You can’t just slap two things together and expect it to be delicious. As a midnight pantry plunderer since a young age, I’ve learned this the hard way. Because it’s a slippery slope. First there’s peanut butter and honey sandwiches, then there’s peanut butter and pickles.

Before long, you’ve branched out into condiments and there’s ketchup on your Cheetos and popcorn. Shame not the boy I was: admire the man it hardened me into.

The first of Pop-Tarts’ two* new** Splitz varieties is far less risky—sugar cookies and brownies are long-time alumni of Grandma’s Dessert Table University—but it doesn’t necessarily mean the two are better together.

I mean, one was voted Most Creative (because of the icing) and the other was voted Biggest Stoner.

Of course, the only way to test these two’s flavor chemistry is to hunker down on the couch with a box and hope my pants down split three pastries later. A paramedic with a sewing machine is on hand.

*The other is Strawberry Cheesecake.

*Not entirely new: P-T Splitz were born and killed a decade ago in more boring flavors.

Let’s split this Splitz up: first up is Sugar Cookie. Ditching the Printed Fun look we’ve come to recognize over previous holiday seasons, these Sugar Cookie Pop-Tarts look more like a crossover between Kellogg’s and Colgate—or at least Ore-Ida’s Funky Fries.

Fluoride-esque frosting aside, this half of my Splitz tastes exactly like its Mother Tart: like sweet, golden vanilla dough that’s been filled with extra buttery buttercream. It’s delicious and cozy like a real half-baked sugar cookie, but this winter flavor is also a bit jarring to eat while proverbially dousing myself in a vat of Gatorade during this early summer heat wave.

The brownie on the other hand, impresses with its subtle innovation. With a base chocolate flavor and a coating perfectly mirrors Chocolate Fudge Pop-Tarts’ flavor and then some, by being even fudgier, a bit more dark chocolatey, and somehow oily, too—like, you know, brownie batter.

But when sugar swirleds collide, the result is a bit of a mushy Pangaea of taste. Each flavor’s pronounced, signature flavors crash into and cancel out each other in a sense—the inverse property of too much of a good thing, or some food geometry concept. This leaves behind a pretty muddled, yet super sweet Pop-Tart that’s beyond a Renaissance Man. It’s the Enlightened Man of rich flavors, far too good for human brains.

In less cosmic terms, Pop-Tarts Sugar Cookie & Brownie Batter Splitz are similar when toasted (just much hotter). Sugar Cookie gets a little more golden browned and gooey, while Brownie Batter heads the other direction, with its complex decadent-ness diluted into the lump category of “Assorted Melted Chocolates,” and their joined forces being similarly…overcooked.

When frozen, Sugar Cookie Brownie Batter Splitz Pop-Tarts come closest to living up to their name, with the now near-ice creamy filling better lending itself to a satisfying swirl at the DMZ where their borders meet. Like a soft serve chocolate-vanilla swirl or, you know, the very-similar Chocolate Sugar Cookie Pop-Tarts, frozen Sugar–Batter Splitz takes some of the best notes of each side and lets them play nice.

But overall, I think I just won’t eat each side at the same time. When the halves are respectively classically and freshly delicious, if you buy these Pop-Tarts, you’re better off cleaving them down the middle to make a pair of Go-Tarts.

Or a dozen Mini-Crisps!

(These are the products you should be bringing back too, Kellogg’s!)

The “Bowl:” Kellogg’s Pop-Tarts Splitz Sugar Cookie & Brownie Batter

The Breakdown: On their own, sugar cookie and brownie batter are more than worthy of nostalgic full-Tart status, but in an inverse of the common phrase, divided they stand; united they fall into “overprocessed” territory.

The Bottom Line: 7 toaster pastry civil wars out of 10