Tag Archives: 6 rating

Review: Cocoa Puffs Ice Cream Scoops Cereal

Neapolitan ice cream is criminally underrated. I mean, it combines the three most popular ice cream flavors (though I still can’t fathom how plain ol’ vanilla is more popular than Chocozuma’s Revenge, Chocolardiac Arrest, or any of those other “X-Treme Ice Creamz”) into one—sometimes even in snowman form—and we still hardly see it appear in things other than ice cream. Heck, even Naples itself has a flag that looks more like Superman ice cream than neapolitan’s iconic pink, brown, and creme.

And before these new neapolitan Cocoa Puffs Ice Cream Scoops, there has been only one other neapolitan cereal—and it was only released in New Zealand. I guess America will have to make the first kiwi cereal as revenge.

But enough melty melancholia. Let’s see if these strawberry, vanilla, and chocolate Cocoa Puffs are good enough to turn my local Baskin-Robbins’ 31 flavors into 401k. Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: 6 rating, chocolate, cocoa puffs, general mills, strawberry, vanilla. 2 Comments

May. ’17

Review: Honeycomb Cereal (Now with Bigger Flavor!)

Not since Andre the Giant menacingly knocked on the Honeycomb Hideout’s window have I been so geeked to eat a bowl of Honeycomb cereal.

Sure, the stuff has had fun flavor iterations—Strawberry, Chocolate, Cinna-Graham—and it even briefly got “Twisted Marshmallows” 3 years back in a decades-late attempt to capitalize on the “X-Treme Snax” movement of the radical ’90s. But it has also progressively lost its flavor, as not one, but two ill-received formula changes in the early 2000s left Honeycomb a squishy and styrofoam-y compared to the golden-smacked Golden God it was before the turn of the century.

All that BIG HONEY TASTE Andre had roared about went to go live on a bee farm upstate, so to speak.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c4Vd6rv58gA

But this newly revamped Honeycomb boasts a “bigger flavor,” in a charming homage to those days when the cereal hung its hat on its humongous honey-ness. This change comes in the midst of a wider cereal flavor revolution, as Cocoa Puffs and Krave have added “50% more cocoa” and “more chocolate,” respectively. But while those two put an easy-to-measure qualifier on their taste changes, Honeycomb’s flavor is now simply “bigger,” which could either mean they added more honey or hired fatter bees.

Either way, I’m going to try them while I wait for my Giant sideburns to grow in. Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Uncategorized. Tags: 6 rating, honey, post. 349 Comments

May. ’17

Review: Lucky Charms Oatmeal (Canada)

This may not be canon, but I believe General Mills’ new Canada-only Lucky Charms Oatmeal is from an alternate timeline in the cereal universe.

In this truly darkest timeline, those cartoon kids who cheerfully steal Lucky the Leprechaun’s sugary breakfast aren’t motivated by hunger or anything rational. No, these serial cereal sociopaths take Lucky’s marshmallowy horseshoes and shooting stars just so they can melt them before his eyes in a bowl of bubbling, magmatic oats.

In this somber universe, Lucky Charms are “masochistically delicious!”

Somehow, those bullies’ mealy instruments of destruction crossed through an inter-dimensional portal and landed on Canadian grocery shelves. It’s the only logical explanation for the grotesque scenes of marshmallowy immolation you’re about to witness. Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: 6 rating, general mills, lucky charms, marshmallows, oatmeal. 3 Comments

Apr. ’17

Review: Quaker Banana & Maple Oatmeal

Ever had a Canadian Elvis?

It’s a traditional and totally not-made-up sandwich native to North North America that remixes Mr. Presley’s favorite peanut butter and banana sandwich by swapping George Washington Carver’s creamy (or chunky, choosy moms don’t discriminate) legume spread with the sticky sweet life blood of Canada’s flag-starring national tree.

Quaker must be a fan of the Canadian Elvis, because it’s the only logic I can see behind their new(ish) Banana & Maple Oatmeal flavor. Outside of banana pancakes (which are usually paired with compote instead of syrup anyway) and a certain tragic incident in my childhood involving a rogue monkey with a bottle of Mrs. Butterworth, I’ve never heard of banana and maple going together.

Chocolate and bananas? Delicious.
Ice cream and bananas? You couldn’t split us apart.
Peanut butter and bananas? I hunka hunka burnin’ love it.

But maple syrup and bananas is largely unexplored territory—a final frontier worthy of a new Star Trek series. Maple is one of my favorite all-time flavors—I want my funeral procession to end at an IHOP—so Quaker’s got a lot to prove by pairing it with a fruit that barely makes my top 10.

(Though “Maple & Strawberry” probably wouldn’t sound any more palatable) Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: 6 rating, maple, oatmeal, quaker. 8 Comments

Mar. ’17

Review: Bear Naked Chocolate Almond Clusters Cereal

According to the box, Bear Naked Cereal’s new Chocolate Almond Clusters are “APPROVED BY BEARS.”

Personally, I’d like to see the National Bear Advisory Board’s citations on this, because like many mammals, bears can’t eat chocolate! The stuff contains theobromine, a chemical that’s toxic to our furry friends. So why, then, would the entire bear population sign off—in all capital letters, no less—on a cereal that contains enough cocoa to have them growling “oh no” as they cartoonishly grip their stomachs like Yogi Bear after stealing a picnic basket full of potato salad that’s been in the sun too long?

Are they trying to fatten us up with a calorie-dense breakfast so we taste better later? Are the bears just bad at reading contractual fine print? Or is this all just a pointlessly long-winded introduction I wrote to hide the fact that I spent $4 on this cereal?

The answer to all three is yes. Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: 6 rating, bear naked, chocolate. Leave a comment

Jan. ’17

Review: Despicable Me Cereal with Minion Marshmallows

With my right hand raised, I, Dan G. of Cerealously, vow to complete this review of Kellogg’s new Despicable Me Cereal without voicing any of my personal opinions about Minions, the Minion phenomenon, or the fact that Minions somehow still overpopulate my Facebook feed with sassy memes in the year 2017.

There, now that the hard part’s over, I can evaluate this cereal objectively. At first glance—once you get past those moon-sized, staring eyes—Despicable Me Cereal appears to be the latest square-shaped, marshmallow-stuffed entry in Kellogg’s cinematic cereal franchise, an anthology that includes Finding Dory Cereal, Captain America Civil War Cereal, and several others with identical flavors but laughably different source materials.

But look, look closer with your special, telescopic Minion eyes, and you’ll see that Despicable Me Cereal is actually Brown Sugar Vanilla-flavored! I feel like we need to celebrate this trend-bucking mix-up of Kellogg’s repetitive movie cereal formula.

Anyone down for a Return of the Jedi-style party with Ewoks, bonfires, and the grinning blue ghosts of several force-sensitive mentors? Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: 6 rating, kelloggs, marshmallows, movie cereals. 3 Comments

Jan. ’17

Review: Cinnamon Pebbles Cereal from Post

For someone who has allegedly sworn to keep his neolithic neighbor from sampling his cereal, Fred sure is holding that bowl of overflowing Cinnamon Pebbles dangerously close to a spoon-wielding Barney.

Could Post’s newest Pebbles cereal be tasty enough to settle eons-old breakfast rivalries? Is Barney secretly wearing pterodactyl slippers to get a silent jump on Fred’s mammoth bowl? Or has the cascading cinnamon stick over these lovable neanderthals’ heads inspired them to set their differences aside, as they realize that their prehistoric climate is about to be disrupted not by a meteor, but by an astronomically large spice tube?

Such questions may never be answered, unless Post releases a mail-away Cinnamon Pebbles Compendium. But there’s one question I can help answer right now: are Cinnamon Pebbles yabba-dabba-delicious? Or should they be left to prehistory, with their long-discontinued cousin: Cinna-Crunch Pebbles? Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: 6 rating, cinnamon, pebbles, post. 19 Comments

Dec. ’16

Review: Very Berry Cheerios Cereal Flavored with Real Fruit

I hope you all had a legendary and merry December, because it’s time to carry that spirit into an extraordinary January full of Very Berry Cheerios!

If you can’t tell, I’m getting a head start on my New Year’s Resolution: “make more annoying rhymes.”

While Very Berry is far from the first fruity Cheerios variety to hit shelves, this cereal takes the shortcake when it comes to sheer quantity of berries. Flavored with strawberries, blueberries, raspberries, and cranberries, the only thing missing from Very Berry Cheerios is a bushel of Wonka’s snozzberries.

But I think the wallpaper industry still has exclusive rights to America’s annual snozzberry harvests, so I’ll forgive General Mills for stopping at four berries. This has been a fruitful year for them, after all: from Berry Bunnies and newly reformulated Trix to two varieties of Tiny Toast, ol’ GM has had its fair share of juicy 2016 scoops.

Will Very Berry Cheerios be a worthy closer for this year of naturally flavored, artificial color-free berry cereals? There’s only one way to find out, and spoiler alert: it involves stuffing my annoying rhyme-hole with purple oat rings. Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: 6 rating, blueberry, cheerios, general mills, strawberry. 17 Comments