*panting*

Sorry, I just need to catch my breath after typing out the name of this sort of new…what do I even call it? Yogurt cup? Granola yogurt? Cardboard receptacle for flavored powder and milk that features the grinning face of a friendly old man?

I’m just gonna call it grano-gurt for short.

But the fact of the matter is, the mass of words and ampersands in the name of this grano-gurt is a testament to just how ridiculously large the number of Quaker products out there is. With so many Quaker oat guy faces in the oatmeal/granola/hot cereal aisle, you’d think it was some weird oatmeal parody of Attack of the Clones. I mean, “Quinoa” sounds like the name of a Star Wars planet anyway.

In fact, the medley of words on this Real Medleys grano-gurt was so confusing, I didn’t even realize until I opened it that it wasn’t oatmeal at all. Regardless, granola is a close enough relative of cereal that I’ll give it a review anyway.

Anything to stop those dead, staring Quaker guy eyes from piercing into my soul.

Peeling open my grano-gurt urn container, I’m greeted by pea-sized chunks of granola, slightly larger dried strawberry giblets, and microscopic slivers of almond that are harder to find than Waldo in an American flag factory. All of it is absolutely coated in a blizzard of pink snow.

I took a heavy whiff of the dry contents, and wow, was it strong. The combo of concentrated, powdered yogurt and strawberry fruitiness was very reminiscent of strawberry Yogos (ahh, yes. Now I can scratch “make obscure snack food reference” off my to-do list!)

The instructions say to drown the whole merry lot of ’em (British accent not included) in a half cup of cold milk, stir, and then wait 2 minutes. And even though I hate letting the advice of cardboard granola tubs guide my life (you’re not my dad, Quaker!), I obliged.

What I was left with didn’t quite have the consistency of yogurt: it was closer to the semi-liquid viscosity of kefir or a half-melted strawberry milkshake. And it didn’t look pretty, either. I have all kinds of visceral metaphors queued up for what it looks like, but for the sake of our collective stomachs, I’ll keep them to myself.

Alright, maybe just one.

It looks like Kirby‘s bathroom sink the morning after a weekend bender.

But it’s what inside that counts, and after putting a spoonful of this tasty goop in my mouth, I have to say that this is the breakfast equivalent of the gawky, acne covered teen who somehow becomes the prom queen by the end of the movie. This stuff is good.

The potent strawberry “yogurt” is quite strong, sweet, and recognizably fruity. I could probably create something similar by blending a Go-Gurt tube with strawberry Nesquik.

Likewise, the earthy, crunchy granola benefits from the contrasting, moisturizing texture of the yogurt. Being saturated in strawberry ectoplasm gives the granola an additional chewiness. And since Chewy is one of Quaker’s favorite adjectives (screw sheep: I could count the number of Chewy bar flavors to fall asleep), I’m not surprised.

And as much as my prospecting spoon tried to unearth little salty nuggets of almond, their flavor was entirely drowned out in the raging, strawberry flavored rapids of this yogurt waterfall.

But while it was paralyzingly sweet and milkshake-esque at first spoonful, my container of grano-gurt became more than a bit bitter as time went on. The slight tang of yogurt mixed with the puckering bite that comes along with any dried fruit made for a more challenging, winey, and slightly less pleasant confection. But hey, even the prom queen has to fall from grace eventually.

I’m looking at you, Carrie. Maybe they should have covered her in strawberry yogurt instead of blood.

From sweet milk to savory granola and eventually bitter strawberry chunks, this unique product from Quaker really did a Tom Hanks dance all over the flavor keyboard of my tastebuds.

And while my opinion of it likewise cycled from “Wha?” to “Wow!” to “Meh.” and to other 3 letter exclamations, at the end of the container I have to applaud it for being entirely unlike anything I’ve eaten before. So if your Halloween stockpile of Franken Berry is starting to run dry, this milky treat might just quench your strawberry thirst.

Momma was right, Quaker. You really are like a box of chocolates. I never know what I’m gonna get.

Hey, two Tom Hanks movie references in one review. Cross another item off the to-do list!

The “Bowl:” Quaker Real Medleys Granola & Yogurt Blend Strawberry & Almond

The Breakdown: Just like how creamy peanut butter has a crunchy counterpart, this quirky and fun treat is like crunchy strawberry yogurt. This is going to make strawberry diehards berry happy.

The Bottom Line: 8 raging parties with Nintendo characters out of 10