Tag Archives: 9 rating

23

Sep. ’16

Review: Kellogg’s Limited Edition Frosted Caramel Apple Pop-Tarts

Kellogg's Limited Edition Frosted Caramel Apple Pop-Tarts Box

I’ve never considered bobbing for Pop-Tarts before, but after trying Kellogg’s new Caramel Apple Pop-Tarts, I’m ready to fill a 19th century wooden bucket with water and pastries and dive in headfirst.

But before I take my triumphant Olympian plunge, let’s set the stage.

After years of dominance, pumpkin spice is starting to lose its novelty. There are only so many things you can cram ginger and nutmeg into. So like an autumnal retelling of Star Wars, apple-flavored snacks have started a quiet rebellion against the Pumpkin Empire. And I like to think that Caramel Apple Pop-Tarts are their heroic Luke Skywalker.

Luke Apple Piewalker has quite the origin story, too. While these Tarts were only formally announced about two months ago, we first leaked an early release image of them way back in April. Back then, searching for “caramel apple pop-tarts” just made Google think you were drunk.

I wondered whether these neon-squiggled rectangles would ever see the light of day, but I’m happy to say that they have. And now they’ll get to see the warming light of my toaster, too. Continue reading →

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21

Sep. ’16

Review: Trader Joe’s “this pumpkin walks into a bar…” Cereal Bars

Trader Joe's "this pumpkin walks into a bar..." Cereal Bars Box

“They’re called cereal bars, okay? It says it right on the box! I promise, I am not a monster!” I shout to the non-existent critics who haunt my nightmares and claim that my breakfast cereal blog has strayed too far from its flaky roots.

I’m not going to feel bad about reviewing Trader Joe’s conversationally named “this pumpkin walks into a bar…” pumpkin breakfast bars, because A) It’s the witching season so there are no rules and B) I already reviewed these bars’ little brother, Pumpkin Spice Nutri-Grain bars, so I want to compare the pair.

Note: I call Pumpkin Spice Nutri-Grain the little brother not just because TJ’s bars have existed longer, but also because of each bar’s respective aesthetic. Trader Joe’s pumpkin bars seem like the hippy college student who dropped out to join the Peace Corps, while Nutri-Grain bars feel like the 1st grader who’s still making fuzzy spiders out of pipe cleaner pieces.

While you digest that mental image, I’ll start digesting this “this pumpkin walks into a bar…” bar. Continue reading →

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28

Aug. ’16

Review: Nature Valley Granola Crunch – Cinnamon & Maple Brown Sugar

Nature Valley Granola Crunch Cinnamon and Maple Brown Sugar Bags

Chunks of rock are underrated. Whether you’re gazing at geodes in a museum, winning a piece of the Aggro Crag on Nickelodeon GUTS, or simply throwing things in the quarry with Creed from The Office, chunks of rock are versatile and fun.

And edible chunks of rock are delicious, too. Fruity Pebbles, rock candy, chocolate-covered rocks, and Rocky Road ice cream? All of the above, please! The latest snack to join this honorable lineage of gravel is Nature Valley’s Granola Crunch. These green satchels come in Cinnamon and Maple Brown Sugar, and they promise to contain 21 Nature Valley Granola Bars-worth of flavor-packed oat rectangles that fell apart on the granola bar assembly line lovingly crafted oat bites.

I’ve recently had a personal granola rebirth, so I’m excited to bathe in the warm-baked glory of these craggy crumbs. Continue reading →

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17

Jul. ’16

Review: Kirkland Signature Nature’s Path Organic Ancient Grains Granola with Almonds

Kirkland Signature Nature's Path Organic Ancient Grains Granola with Almonds Box

I was once content with being a mere granola observer. But thanks to Nature’s Path Organic Ancient Grains Granola, I’m a believer.

You see, I used to view granola as cereal’s athletic and beefy older sibling. While cereal and I were happy crashing on the couch with a bowlful of technicolor sugar whirlpools, granola was climbing mountains of Greek yogurt and swimming in protein shakes. I never hated granola for being more active than me, but you better believe I turned up the volume on The Price is Right when he walked into the room.

But all that has changed. After a failed search for Sam’s Club’s economy-sized boxes of Multigrain Cheerios + Ancient Grains, I braved Costco instead for something to satisfy my ancient yearnings. And despite sounding like the premise of another Scorpion King sequel (they made five of those movies?), that Costco quest led me to this epiphanic tweet:

Allow me to fulfill that promise of “more to come.” Continue reading →

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08

Jul. ’16

Review: Nature Valley Chocolate Oat Bites Cereal

Nature Valley Chocolate Oat Bites Box

Please, oh please, Nature Valley Chocolate Oat Bites: you have to be better than Attack of the Clones.

Let me explain what I mean by this. I recently came to the conclusion that my experience with General Mills’ new 2016 line of Nature Valley cereals closely parallels my experience watching the Star Wars films.

Nature Valley’s “original trilogy” provided an exciting plot arc. First, Chocolate Oat Clusters brought an innovative breath of fresh air to the breakfast table. With its fudgy decadence and rich clusters, Chocolate Oat Clusters gave me A New Hope that grown-up cereal could be fun.

Then Baked Oat Bites Struck Back. With layers of sour cream doughnut complexity, it improved on Cracklin’ Oat Bran’s seemingly un-improvable formula. Finally, Honey Oat Clusters happily rounded out the saga with a Return to its predecessors’ doughnut-esque delightfulness, but it lacked a sense of cliffhanging, compelling intrigue.

I thought the fun was done there, but then Nature Valley announced two more cereals. The first, Raisin Oat Clusters, was a bit of a disappointment. It was less imaginative and more dry. And unlike the other movies, The Phantom Menace didn’t even taste like a bakery dessert!

Wait a minute—I think I mixed my metaphors there.

That’s a long-winded way of explaining how Chocolate Oat Bites—the newest Nature Valley cereal—has to break the cycle. Attack of the Clones may not have been the worst Star Wars film, but I sure wouldn’t want to watch it for breakfast every morning. Continue reading →

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06

Jun. ’16

Review: General Mills Strawberry Tiny Toast and Blueberry Tiny Toast Cereals

Tiny Toast Boxes

The first toaster was invented in 1893.

The first fully functional bread slicer came in 1928.

And in 2016, General Mills released Tiny Toast cereal. Shortly after, bread historians declared a new era of toast prosperity: the Golden Brown Age.

You see, since Cinnamon Toast Crunch isn’t shaped like bread, and since French Toast isn’t made in a toaster, that makes Strawberry and Blueberry Tiny Toast the first truly toast-themed cereals ever made.

It’s hard to believe that Tiny Toast is also General Mills’ first new cereal brand in 15+ years. The only thing harder to believe is that humans had to slice bread by hand like barbarians in order to make toasty delight for 35 whole years.

But it’s true: GM’s last new brand was Harmony Cereal in 2001, a short-lived cereal marketed specifically for women. I’m glad that Tiny Toast is aimed at the much more universal audience of “bread lovers,” and as a self-professed “bread head” myself, I’m just as grateful that both flavors now sit in a bowl before me.

No more loafin’ around: let’s roll!

Continue reading →

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04

Jun. ’16

Guest Review: Kellogg’s Froot Loops Cereal

Froot Loops Box

I have a contentious relationship with change.

Change is what replaced the Saturday morning adventures of TJ Detweiler, Pepper Ann Pearson, and Doug Funny with 10-year-old infomercials for the NuWave Oven.

Change is what forced out totally believable, badass bad guys like Grand Moff Tarkin in favor of obnoxiously nasally Disney spinoff characters.

Change made McDonald’s French fries less irresistible, banished Oreo O’s to Korea (the good one), and turned fifth grade gym classes of army dodgeball into sixth grade gym classes of badminton. Bad-freaking-mittens.

I have a contentious relationship with change, especially when I’m holding up the line at the grocery store because I’m three pennies short of the $1.88 I need to buy a box of Froot Loops.

“Oh. Just take it.”

I grin at the pimply-faced high schooler behind the register at Weis. I have a strong desire to pull my resident old-man card and reminiscence on my own days working through that hell on earth we call “summer jobs,” but then again, I’ve already gotten my blast from the past for one day. Besides, no one wants to relive Kmart at $7.25 an hour. Trust me.

Modern man may have relegated the greatest cartoons of all time to fuzzy YouTube videos, but it’s good to know that Toucan Sam and Froot Loops still get a place on the endcaps of grocery store aisles. This is one cereal that I can count on, obnoxiously large beaked mascot and all.

Continue reading →

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02

Jun. ’16

Review: Limited Edition Fruity Crisp Oreo Cookies

fruity-crisp-oreos

Cereal-stuffed, Fruity Pebble Oreos, baby!

Right, right: Nabisco’s new Fruity Crisp Oreos aren’t officially licensed Fruity Pebbles cookies, nor do they even say the word “cereal” on the front. But we all know “Fun, colorful rice crisps” is just Oreo’s way of keeping Fred and Barney from filing a lawsuit.

It’s like how Kellogg’s has “Cookies & Creme” Pop-Tarts, even though everyone and their cookie-dunking grandma calls them Oreo Pop-Tarts. In the eyes of me and Granny Cerealously, these are Fruity Pebble Oreos, so I’m going to review them like they’re cereal in circular, processed cookie form. Continue reading →

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