Tag Archives: 8 rating

Review: Batman vs. Superman Cereals

There’s a war going on, cereal fans. A war on breakfast!

And no, I don’t mean the ongoing blood feud between Pop-Tarts and Toaster Strudel (though the latest news is that Kaiser Doughboy is attempting a surprise attack on a troop of Frosted Blueberry pastries just east of the toaster).

No, this new battle is one of superheroic proportions. Just in time for the upcoming Batman vs. Superman movie, DC Comics (which I can only assume stands for Delicious Cereal) has licensed a new cereal for each of the famous combatants.

Don’t ask me why, but Superman was bestowed the power of “Caramel Crunch,” while Batman pulled “Chocolate Strawberry” out of his utility belt. Which will be the hero of your tastebuds? Let’s wait for the artificially flavored smoke to clear and find out!

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Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: 8 rating, caramel, general mills, movie cereals. 14 Comments

Dec. ’15

Review: Kellogg’s Frosted Chocolatey Caramel Pop-Tarts

Pop! Pop! Pop!

Can you hear it? No, it’s not the sound of tomorrow New Year’s Eve fireworks and party poppers. And no, it’s not your grumpy midwestern cousin who insists that it isn’t called “soda.”

It’s the sound of Kellogg’s wild and wonderful Pop-Tart-O-Matic, which has been eagerly popping out new flavors directly into our hungry mouths faster than we can say, “Wait, a serving size is one pastry?” Yesterday we covered the new-but-actually-secretly-from-the-late-’90s Frosted Watermelon Pop-Tarts, and today it’s time for a more straightforward flavor: Frosted Chocolatey Caramel.

Don’t worry, there won’t be any cross-contamination between the two: I made sure my toaster brushed his teeth first.

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Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: 8 rating, kelloggs, non cereal, pop-tarts. 1 Comment

Dec. ’15

Review: Cap’n Crunch’s Christmas Crunch Cereal (2015)

I bet you expected me to start this review off with a snarky Christmas pun, right? Well to completely subvert your expectations, allow me to pose you a question:

Do you remember that episode of Yu-Gi-Oh where the villainous Maximillion Pegasus traps Yugi’s grandpa in soulless, unmoving card?

Though I’m sure the majority response to my question will be “Of course not: I have better uses for my brain’s real estate than oddly specific memories of early 2000s children’s cartoons,” this reference is appropriate for reviewing 2015’s rendition of Cap’n Crunch’s annual Christmas Crunch offering.

Why?

Because the gosh darn box refuses to change or have any soul! Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: 8 rating, cap'n crunch, holiday, quaker. 2 Comments

Dec. ’15

Review: Trader Joe’s Organic Triple Ginger Instant Oatmeal

Oh…oh dear. Am I ready for this?

I’m still trying to treat my tongue gingerly after the unexpected burn from the ginger land mines it had the misfortune to provoke while eating Trader Joe’s Cranberry Gingerbread Granola earlier this week. But now the mysterious, faceless Trader Joe is serving up a steamy bowl of oats that contains not just single ginger or double ginger, but triple ginger!

That’s like, “you must be over 18 in order to eat this” levels of ginger. (Side note: I wouldn’t recommend searching for “triple ginger” with Google SafeSearch off. Things will get steamy for a whole different reason).

Regardless, it’s time to expose my tongue to all 3 degrees of ginger, even if that means exposing it to 3rd degree burns, too.

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Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: 8 rating, non cereal, oatmeal, trader joe's. 3 Comments

Dec. ’15

Review: Sugar Cookie Toast Crunch Cereal

We’re a few days deep into December now, and even though I have yet to be buried a few feet deep in snow, the holiday spirit is already coursing through my veins like some sort of magical energizing fifth humor that the Greeks never noticed. Or maybe I’m just feeling a rush from all the sugar in this Sugar Cookie Toast Crunch.

Returning in a new, vibrant red packaging for 2015 (SCTC debuted last winter), Sugar Cookie Toast Crunch combines 4 of the greatest words of all time into one great cereal name. I mean, seriously: sugar, cookie, toast, and crunch. Each of these words on its own represents something fantastic and delightful, and now they’re all partying together in the form of white powdered flakes.

The only way General Mills could’ve made the name more badass is if they somehow worked in the word “Tyrannosaurus.”

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Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: 8 rating, general mills, holiday, toast crunch. 5 Comments

Nov. ’15

Review: Quaker Real Medleys Granola & Yogurt Blend Strawberry & Almond

*panting*

Sorry, I just need to catch my breath after typing out the name of this sort of new…what do I even call it? Yogurt cup? Granola yogurt? Cardboard receptacle for flavored powder and milk that features the grinning face of a friendly old man?

I’m just gonna call it grano-gurt for short.

But the fact of the matter is, the mass of words and ampersands in the name of this grano-gurt is a testament to just how ridiculously large the number of Quaker products out there is. With so many Quaker oat guy faces in the oatmeal/granola/hot cereal aisle, you’d think it was some weird oatmeal parody of Attack of the Clones. I mean, “Quinoa” sounds like the name of a Star Wars planet anyway.

In fact, the medley of words on this Real Medleys grano-gurt was so confusing, I didn’t even realize until I opened it that it wasn’t oatmeal at all. Regardless, granola is a close enough relative of cereal that I’ll give it a review anyway.

Anything to stop those dead, staring Quaker guy eyes from piercing into my soul.

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Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: 8 rating, granola, quaker, strawberry. 2 Comments

Oct. ’15

Review: Love Grown Foods Bats & Boos Chocolate & Vanilla Cereal

Picture this:

You’re 8 years old. You just finished a long night of successful trick-or-treating. You even remembered to avoid Old Lady Cruthers house. No way you were gonna fall for her candy/dental floss switcheroo this year! You take off your Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles headpiece and empty your pillowcase of loot onto the living room floor.

But to your gasping surprise, the only thing that comes out…is beans!

This is the stuff Halloween nightmares are made of, right? Well, maybe not: don’t smash all your jack-o-lanterns in disgust just yet, because Love Grown Foods has released the latest in their line of bean based cereals: Bats & Boos Chocolate & Vanilla. Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: 8 rating, halloween, love grown foods. 4 Comments

Oct. ’15

Review: Frosted Pumpkin Pie Pop-Tarts vs. Trader Joe’s Organic Frosted Pumpkin Toaster Pastries

As the toaster pops up, it’s time for two pastries to throw down.

With little cartoon pumpkins spreading throughout grocery store aisles like some sort of vegetable venereal disease, it’s hard to know which products do the orange orb its proper justice. And when you’re 5 minutes late to work in the morning, you certainly don’t have time to philosophically pontificate over the pros and cons of different pumpkin breakfast options (“the frosting on this one really speaks to me, but what would Kierkegaard think?”).

But don’t worry. We’re here to help.

Better than Wrestlemania. Better than a monster truck rally. Better than the World Series, Stanley Cup championship, and Wimbledon all mixed together in a Super Bowl: it’s time for a toaster tart face-off.

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Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: 6 rating, 8 rating, kelloggs, non cereal, pop-tarts, pumpkin, trader joe's. 2 Comments