If bizarre sci-fi television series from the ’90s have taught me anything, it’s that there are parallel versions of this world couched in other universes. Some have minor differences, like a perplexing land in which Thanksgiving is celebrated in October. In others, though, we might see some truly uncanny results of the Butterfly Effect. It seems Trader Joe’s mad scientist cousin (unlike Trader José, Dr. Trader Cornelius lacked the name chops for his family’s grocery biz) has been messing with enriched choclanium again, because my preferred cozy beverage has merged with another snackish reality, just like that time Captain America met Batman.

Trader Joe’s Organic Hot Cocoa Frosted Toaster Pastries arrived as something of a dark horse (see, it works as a reference to both comic books and chocolate… I’m a lonely man, OK?). Without much heralding, these sly slats of sweet science turned up on shelves recently, if a bit out-of-season given their clear holiday vibe. The packaging is plain in that TJ’s way, so we get no hints on the flavor there. Best to dive in and see what’s on the other end of this iced nexus.

Full disclosure: unlike Dan, I’m not a toaster pastry aficionado. I rarely ate them growing up, and was not terribly impressed when I did. The crust, the icing, it was all just needless barrier between my mouth and gelatinous filling. So please take my full meaning when I say that opening the foil wrapper was a pleasant surprise. These baked bricks truly have the aroma of hot cocoa. The only point of concern here is the weird icing issue. One of my pastries had a rather significant bald patch. Despite the alluring smell, an un-iced toaster pastry is cause for doubt.

While my personal style is to nibble down the edges before handling the main course, journalistic integrity demanded a solid bite.

Not too shabby, doc.

TJ’s OHCFTPs (I caught that last year; don’t forget your vaccinations, everybody!) do a fair job of delivering what they promise. There’s a definite cocoa taste infused throughout. Even as a confirmed anti-crustite, the dough portion has some very cookie-like appeal. The icing is somehow milkier than standard fair, with a vanilla-tinged body at once reminiscent of dairy and marshmallows without really bowing to either. The filling is lacking. I don’t mean “it needs some other quality.” There just isn’t much of it. It’s difficult to even suss out the full taste for lack of material.

So far, this seems like another middling science fair project for the back of the closet with the other baking soda volcanos. But as with any chemical reaction, heat may change things.

Holy Krampus, people! It’s Christmas in October and I’m never going back through that portal.

Toasting TJ’s OHCFTPs unlocks a momentous chemical reaction. Suddenly the aroma of old-fashioned hot cocoa inundates the air, the crust takes on an earthy, heavily cocoa-ed crumb, and the filling. Oh the filling. With increased viscosity also comes a major boost in flavor. The heated chocolate goo ends up somewhere between liquid Oreo concentrate and the inner secrets of a lava cake. The palpable cocoa essence of the crust pairs well with its milky icing to accurately simulate the food incarnation of Swiss Miss, complete with the dregs at the bottom via its molten core.

But what’s a winter holiday without chilly weather? Much like OHCFTPs’ dramatic zero-to-hero reversal, freezing has yet another unexpected result. Not only does cold mute the cocoa flavors, it turns these pastries into veritable bricks. My hypothesis is that responsibility lies with the high fat content (seriously, the nutrition panel is more shocking than Pikachu in a fleece sweater). So even fans of chilly treats may want to exercise caution with the doc’s latest creation.

So like any warp zone adventure, TJ’s OHCFTPs are a mixed bag of possibilities. If you’re a fan of cocoa (as opposed to chocolate) and breakfast pastries, they definitely warrant at least one go-round in your toaster. But be warned, fellow dimension hoppers: temperature may dictate if you meet with logical Spock or his cheap goatee-laden counterpart.

The Bowl: Trader Joe’s Organic Hot Cocoa Frosted Toaster Pastries

The Breakdown: A mild-mannered pastry with hot cocoa leanings transmogrifies into a major player when exposed to heat, in spite of questionable icing quality control. Just don’t freeze and eat if you value your jaw.

The Bottom Line: 8 fuzzy quantum electric mice out of 10.