Tag Archives: 7 rating

13

Dec. ’15

Review: Trader Joe’s Cranberry Gingerbread Granola

IMG_4169I love gingerbread. I’m saying it now. I’m saying it in short, staccato sentences. I love gingerbread men. I love gingerbread houses. I love the character of Gingy in the Shrek films. I insist people call me “Gingerbread Dan” around Christmastime. I’d give up an arm and a leg of my own if it meant getting the chance to bite the arms and legs off of a discontinued Kemps Gingerbread Man ice cream sandwich again.

I love their earthy color. I love the blend of spices. I love the molasses. But most of all, I love the sadistic joy of tearing a soft, pliable sugar man limb from tasty limb all in the name of holiday spirit. Please mention that last sentence in my eulogy.

I’ve campaigned for gingerbread flavored cereals before to no avail. So that’s why when I heard about Trader Joe’s new Cranberry Gingerbread Granola, my heart started pumping faster than the Gingerbread Man’s when he’s running away from those who chase him. But will this mix of “whole grain oats with dried cranberries, ginger, and wintry spices” be a winter win? Continue reading →

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07

Dec. ’15

Review: Trix Cereal without Artificial Flavors & Colors

IMG_4153Times change, friends.

When they debuted in 1955, Trix were in spherical shapes. But in the 1990s, they became the fruit-shaped pieces that many today insist they always have been. It wasn’t until 2007 that Trix became spheres once more, and the fruit-shapes were left to populate every single BuzzFeed “Top 25 Foods from our Childhood that We Want Back NOW! You Won’t BELIEVE #12!” article from now until eternity.

Oh, and apparently fruit-shaped Trix are still a thing in Mexico. I smell a fruit-scented roadtrip!

And now that General Mills has removed artificial colors and flavors from Trix, some are, again, mourning the loss of a childhood staple. But wait! Back when they debuted, Trix only came in orange, lemon, and raspberry flavors! As these artificial color-free Trix adopt a similar color scheme, it can be said that the cereal really has come full circle.

Or should I say full sphere?

Either way, I’m here to answer the hard-hitting question that you, your family, and probably even the United Nations have been debating: will they taste the same as”regular” Trix? Continue reading →

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04

Nov. ’15

Review: Reese’s Puffs Treats Cereal Bars

IMG_4067Another cereal bar review?

You might be asking yourself, “has Cerealously abandoned the art of the bowl forever? Are we destined to have all of our breakfasts now be in the form of bars? Should I start squeezing my scrambled eggs into portable rectangles?”

But fear not, bowled souls. Though the breakfast cereal industry is likely greatly influenced by the success of on-the-go breakfasts, my own recent magnetism towards bars is mostly sparked by the demanding nature of university life. After all, pouring 2% on a crackling bowl of Rice Krispies in the middle of an exam probably won’t win me any new friends.

So what’s the bar-tender’s special tonight? Reese’s Puffs Treats. Continue reading →

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03

Nov. ’15

Review: Holiday Rice Krispies Treats Blasted with M&M’s Minis

IMG_4063With Halloween just 2 days in the grave, you know what that means: time for food companies to go hog wild on marketing for the secularly ambiguous “holiday season.”

Or should I say “nog wild?” It’s about time we got an eggnog flavored cereal.

Now I love Thanksgiving just as much, if not more than the next guy—Mashed Potato-ism is my formally declared religion—but since we’re unlikely to see any turducken flavored cereals in the near future, it’s worth cutting straight to the red and green.

And while I’m not sure if these Rice Krispies Treats are new for 2015, please don’t tell me. I want to preserve the Christmas magic, as if these Treats were marshmallowy embodiments of Santa Claus himself. Let’s review!

Continue reading →

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12

Oct. ’15

Review: Trader Joe’s Pumpkin O’s Cereal

IMG_3962Ahh, Trader Joe’s.

With its Hawaiian shirt-wearing employees, its whimsical wordplay, and its overwhelmingly campy atmosphere, I’ve always thought of it as the grocery store equivalent of Uncle Joey from Full House.

And just like how everyone’s goofy uncle has some sort of kitschy obsession, Trader Joe’s goes absolutely bananas pumpkins during the fall season.

That’s right. I just turned pumpkins into a verb. Continue reading →

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08

Oct. ’15

Review: Franken Berry Cereal (2015)

IMG_3914Tired of Count Chocula stealing the spotlight with his toothy grin, Franken Berry shoves the cloaked, cocoa narcissist aside. 

“That’s the last straw,” he bellows. “It’s time for strawberries to run this show!”

I hope you’re getting berry excited for Halloween, because now that the wonderful month of October is finally in full swing (speaking of which: just look at all the glorious fake skeletons swinging in the breeze!), it’s time to crack open another box of General Mills’ monster cereals, which are back with a bloodthirsty milkthirsty vengeance for the 2015 season. Continue reading →

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23

Sep. ’15

Review: Franken Berry and Boo Berry Fruit Roll-Ups

IMG_3857I remember a simpler time. A time we call…elementary school.

Back in those days of yore, the lunchroom took upon its own savage ecosystem, with rivaling table kingdoms each simultaneously isolated in their rituals and customs but also warring and bartering with neighbors. Within each kingdom was a long-developed economy of trade, in which treats brought from home carried value that could only be priced in terms of other foods. And like a real economy, these values were ever-fluctuating.

But there was one processed snack that never deviated in its worthiness as edible currency: Fruit Roll-Ups.

While a plastic baggie of half-crumbled cookies may have been worth 3 pre-packaged fruit cups one day and nothing but stale graham crackers the next (after the crash of the unpredictable schoolyard stock market on Oreos, most likely), Fruit Roll-Ups were the gold standard. They never failed to attract the attention of brown paper bag-toting snack brokers everywhere.

And now? They’re going Halloween! Continue reading →

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15

Sep. ’15

Review: Canadian Cheerios Plus Cereal (Honey Almond & Cinnamon Coconut)

IMG_3830♫ O Canadaaaa… ♪

It’s a shame General Mills wasn’t able to work some form of that musical pun into the promotion of their new, Canada-exclusive line of Cheerios Plus cereals. But I guess I can’t blame them: General Mills U.S. hasn’t used “The Sprinkle-Spangled Banner” yet, either.

As I wrote previously, Cheerios Plus appears to be a Canadian take on the U.S.’s recent Cheerios Protein cereals. Like Cheerios Protein, Cheerios Plus boasts the addition of new, healthier ingredients.

But there are a few differences here between Plus and Protein, both on a surface and flavor level. Cheerios Plus ditches the bulky cardboard box of its U.S. brother in favor of a sleek, modern black bag. I’m not sure how I feel about this choice; on one hand, it reduces waste. But on the other, it leaves my Cheerios in such a fragile state that the noise of a passing lawnmower could pulverize them into dust like an opera singer shattering a wine glass.

But hey, if they’re from a country that already bags its milk, I guess bagged cereal is a logical next step. What’s next: bagged scrambled eggs? Continue reading →

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