Wait, does this mean my “PB&J Oatmeal” idea got rejected?

And my “Double Stuf Oreo Oatmeal” idea, too? Even my “Neapolitan Oatmeal,” “Thanksgiving Leftovers Oatmeal,” and intentionally redundant “Little Debbie Oatmeal Creme Pie Oatmeal” ideas? All thrown in the trash heap?

Okay fine, Quaker Oats guy, I’ll accept this criminal oversight, only because the flavor finalists in your user-submitted “Bring Your Best Bowl” contest sound pretty darn good. There were over 500,000 entries for the competition earlier this year, but only three tempting tastes remain: Vanilla Chai Oatmeal, Lemon Ricotta Pancake Oatmeal, and Apple Cheddar Rosemary Oatmeal.

To pick the winner, Quaker has slapped all three finalists into a single box. It’s up to us—the humble consumers—to try ’em and vote with our taste buds here: the winner will be “saved” on shelves. Since this is a game of oatmeal life or death, I figured I’d do my civic duty and eat three breakfasts in a day.

Quaker Vanilla Chai Oatmeal

On the surface, Vanilla Chai seemed like the most palatable flavor of the bunch—mostly because it’s the only one not forcing cheese into my breakfast bowl.

Like any artisan barista, I take great care to prepare my Vanilla Chai oatmeal, and 90 seconds of thorough microwaving later, I have a steamy bowl of herb-scented oatmeal before me. The spice-specked oats taste a lot like milky tea: the ingredients only list cinnamon, but I also sensed notes of ginger, cardamom, and cloves. This spice combo is invigorating in moderation, but I encountered a few brown spice clumps that rankled my tongue with their bitter, concentrated bite.

The vanilla taste is pleasant, but mild. It isn’t the processed vanilla glaze you’d encounter on a Nilla Wafer—it’s more like the creamy and woodsy vanilla flecks you’d find in a nice vanilla bean ice cream. I only wish there were more vanilla to offset the potent chai.

Vanilla Chai is definitely the safest “Bring Your Best Bowl” pick, but it’s also the most boring. Maybe I’m just too much of a coffee guy, but eating this alongside my morning cup of joe felt like trying to fit a leaf-shaped peg into a bean-shaped hole.

Hipsters and hermitic kung fu movie senseis take note, though: this one fits your aesthetic to a tea.

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The Bottom Line: 6 Nilla Wafer Oatmeal wishes out of 10

Quaker Lemon Ricotta Pancake Oatmeal

This flavor immediately caught my attention, mostly because my personal love for pancakes borders on Shakespearean—though who has time to recite sonnets when their mouth is full of hot, griddled batter?

And even though my preferred pancake dressings are butter, maple syrup, and nothing else, adding lemon and ricotta cheese still seems like an interesting way to make my hedonistic dough circles a little more classy.

This hypothesis is correct, too, because Quaker’s Lemon Ricotta Pancake Oatmeal is sophisticated, homey, and plain ol’ tasty, all at the same time. The lemon flavor isn’t overbearingly citrusy or chemically. Rather, it’s more like the syrupy sweet, sugar-dusted lemon you’d find in a lemon meringue pie.

The ricotta comes in on the backend, with a uniquely tangy and creamy aftertaste. I also sensed notes of tangier buttermilk, and this mixed with the earthy oats to make the whole thing taste like mushy homestyle pancakes. The overall starchy-cheesy-sweet combo feels like some sort of weird breakfast lasagna, and I mean “weird” in the best sense of the word.

Better yet: adding a dash of maple syrup turns Lemon Ricotta Pancake Oatmeal into “every dish from that cute small town breakfast diner down the road” blended into a single bowl—complete with the complimentary side of cottage cheese.

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The Bottom Line: 8.5 early morning pasta dishes out of 10

Quaker Apple Cheddar Rosemary Oatmeal

I was most worried about this one, and I’m probably not alone in my apprehension: sweet dried fruit, aromatic herbs, and sharp cheese? Is this supposed to be oatmeal or an appetizer at Cheesasaurus Rex’s bar mitzvah? But even though I steeled my face in anticipation of a grossed-out grimace, I actually quite liked this refreshingly savory flavor. As long as you don’t approach it expecting something sweet and fruity, Apple Cheddar Rosemary Oatmeal might just tickle your “fancy oatmeal” fancy, too.

This oatmeal is much more visually distinct than its “Bring Your Best Bowl” brethren. Generously grated forests of emerald rosemary sprout out of the oat-y soil, and there are camouflaged apple bits lurking about, too. The taste isn’t nearly as woody, floral, or cheesy as I worried, though there are definite notes of oaky spice and smoked dairy.

In less poetic terms, Apple Cheddar Rosemary’s flavor formula is one part oatmeal, one part Italian wedding soup, and one part Fettuccine Alfredo. This eclectic mix is completed by the subtle, cider-esque sour-sweetness of the apples—though the whole thing ends up tasting more like applewood smoke than actually apples. This is an oatmeal for Olive Garden fans and those who don’t like sugary breakfasts. I feel like I’m not cultured enough to fully appreciate Apple Cheddar Rosemary, but I might still use it to occasionally mix-up my daily Golden Graham binges.

Oh, and needless to say: maple syrup doesn’t work quite as well here.

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The Bottom Line: 7.5 mac & cheese-stuffed coming of age stories out of 10

 

I can see why Quaker chose these three oatmeal flavors as finalists. Each is unique in its own right, and each has a place at different times of the day. While Lemon Ricotta Pancake—the flavor I’ll be voting for to win—is the only oatmeal here I’d regularly eat for breakfast, I can see Vanilla Chai working as a relaxing fireside snack and Apple Cheddar Rosemary making for a memorable family dinner side dish.

Regardless of which you like best, we can all agree on one thing: it’s a good thing I wasn’t in charge of picking the next Quaker flavor, or else we’d all be choking down packets of Peanut Butter Cheeseburger Oatmeal, Zesty Marinara Spaghetti-Os Oatmeal, and Gummy Worm Dirt Pie Oatmeal.

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(Quick Nutrition Facts – Vanilla Chai Oatmeal – 150 calories, 3 grams of fiber, 11 grams of sugar, and 5 grams of protein)

(Quick Nutrition Facts – Lemon Ricotta Pancake Oatmeal – 150 calories, 3 grams of fiber, 11 grams of sugar, and 4 grams of protein)

(Quick Nutrition Facts – Apple Cheddar Rosemary Oatmeal – 150 calories, 3 grams of fiber, 11 grams of sugar, and 4 grams of protein)