What happened here?
There’s a bowl in front of me. There’s a little bit of milk left in it, and it’s tinted a light beige, as if there had once been a cereal bathing in its milky goodness.
But…but I can’t remember eating any cereal recently. My palate feels clean and unflavored; no sugary aftertaste sits comfortably on my tongue.
What happened here?
If you’ve ever seen the movie Memento, I invite you to read that first bit of confused rambling in the smoky voice of Guy Pearce himself. And while that narrative may be a bit hyperbolic, it is quite reflective of my experience with Kashi’s “new” Sprouted Grains cereal.
And hey, while I’m on a Memento kick (a remake was just announced!), let’s just do this review backwards, too. I hope you can humor me long enough to follow along.
*Flashback*
Nope, no luck. As the bobbing, grainy boats slowly began to absorb the milky ocean I poured on them, their hearty crunch held steady for awhile. When I crunched into one, the flakes simply acted like flavor sponges for all the nutty, vanilla goodness of the almond milk. Despite the ingredients list’s inclusion of “organic dried cane syrup” and “organic brown rice syrup,” I tasted no golden, sticky sweetness. Just rapidly disintegrating milk mush.
How could these have 9 grams of sugar per serving? Could it be that every single gram of sugar in my box was greedily stolen by a malevolent Queen Flake at the bottom of the bag? I’ll probably never find out, as I have little interest in finishing this bowl, let alone the whole bag. If I wanted to eat flavorless chunks, then I’ve got a whole bunch of cardboard boxes that I’ve been meaning to recycle anyway.
*Flashback*
At home, I crack open the box, and what I see is a bit disappointing. The bag is extremely skinny and condensed: half is filled with dark tan flakes (many of which have shattered into sandy crumbs), and the other half is just air.
I take out a few of the intact flakes, and I have to admit that the shape of them is pretty neat. Some of them look like miniature Tostitos Scoops, so if any mad scientist ever invents a milk flavored chip dip for parties, I know what crunchy receptacle I’ll be piling it on.
But then I pop a few flakes into my mouth. Their crunch is impressive, I won’t lie: if you’ve ever wanted the sensation of eating glass without any of that whole “blood, pain, and sadness” thing, this probably presents a reasonable simulation.
And speaking of sadness: the flavor. Or should I say complete lack thereof. Seriously, the air-filled half of the bag might have been more flavorful. I ate piece after piece, and I concentrated harder than I would later that week on the exam I was procrastinating by reviewing cereal.
Still nothing. It was like a whole bunch of Rice Krispies decided to merge their collective life energies into one evolved, larger life form; outside of the faintest, faintest wheat undertones, I was left with texturally pleasant, but tastefully empty experience. I held out hope that milk would somehow help.
*Flashback*
Ahh, my favorite part of the grocery store: the cereal aisle! I wonder if there’s anything I haven’t tried yet that I could snag for the blog.
Whoa! A sale on Kashi, eh? Maybe I should finally spring (or should I say sprout! Haha, oh Dan, you clever devil) for this Sprouted Grains cereal that I’ve seen sprouting up in stores recently (okay, now stop it, Dan. You’re out of control). The box says they contain Amaranth. And while I have no idea what Amaranth is, after a quick Google search, I can confirm that it is not the name of the giant spider from Harry Potter like I originally thought.
They kinda look like a mix between Trader Joe’s Oatmeal Flakes and the flakes in Raisin Bran Crunch. Sure, I’ll go for it! What could go wrong, right?
*Flashforward to present*
So there you have it: Kashi Sprouted Grains isn’t bad. It just…isn’t.
Does that even make sense? I don’t know. But what I do know is that a little cinnamon or molasses would have gone a long way here. Heck, even “Sauerkrauted Grains” would have at least been a more interesting cereal.
I still don’t know exactly what “Sprouted Grains” are, but as far as I’m concerned, these ones should have been left in the ground to grow a little longer.
The Bowl: Kashi Sprouted Grains
The Breakdown: Strong crunch and fun shapes can’t make up for a complete and utter lack of flavor. If you’re gonna eat these, at least smother them in maple syrup or something.
The Bottom Line: 3 dreams where I’m eating cereal with Guy Pearce out of 10
kraut joke