Aw jeez, gotta write quick: I feel like I’m reviewing on a timer here, like an Evangelion unit disconnected from its power supply. If I trail off mid-sentence, you’ll know that Sweet Dreams Cereal worked and I fell asle

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Just kidding, I’m still here and (debatably) lucid. Though my eyes are feeling heavy—but is that because Sweet Dreams, the first cereal designed to be eaten at night to promote restful sleep (with its natural melatonin production-supporting vitamins & minerals), actually works, or because it simply bores me to sleep? Well, turn on your device’s blue-light filter, slip into your finest Sleepytime Tea Bear nightgown/sleeping cap combo, and we’ll all find out together.

Sweet Dreams Honey Moonglow Cereal Review

From a compositional standpoint, Sweet Dreams cereals aren’t that complex—they’ve got flakes, almond slivers, and oat clusters—but they still manage to be quite a mouthful. This is primarily due to the sheer thick ‘n’ crunchy density of the flakes, which I’m more inclined to call “sedimentary shards” and will, in fact, address them as such from now on. Seriously, on my own personal tectonic scale of molar-mauling cereal flake hardness, these Sweet Dreams sedimentary shards fall somewhere close to the legendarily hearty (and tragically discontinued) Trader Joe’s Oatmeal Flakes, while their flavor is much closer to something out of Special K’s wheat-&-rice-y repertoire (note, though that Sweet Dreams is not a Kellogg’s product, but rather a Post one, even though their logo isn’t on the box).

By this I mean that the sedimentary shards aren’t particularly flavorful when you first taste them. There’s kind of just a not-to-sweet, blankly blasé golden graininess. That is, until you chew on them for a while (which you will, on account of the whole seismic crunch thing). At the point of mass mastication, accenting notes of honey emerge from these sedimentary shards like bugs crawling out from, well, sedimentary shards. The honey is very coy, though, and I would’ve liked to taste more of it. Honey Bunches, these ain’t.

Don’t count on the almonds to contribute much, either, since they’re about as rare as a dream that doesn’t existentially rattle you, either from sheer nightmare fuel or acute loss at its ephemeral absence come morning (not that I would know). It’s really just the oat clusters doing the heavy lifting for Sweet Dreams in terms of palpable flavor, and unfortunately these clusters are pretty rare, too. When they do pop up (and you’ll know, because they out-crunch even the sedimentary shards), they’re like little grenades of potent, almost creamy honey & herb sweetness. Comforting, nourishing grenades, that is.

However, these honey bursts are ultimately still short but sweet. It’s the nuanced notes of lavender and chamomile that really stick with you, and Post nailed the subtlety of these palate-pleasing accoutrements without making them overwhelming. Since I’m not much of a tea drinker, and since describing herbal tastes like these is way out of my traditionally saccharine adjectival wheelhouse, let’s just say the chamomile and lavender adds a charmingly unique floral touch you won’t find elsewhere in the cereal aisle.

I’d say milk works pretty well with Sweet Dreams Honey Moonglow cereal, too. Unless you planned on lulling yourself to sleep out of pure jaw exhausting, milk makes this stuff’s borderline cardiovascular workout of a crunch much milder, while also letting the clusters diffuse their ambrosial payload, turning the whole bowl into essentially, yes, a semisolid Sleepytime Tea. It’s enjoyable, even if it’s not particularly rich—and that’s probably a good thing if you’re trying to wind down, anyway. Any more honey in this and I’d be up all night honking like a…goose? A bee? A goose that got stung by a bee?

Sure, let’s go with that.

The Bottom Line: 7.5 metamorphic munchies out of 10

Sweet Dreams Blueberry Midnight Cereal Review

Hmm, I wanted to like the blueberry flavor of Sweet Dreams cereal way more than the honey, and for the most part, I do: the real blueberry flavor is way stronger than the honey was, largely in part due to the actual (and plentiful) dried blueberries you’ll likely encounter in every spoonful. These things ooze tart berry goodness, and it makes the whole mouthful taste more impactfully wholesome.

The problem is that these wrinkled little landmines are double-edged (to sleepily muddle my metaphors). See, they’re good, but their richness also amplifies the powdery herbal flavoring that finds itself inexorably enmeshed in each berry’s fruited furrows. That means that some berries taste way too strongly of lavender and chamomile, turning an otherwise relaxing bite into the perfume-y equivalent of a jumpscare 4 hours into an all-night white-noise video (again, not that I would know).

What this leads to is a comparatively inconsistent cereal experience, where some bites are mellow and mouthwatering, while others are manic and medicinal. The former bites may taste better than any of Honey Moonglow’s, but as someone who needs, well, all-night white noise videos to fall asleep, I think I ultimately prefer Honey’s reliably comforting simplicity.

The Bottom Line: 7 hours of aquatic “blue noise” out of 10

Overall, I admire Sweet Dreams cereal simply for trying something new. The herbal flavors are executed smartly and strategically, even if the prevailing flavor profile can be a bit bland. Again, though, this might be intentional, as an overly sweet nighttime cereal wouldn’t make much sense—granted, Sweet Dreams still has 16g of sugar per 59g serving, though I’m not one to have my sleep compromised by sugar at this point in my caffeine-addled cereal blogging career.

In the end, would I say Sweet Dreams is making me feel sleepy? Well, not really: I actually feel more awake than when I started this review, probably because I’ve been staring at my computer screen for an hour. Even without artificial light, though, I would say, unless you’re weak to psychosomatic suggestion, don’t count on Sweet Dreams counting your sheep for you. That said, pairing this with some actual chamomile tea or melatonin supplements and just chilling out to savor a nice bowl of cereal, without your phone or computer, might be enough to set your frantic waking mind at ease.

Maybe throw on a podcast, while you’re at it.