in bulk without a granule of originality. But Blueberry Muffin Tops was a breath of freshly Ziploc’d air. We’re spoiledforchoice now, but years ago a craving for blueberry breakfast cereals forced a choice between Blueberry Mini-Wheats (boring), waiting ’til October for Boo Berry (boo-ring), and Post’s Blueberry Morning—which, to be fair, is pretty great, but without word-of-mouth recommendation it just looks like another boring ‘healthy’ cereal.
Blueberry Muffin Tops solved that crisis with its unrestrained, shameless sugary goodness. And while it was discontinued due to a lack of consumer demand, BMT’s everlasting appeal has resurged to the point that Malt-O-Meal, no doubt buoyed by Post’s greater capacity for potential failure, is rebirthing them as Blueberry Muffin Toasters, most likely to make them gel with their larger line of Toast Crunch taste-alikes, but also hopefully because M-O-M doesn’t want to give anyone the wrong idea about bringing back low-rise jeans.
May they be lowered to the deepest drop-crotch of hell. Continue reading →
Shhh! Here: take these black robes and put them on. Just don’t make a sound.
Tiptoe around the maple-scented candles and gather round the Ouija Griddle.
Tonight, we’re going to try and summon Waffle Crisp from the grave.
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Zounds! Foiled by Beelzegrub himself again! No matter how many boxes of Chicken & Waffles Cereal I sacrifice, the necromancers who dwell in the cursed ruins of Postopia never hear my cries. But all is not lost: my prayers have reached the GRRR-oaning orifices of the Kellogg’s Leviathan, who have rewarded my syrupy blood magics with two boxes of Eggo Cereal. All it took was 10,000 people to discard their souls and retweet the demands of their branded overlords.
But nevertheless, Eggo Cereal is back after 7 years spent in eggs-in-purgatory—in both Maple and Blueberry, at that. But is it a worthy successor to our dearly departed dark amber lord? Allow me to retrieve my devilish pitch-spork and find out.Continue reading →
The holiday season and healthiness are forever at odds.
On one hand, we have Thanksgiving foods like stuffing, sweet potato casserole, and all manner of gravy-glazed paraphernalia. And in the other hand, I have about two-dozen sugar cookies.
Look, it’s not the holiday season if you aren’t double-fisting and and doubling your fitting size.
But while most of us will be poppin’ buttons ’til we pop the last bottle on New Year’s Eve, Magic Spoon wants to make autumnal–winter flavor a little less embiggening.
If you recall, I reviewed Magic Spoon’s core four flavors not too long ago, deeming the brand, by and large, the most flavorful option for cereal lovers looking for a cereal with specifically streamlined nutritional info. Sure, it’s comparatively expensive and tastes like biomedically fortified Swole Cereal, but as long as you don’t expect a Lucky Charms or Cocoa Puffs, Magic Spoon delivers on its high protein, low carb promises.
And while many of these premium cereal startups tend to stick to a few flavors—as breakfast entrepreneurship is no doubt difficult when competing with billion-dollar brands—Magic Spoon has launched two new flavors to go toe-to-cloves-to-bowtie with the likes of Pumpkin Spice Cheerios and Boo Berry. Sure, blueberry and pumpkin are both familiar cereal aisle flavors by this point, but the addition of chai into the Pumpkin Chai variety is what really has my mind reeling like a barista trying to remember the components of a Pennywise Frappuccino.
You see this, General Mills? You just gonna let them corner the chai cereal market? Sounds like if you don’t drop a Chai-nnamon Toast Crunch sometime soon, you might be Magic-ally out of business. Just my perspective, at least.
Toast or not toast, you can buy a four-pack of these flavors on Magic Spoon’s website.
(Yes, I know the best by date is before I post this—rest assured, I tested them literally just in time before it was too late.)
Heh, if you thought the economic prognosis for cereal was grim, then its perennial bowlfellow is facing an udderly dire future.
Of course, as active eaters are focusing on more energizing breakfasts, and as dairy consumption is plummeting by the billions of dollars, interest in milk alternatives is increasing amongst consumers across all levels of lactose tolerance. Oat milk, especially, is taking off as the hippest, sippest stuff to put on your cereal—especially if you’re eating a creepy–corny cereal that desperately needs to throwback to the good oat days.
In a radical effort to make milk more appealing to modern kids, Borden Farms has launched three State Fair-inspired milk flavors in select, fair-friendly states. Symbolically implying a situation wherein a blue-ribbon 4H cow broke loose from the clumsy trappings of man to storm the deep-fried fairway before being milked by opportunistic carnies looking to get the most bang out of their heifer-heisted buck, these milks bring Blueberry Cobbler, Banana Taffy, and Cotton Candy to the breakfast table.
Overlooking the clear missed opportunity for a caramelized Funnel Cake Milk (milked from real elephant ears!), this potent lineup of tastes was kindly sent to me by Borden’s Elsie the Cow herself, who pseudo-calmly reminded me between moos that I simply must squat on my stoop in anticipation of a shipment that must be refrigerated immediately in order to keep her sweet nectar crisp and uncurdled.
Well, mission accomplished, Elsie. I don’t do many milk reviews on this site, but given that atomically hued milks are practically begging to be poured atop flavorfully complementary cereals, I couldn’t resist the chance to get a little artsy with my pairings. Here’s hoping I at least get a participation ribbon in the Pastoral Landscapes category. Continue reading →
