Well look at you, Trader Joe’s: always getting all prim and proper with your flavors and names for things.
Instead of “cheddar,” we get “Trader Joe’s Oakwood Cold Smoked English Cheddar Cheese.” Where others would buy “ravioli,” we buy “Trader Giotto’s Arugula & Parmigiano Reggiano Ravioli.” If Trader Joe’s sold omelettes, I swear they’d call them “Fabergé Joe’s Country Cock-tail Collages.”
In the midst of this naming madness, we get TJ’s take on Pop-Tarts: “Organic Frosted Toaster Pastries.” Not content with just naming them extravagantly, Trader Joe’s also likes to extravagantify (shut up, spellcheck) their flavors from time to time.
That’s why I’m sitting here munching a Cherry Pomegranate Frosted Toaster Pastry. Sure, Kellogg’s may be happy to go hog-wild with Maple Bacon, but I can’t imagine them touching pomegranates with a 10-foot spoon. This flavor isn’t particularly new, but since I was impressed by the last TJ’s pastry I tried, I figured it was worth highlighting another.
There are three great holographic things in life: rare Pokémon cards, Capri-Sun pouches, and wrapped toaster pastries. I unwrap my Cherry Pomegranate presents with childlike glee. With their smattering of pink frosting and magenta sprinkles, each pastry looks like a crudely arranged elementary school Valentine’s Day arts & craft project.
Like any serious jigsaw puzzle, with toaster pastries I always start at the edges. A quick nibble leads to quick disappointment. The crust on these is a bit bland—there’s none of that golden, buttery puff pastry flakiness you’d find on a Pop-Tart, and there isn’t any rich grain or bran flavor to make up for it.
Thankfully, the filling makes up for it. When eaten straight out of the package, the vibrant stuff inside (an online paint hue guide places its color somewhere between “Royal Flush” and “Crushed Velvet”) has a classy, bold, and deep cherry flavor. It’s like cherry Kool-Aid all grown-up, as if the Kool-Aid Man realized he had to move out of his parents’ basement and pursue a career in architecture so he could build walls instead of crashing through them.
Not much pomegranate, though, so I hope a quick toaster sauna will make my pastries sweat out some more interesting fruit flavors.
And they do! Aside from browning the exterior (like a blowtorch to a kid’s art project), toasting my pastries makes the innards become a glistening goo. This new goo has the same sophisticated cherry taste as before, but it also has juicy, biting notes of pomegranate that are pleasantly puckering.
Strangely enough, the whole pastry experience reminds me of a raspberry jam PB&J without the PB. The problem, though, is still the “bread” of this toaster sandwich. Remember those Smucker’s PB&J’s without crust? Well the outside of this toaster pastry must be made from all those unused crusts, because it has the same mealy chewiness of the butt slice on a loaf of day-old wheat bread.
I love you, butt slice, but I don’t like you bear-hugging my Cherry Pomegranate jelly.
As always, I wonder, “what if I freeze these? Maybe a quick chill will make them taste better.” So after a blast of good old cold—okay, I’ll stop writing in rhyme (after just one more time)—I’ve made myself a pair of frozen carbonite pastries.
Frozen Cherry Pomegranate Toaster Pastries have a pleasant creaminess and an equally pleasant taste that tries its best to ignore the boring crust. There’s little pomegranate flavor again: imagine a cherry greek yogurt popsicle that has a faint wooden taste from its stick. I will say though, that only when frozen does the icing on these pastries get to shine: the previously light sweetness becomes a crackling layer of popping sugar sprinkles.
In the battle between filling and crust, I think the filling just barely wins this one out. These are good pastries—certainly better than average—but I hope Trader Joe’s tosses an extra dollop of butter into their crust recipe next time.
Or at least a dollop of peanut butter. PB&TJ’s, anyone?
The “Bowl:” Trader Joe’s Cherry Pomegranate Organic Frosted Toaster Pastries
The Breakdown: Fun and fruity, jelly-like filling is smothered by the butt crust that it lives inside. Eat them toasted or sandwiched with peanut butter/marshmallow fluff/another toaster pastry for best results.
The Bottom Line: 7 Cock-Tail Collages out of 10
(Quick Nutrition Facts: 200 calories, 1 gram of fiber, 20 grams of sugar, and 2 grams of protein per 1 pastry serving)