Confession time: I am an absolute cookie dough warrior.

I don’t even like baked chocolate chip cookies that much (oatmeal raisin has my heart), because I’d much rather eat an entire bowl of raw, doughy goodness than watch it all go to waste in an oven.

If I’m killed by salmonella some day, then you’ll know I died happy.

That’s why it saddens me to see virtually zero chocolate chip cookie dough representation in the cereal aisle. Sure, we have Cookie Crisp, but until General Mills creates a “Dough Ball Crisp” spin-off flavor, I won’t be satisfied.

Thankfully, oatmeal has Doughboys like me covered. As part of MOM (aka Malt-O-Meal) Brands’ recent Dreamworks movie revitalization line, we have Cookie Dough-licious oatmeal. This Madagascar branded oatmeal is one of three Dreamworks flavors, alongside Shrek‘s Ogre Apple Cinnamon and How to Train Your Dragon‘s Dragonberry.

Shrek’s too big of a meme, Dragonberry doesn’t actually contain any dragonfruit, and Madagascar already impressed me with its s’mores cereal, so it was a no brainer that I should pick this oatmeal over the others.

Aside from the REAL chocolate chips (the all caps are from the package, not me), this looks and smells like regular oatmeal.

But after pouring in even the tiniest bit of boiling water, those REAL chocolate chips EXPLODE (okay, those caps are all me). What were once modest little morsels are now melty brown ribbons. Giving the oatmeal a quick stir spreads the cocoa tornado everywhere, and before long the entire bowl of oatmeal looks like something Augustus Gloop would happily swim in.

That’s exactly what it tastes and feels like, too: a river of pure milk chocolate. Something’s seriously wrong with the texture of this stuff. I get that the idea of oatmeal is for it to be mushy, but this stuffy was mega mushy, and I added less than the recommended amount of water. Most oatmeal has at least a little bit of a chew to it, but this stuff was disturbingly slimy, and it instantly melted into chocolate oat syrup in my mouth.

I wish the flavor could make up for it, but there’s little doughiness to be found behind the layers of sweet, creamy chocolate. The chocolate is pretty intense, too: imagine a melted Hershey’s bar mixed in with more Hershey’s syrup for good measure.

It’s not bad, but calling it “Cookie Dough-licious” is a bit misleading. “Death by Chocolate Oatmeal” would have been a more appropriate name, or I guess since it’s Madagascar: “Mauled by Chocolate Oatmeal.”

There’s a little bit of butteriness and brown sugariness in the aftertaste, but the chocolate and oat tag team are the stars of this breakfast blockbuster. I still wouldn’t call it a box office flop, but this “Cookie Dough-licious” oatmeal will really only please clinically diagnosed chocoholics.

If you’re looking for a real morning dough fix, I highly recommend Choco Chimp Cookie Dough Oatmeal from Mom’s Best (this is a totally different Mom than MOM Brands, by the way. I guess one mom just likes to YELL more than the other). Choco Chimp has a much more robust dough taste, complete with that authentic eggy richness. Seriously: this stuff was the only thing keeping me alive and sane after my wisdom tooth removal.

But as for Madagascar, the best thing I can say about this goop is that it made me think about how “Chocolate Slime” would be a good low-level video game enemy:

Chocolate Slime used Oatmeal Trebuchet for 15 points of damage! It’s super effective!

The Bowl: Madagascar Cookie Dough-licious Oatmeal

The Breakdown: With an uncomfortable texture and way too much cloying chocolate, this oatmeal leaves my inner cookie dough lover saying “D’oh!” over and over again.

The Bottom Line: 4 tragic chocolate safaris out of 10

(Quick Nutrition Facts: 140 calories, 2 grams of fiber, 9 grams of sugar, and 3 grams of protein per 1 oatmeal pouch)