Oh Cap’n, my…wait a minute. Yarr, this isn’t Cap’n Crunch’s Crunchberries! This be Mom’s Best Cereals’ quasi-generic rendition of Crunchberries: Jungle Berry Crunch!

Shiver me timbers: how embarrassin’! This be just like the time I meant to fly a carrier pigeon to me scurvy mate with the message “ye bringin’ the grog on the ‘morrow, matey?” and accidentally flew it to me own ma, instead. I was grounded like a landlubber for fortnights.

Oh, aye, ye may be wonderin’ whyabouts I be blubberin’ like a pirate. Well let ol’ Danbeard spin ye a briny yarn about this here cereal of the sea. Jungle Berry Crunch may sound like it belongs in some scallywag’s Zimbabwean vacation, but it tastes like something a treacherous buccaneer like ol’ Jean LaFoote himself would find when marooned on a tropical island!

When I first nashed me noshers into a spoonful’a Jungle Berry Crunch’s golden chests ‘n’ rosy doubloons, I felt as if I had chomped into an actual undersea treasure chest from Davy Jones’ Locker. That is to say: this be the saltiest cereal to ever have decked in the port o’ me mouth. A wee bit o’ pantry plunderin’ revealed that Jungle Berry Crunch does have more sodium than yer run o’ the mill messhall cereal, but not quite enough t’ explain why me first reaction upon eatin’ it was, “Do me deadlights deceive me? This be tastin’ just like a McDonald’s French fry!”

Arr, but this saltiness ain’t nearly a bad thing. As I chewed onwards like a hibernatin’ Kraken, the bite o’ these salty seadogs mellowed into a sweet whimper. The taste o’ the chest nubbins themselves is nothing to send a message in a bottle back home about. Thar be a faint kiss o’ brown sugar-sweetened oat flour, but it be as fleeting as the crack o’ a blunderbuss.

The brooding pink oyster pearls gleamed much brighter on this pirate’s palette. With an initial volley o’ tropical fruitiness from these wee red cannonballs’ powdered and glazed coating, a mixed twist o’ authentic fruit explodes into a pleasant shrapnel barrage o’ freshly plucked strawberries. Bless ye, Jungle Berry Crunch: ye taught me that red crumbs ‘n’ shards ain’t always somethin’ to fear.

But like any curious lad or lass, I bet ye be barkin’ aloud: “Okay, weird cereal reviewer. I made it this far into your nearly incomprehensible ramblings. Can you just tell me how Jungle Berry Crunch compares to Cap’n Crunch’s Crunchberries? I’m standing in the breakfast aisle and didn’t come here for story time by Long John Silver.”

Yo-ho-ho! I be glad ye asked! If ye compare the piles o’ booty I pillaged above, ye can see that while Cap’n Crunch’s seafaring fare is colored more sharply than a cutlass, Jungle Berry Crunch takes the civilized, but duller route o’ a landlubber. Gone is the shinin’ Atlantic blue, gone is the howlin’ green o’ The Flying Dutchman: instead, this cereal uses real fruit juice ingredients to throw ye more shades of red than ye’d hear at the “Comedy Central Roast of Clifford the Big Red Dog.”

Whether sailin’ on a sea o’ milk or washed up high ‘n’ dry, Jungle Berry Crunch also tastes more subdued. Thar be little corn taste, no buttery golden coconut oil like ye’d pluck straight from the frond, ‘n’ no indescribable flavor whirlpool o’ puckerin’ artificial “froot.”

But in place o’ those classic taste bud treasures, Jungle Berry Crunch really amps up thee strawberry. Some sea shanties o’ legend say that privateers in foreign lands have access to Strawberrylicious Crunch, and I like to think a bite o’ that tastes a bit like this. Better yet, Jungle Berry Crunch doesn’t keelhaul the roof of yer mouth with barnacle-strength lacerations, and that alone is enough to thank the seven seas for.

Aye, perhaps I’m just mad that the name o’ Jungle Berry Crunch got me hopes up that it’d taste as good as me beloved Neopets Island Berry Crunch, but at the end o’ the voyage, this sugar-hoardin’ cereal captain is unlikely to ever pick Jungle Berry Crunch over Cap’n Crunch as his breakfast first mate.

Unless, of course, the whole crew breaks out with scurvy ‘n’ we’re all out o’ limes.

The Bowl: Mom’s Best Jungle Berry Crunch Cereal

The Breakdown: This salty ‘n’ strawberry-infused loot is berry refreshing, but it be merely an apprentice to the wise Cap’n Crunch, but at least it’s better than what the chef calls “grub” over on the poop deck.

The Bottom Line: 7 nearly broken apostrophe keys out o’ 10

(Quick Nutrition Facts: 120 calories, 190 milligrams of sodium, 0 grams of fiber, 14 grams of sugar, and 1 gram of protein per 3/4 cup serving)