“Gimme a fat stack of phat Breakfast Flats, STAT!”

Now that Quaker’s new-for-2016 Breakfast Flats—which come in Cranberry Almond, Banana Honey Nut, and Golden Raisin Cinnamon—are on shelves, you probably hear that phrase around all the time.

Or more likely, you’ve probably never heard it, since I just made it up. Plus, no one has used the word “phat” since the Taft administration. He was the raddest, coolest president, after all.

All William Howards aside, a fat stack of 3 plastic-wrapped Golden Raisin Cinnamon breakfast bars sits in front of me. Full disclosure: the main reason I’m reviewing these is because my loving grandmother gave them to me as a thoughtful gift, knowing how much I love Raisin Bran.

So this one’s for you, Grandma. Time to make you proud by photographing sticky glazed raisin rectangles.

Each Flat is reasonably sized, with the length of a Nature Valley granola bar, the width of a Rice Krispies Treat, and the thickness of an athletic graham cracker. This may seem thin and unsatisfying, but you do get three, so I won’t tell the cops if you decide to unceremoniously chomp through all three at once like Godzilla through a subway car.

The taste is an interesting blend of many ingredients. The raisins and cinnamon wreak tasty havoc together like a sweet-spicy Sharknado, creating a final taste that’s tangy, juicy, herbal, and slightly burning all at the same time.

If that seems unpleasant, fear not: these savory notes are kept in check by a thick judicial gloss of honey and sunflower oil. These sticky, sugary sheriffs bring sweet, sweet balance to the Breakfast Flats, and their ‘good cop’ flavor is backed up by darkly sweet ‘bad cop’ punches from their deputy ingredients: cranberry juice and molasses.

This may sound like sensory overload, but the final product comes out fairly unified. In fact, every hearty crunch of my Breakfat Flat pleasantly reminded me of a (slightly overcooked) slice of zucchini bread. The buttery oil, pops of raisin, brown sugar-infused flour, and ribbons of sweetness conjured up happy mental images of my grandma’s famous, homemade zucchini bread recipe.

Once again: shoutout to G-ma.

Now these Breakfast Flats aren’t perfect. Their texture and mouthfeel are the real sticking points—both literally and metaphorically—that keep Quaker’s raisin breakfast bars from getting a great score. These sticky sheets crumble messily like Nature Valley bars. But if shattered raisin mirrors wasn’t bad luck enough, every bite of a Breakfast Flat gums up your teeth worse than a Butterfinger stuffed with Mary Janes. Desert island survivors, take note: this is the perfect food for long-term rationing, as you’ll still be picking bits out of your molars when the coast guard finds you deliriously muttering to your volleyball best friend.

Quaker’s Golden Raisin Cinnamon Breakfast Flats certainly have a unique flavor, and I applaud them for giving me more reasons to eat zucchini bread for breakfast. But the texture certainly needs work; perhaps Quaker could make them soft ‘n’ fluffy Breakfast Buxoms instead (uh, buxom is an antonym for flat, right?).

Or, you know, they could just package and resell dehydrated slices of my grandma’s zucchini bread. That woman deserves to be immortalized in the breakfast aisle.

The “Bowl:” Quaker Breakfast Flats Golden Raisin Cinnamon Breakfast Bars

The Breakdown: These bars merge raisins, berries, and three kinds of sticky glazes into a veritable zucchini bread symphony, but their stickiness and molar muck left me a bit too uncomfortable to enjoy the music.

The Bottom Line: 7.5 crunchy Sharknados out of 10

(Quick Nutrition Facts: 170 calories, 3 grams of fiber, 12 grams of sugar, and 3 grams of protein per 3 bar serving)