Here’s something I never thought I’d say: Baby Shark the song is infinitely more interesting than Baby Shark Cereal.

I’ll admit, I have an ongoing aural embargo against the tune. My grubby brain is nematodally susceptible to earworms, so out of fear for my undisturbed dreamscapes, I’ve not only never listened to Baby Shark, but I’ve also never taken time to appreciate the sheer breadth and insanity of the infant man-eater’s history.

I might sound dumb for not knowing this, but apparently Baby Shark is originally a campfire chant dating back hundred of years, if not more, from a time where” YouTubers” were in the business of potatoes. The original version, however, is far more violent than the brine-washed version popular amongst children. Many versions involve a swimmer who not only loses an arm to a hungry sharkling, but a leg and sometimes a blood-gushing head, too. Other variants involve grueling and unsuccessful attempts at resuscitation, as well as philosophical inquiries on whether shark victims go to heaven, and what kind of god would continue to spawn such deceptively cute sea demons.

Then there are ongoing copyright claims surrounding the song, controversial political affiliations, and cruel attempts by law enforcement to use the track for repelling homeless people.

This is all to say that it’s kind of a shame how a bizarro slice of life like Baby Shark got such a soul-deadening cereal. If you read my Birthday Cake Froot Loops review, you know that not only did I voice a searing distaste for lazy sugar ring cereals, but I also spewed so much linguistic vitriol that it’d probably be bad for my blood pressure to do it again.

But does Baby Shark Cereal really deserve the same hate as Toucan Sam’s pathetic chemical droppings? And when I’m finished eating it, will it go to heaven? These are the questions I was, with great pains, born to answer.

As you can see, Kellogg’s really did the bare minimum when designing Baby Shark Cereal. It’s a mild palette swap of Birthday Cake Froot Loops—like a shiny Pokémon that’s hardly any different than the original.

Thankfully (in the sense that a mouse problem is ‘thankfully’ better than a rat infestation) the two don’t taste exactly the same. Are they extremely similar in their one-note sweetness? Yes. But where BC Froot Loops tastes like lab-synthesized strawberry perfume dunked in vanilla æther, Baby Shark Cereal takes the safer approach of generic faux fruitiness.

In flavor, it is a 1:1 clone of Caticorn Cereal with marshmallows, meaning it’s possible to mindlessly munch Baby Shark Cereal without triggering a gag or hairball reflex, but I can’t confidently say that you won’t leave the experience with less of your mind. The shamefully unshaped marbits add nothing to the dry experience of Baby Shark Cereal—except for the grim realization that I’m now nostalgic for a time when lame branded cereals at least gave us amorphous globs of colored ‘mallow that could be abstractly interpreted as Minions, lightsabers, or anything besides snowballs and styrofoam.

And Kellogg’s, don’t you dare comment on this post telling me they’re supposed to be undersea bubbles. Because these tedious loops are obnoxiously airy enough.

Yes, I spilled some. And yes, I reacted like Willy Wonka saying “Stop. Don’t. Come Back.”

I will say that, in milk, Baby Shark Cereal is just barely passable. Liquid reinforcement dilutes the overbearing sweetness of each ring, while balancing the pH of the acidic experimental “fruit” taste and giving the chalky marbits a more aptly squishy texture. Granted, I would still never voluntarily eat Baby Shark Cereal over a bowl of, oh I don’t know, Froot Loops, Apple Jacks, Trix, Fruity Pebbles, Oops! All Berries, Special K with Redberries, Fruity Cheerios, Franken Berry, expired Frute Brute, generic stock photo “Fruited Hoops,” actual dried strawberries, or diced up Chapstick.

But if Baby Shark Cereal is the only thing that’ll get your kids to stop singing the darn song for at least a breakfastian minute, you could do a lot worse. Well, at least two cereals worse.

The Bowl: Baby Shark Cereal

The Breakdown: It’s yet another oversized box of under-flavored, hyper-sweetened, scantly fruited and unnecessarily marshmallowed rings. Unless your only other breakfast option is a trough-full of fish guts, I recommend you seek more creative waters.

The Bottom Line: 3 tongue-worms out of 10