Picture it: somewhere, just at the fringes of your imagination, in the middling space between reality and the dreamworld, lies a shimmering castle made from pastry crust. And it is in this prismatic palace—where the lucid may not set foot, lest they wish to be toasted into this kingdom’s very foundations—that a great and powerful sorcerer distills the divine will of some great cosmic breakfast entity into new Pop-Tart flavors.

I mean, sure, it sounds farfetched, but how else do you explain the sheer lunacy of all these new Pop-Tarts?

Pshh, like some buttoned-up bozos in a boardroom could dream up Banana Creme Pie Pop-Tarts. Don’t make me laugh. We all know the toaster pastries I’m about to try stem from just three of Frosted Lord Convectia’s many holy appendages.

Now, allow me to pay Him his due respects, by gorging myself on a bacchanal buffet of processed fruit rectangles.

New Peach Cobbler Pop-Tarts Review

Let’s start this Tarted trilogy with the one requiring the least explanation. Put simply, the name of Peach Cobbler Pop-Tarts alone is probably enough to tell you whether you’re going to like it, based on your own personal peachy preferences. Peach flavoring is very distinct, and these Pop-Tarts sure have an artificial orchard’s worth. If Peach Rings—which have this same flavor spliced into their very gummy genes—are your go-to road trip convenience store pickup, you’ll likely be keen on Peach Cobbler Pop-Tarts, too.

It’s a sharp and punchy peachiness that permeates the frosting, filling, and crust alike, to the point where I, personally, started tiring of it after a few bites. I was hoping for more of a caramelized golden-baked pie element, but anything of that sort gets buried beneath these Pop-Tarts’ single-minded fruitiness. Plain, toasted, or frozen, it’s hard to eke much more depth out of these Pop-Tarts—a trait that will make or break this release’s appeal, again, all depending on whether this is a fruit you’d like to move into the country to eat a lot of.

The Bottom Line: 5.5 hypothetical Coke Slurpee Pop-Tarts (my convenience store must-have) out of 10

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New Banana Creme Pie Pop-Tarts Review

If Peach Cobbler Pop-Tarts run the risk of being too specific to justify their distinct existence, then with Banana Creme Pie, the risk may as well be double. As far as I know, since Banana Creme Pie Pop-Tarts are a Walmart exclusive flavor, they’ll probably only be available in 16-count value packs. That’s quite the bulky bunch to leave over-ripening on your counter if it turns out you—like most people, I would wager—don’t have a Skull Islander’s stomach for so much sweet, creamy banana.

Despite this, I’m pleased to report that Banana Creme Pie Pop-Tarts have more depth than their cobble-some cousin. In fact, each bite of a BC Pop-Tart (not to be confused with unleavened B.C. Pop-Tarts) presents a charming gradient, spanning atomic yellow to freezer-bound brown banana flavors.

See, when you first take a bite out of a Banana Creme Pie Pop-Tart, the fore-taste yields all the distinctly candied artificial fruitiness of a Banana Laffy Taffy coated in whipped cream. But as you continue to chew and ponder the preposterous nature of a world allowing banana toaster pastries to exist, you’ll notice this fake ‘nanner flavor start to morph into the riper richness of banana bread. While I certainly prefer this latter taste to the former, this very masticatory metamorphosis is interesting enough to make me want to eat a whole pouch’s worth of Banana Creme Pie Pop-Tarts, and then some.

Changing your Tart’s temperature also adjusts this experience a bit, with toasted BC Pop-Tarts being more banana bread heavy and frozen BC Pop-Tarts leaning more toward a straight-up banana bonanza.

Much like H-E-B Mango Flakes, these pastries compensate for the one-note-ness of their namesake fruit with added nuance and intrigue. I still doubt I could eat a whole box of Banana Creme Pie Pop-Tarts by myself, but if you’ve got more than one banana fan in your household, it might be worth the a-peel-ing novelty.

The Bottom Line: 7.5 Vanilla Godzilla Pop-Tarts out of 10

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New Lemon Creme Pie Pop-Tarts Review

Rounding out this decidedly unrounded fruit basket is the one I have the most vested interest in, since I love lemon anything, be they bars, heads, ‘ades, or blueberry yogurt pound cakes. Plus, just look at Lemon Creme Pie Pop-Tarts—they look like beloved cartoon character “SpongeBob MolecularEntropyPants!”

Yet, because Peach Cobbler was as good as I predicted, and Banana Creme Pie was even better, Chewton’s Law of Conservation of Expectations states there has to be at least a little disappointment to balance out the trilogy. Lemon Creme Pie Pop-Tarts aren’t bad by any means, but they could be better. Unlike Peach and Banana, there’s a certain close Pop-Tart precedent that Lemon Creme pales in comparison to: Pink Lemonade Pop-Tarts.

To be fair, Lemon Creme and Pink Lemonade Pop-Tarts have nearly the exact same flavor profile, but Pink did it a bit more potently and with a faint touch of berry, too, to give the pastries more body. Lemon Creme, on the other hand, has a hollower sweet lemon base, and when eaten plain or frozen, it faces the same artificiality problem as Pink Lemonade. This is a sharp, astringent lemon that’s a touch more chemical than candy. As such, I wish there was more sweet creaminess, like we saw in Banana Creme Pie Pop-Tarts, to tame this Pine-Solvent lemon. Once more, just like with Pink Lemonade, toasting is your best bet for Lemon Creme Pie, as a thorough browning evokes some tasty, equalizing pie crustiness.

After being rebooted earlier this year, it seems Pink Lemonade Pop-Tarts have been recently discontinued again to make room for Lemon Creme. So it’s not like lemon Pop-Tart fans have a choice, but Lemon Creme Pie nevertheless falls a few branches short of the mark. Without any prior Pink Lemonade P-T experience, though, lemon lovers—especially lemon drop diehards—might still find these worth their while.

The Bottom Line: 6 Patrick Starfruit Pop-Tarts out of 10

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Overall, this is a Pop-Tarts trio with pretty clear-cut audiences in mind. Unless you’re a rind-carrying member of the peach, banana, and/or lemon fan clubs, it feels like a lot to emotionally invest in a whole box of such specific tastes. That said, those particular fruit fanatics will probably enjoy their Pop-Tart of choice because of the immersive flavoring—especially if they aren’t jaded old cereal-blog-running pink lemonade fans.