I admit it: I’m a fraud.
See, I often claim that this is a blog about “cereal, Pop-Tarts, and oatmeal,” but I haven’t written a word about oatmeal since mid-2018—let alone other hot cereals. Sorry, Cream of Wheat, but I just don’t think we’re going to work out.
There are a couple reasons for my oatmeal abstinence. Logistically, I both don’t hear about new oatmeals often, plus in the breakfast aisle it’s way harder to notice new oatmeal varieties, since brands like Quaker will use the same box design with small element swaps.
But more importantly, I simply can’t get as excited about new strains of oatmeal as I can about new cereals. Oatmeal just lacks the crunch, potency, and childlike goofiness that makes cereal so fun—and don’t even get me started on how hard it is to take an attractive picture of beige mush. Like a school photographer, I find myself grimacing through the steamed-up lens, thinking “Oh. Great. You’re looking, so…eager,” as my oatmeal slogs its way through the $100 picture package its parents paid for.
Aesthetic tepidity aside, oatmeal is back in a sleek and minimalistic way with these RX A.M. Oats cups. Armed with four cutely cupped flavors—Chocolate, Apple Cinnamon, Maple, and Vanilla Almond—I’m here to take some moist glamour shots and see if these high-protein, low-ingredient cups can stand oat-to-oat with the feeble Quaker guy and his flimsy packets.
Chocolate RX Oats Review
Wow, look at those supple curves!
Whenever I’m not sure which flavor to start with out of a variety pack, I go with the good ol’ brown standard. Sure, some of my favorite all-time flavors are a bit complicated—PB&J, blueberry-lemon—but straight-up chocolate is up there with the greats in my personal taste pantheon.
Unfortunately, Chocolate RX Oats leave a lot to be desired. There’s simply not enough chocolate to make every bite—or even most bites—seem true to the namesake flavor. Sure, the little ribbons of melted chocolate pocketed throughout are fine, but with almonds (which star in all four flavors reviewed today) taking up a large segment of this oatmeal’s overall palate, my sweet tooth is left vibrating like a cellphone with unanswered anticipation.
I get that low sugar and few ingredients are some of RX’s main selling points with these—and all my thoughts in this post must be understood through my sugary cereal-biased taste buds—but I think even the addition of cocoa powder could go a long way toward improving this Chocolate variety.
Of course, I can always just add some Crunchies and defeat RX’s whole purpose.
The Bottom Line: 4.5 molars placed on airplane mode out of 10
Maple RX Oats Review
Gorgeous. You sure you’re not wearing makeup?
From literal waffles to Waffle Crisp, maple is another flavor-ite of mine. And Maple RX Oats do an alright job of translating sweet syrupiness into a more down-to-earthy oatmeal. The interplay with almonds works a lot more symbiotically than it did in chocolate, and the end result is a cozy, if somewhat forgettable, morning cup to pair with your morning mug.
Again, though, it’s becoming clear that if you’ve cut your teeth on Quaker Oatmeal (not sure how that’d even be possible, despite the idiom), RX Oats likely won’t taste sweet enough for you. I could see myself acclimating to this after subsequent breakfasts, but mix-ins are also an option. For Maple, a dollop of real syrup and/or a pinch of brown sugar would elevate this from so-so-atmeal to whoa-tmeal.
Please forgive today’s egregious wordplay. My body is entirely oatmeal at the moment so I feel like a lumpy Pillsbury Doughboy.
The Bottom Line: 5.5 existential groans when you poke my stomach out of 10
Apple Cinnamon RX Oats Review
Ah-OO-Guh! Mushy mounds have never looked so good!
Apple cinnamon is practically the vanilla of oat flavors. The genre’s auburn-specked golden delicious standard is the first taste I imagine when I think oatmeal, so it’s good at least to see RX upholding this proud tradition.
Apple Cinnamon RX Oats is probably the closest this line comes to mimicking Quaker’s classic instant oatmeal. Sure, this is a deliberately less sweet interpretation, but I don’t find myself missing the concentrated applesaucy sugariness as much, since cinnamon still shines through well, plus the almonds again put in work to ground the overall palate like a nutty pie crust.
At the same time, RX isn’t reinventing the ‘meal, here, either. In the same vein as a McDonald’s Apple Pies, this stuff isn’t going to blow your mind, but it’ll still be a welcome cupholder companion. I mean, it’s about time someone unseated that half-empty La Croix can.
The Bottom Line: 6 anciently flavored grains out of 10
Vanilla Almond RX Oats Review
Not sure why this one looks so sandy—the ingredients don’t list chia seeds?
If apple cinnamon is oatmeal’s vanilla, then vanilla is cereal’s formaldehyde and mothballs. I have been simply ruined by dozens of boring, generically sugared vanilla cereals over the years that I was ready to write off RX’s Vanilla Almond Oats and its redundant seeming name (they all have almonds!).
And yet, poetically, this was my favorite of the four. There’s a lovable fairy tale in here somewhere about the conventionally pretty but shallow vanilla princess turned into her true, enchanting vanilla oatmeal form—but I’m not going to write it. Maybe vanilla just works better as a long-steeped infusion than as an ephemeral gloss on a cereal puff, but I like how RX Vanilla Almond Oats reminds me of sugar cookies and Nilla Wafers—much more so than most cereals attempting the same.
Granted, it’s not quite as intense as the notes it evokes, but Vanilla Almond Oats is good, all the same. As with all the other flavors I’ve reviewed here, I’d recommend making this oatmeal with milk, instead of water to give it deeper dimensions of sweetness. I won’t even tell the RX hotline if I see you using coffee creamer. I promise!
The Bottom Line: 7 Vanilla Weasel Cereals out of 10