Imagine this “Choose Your Own Adventure:”

Your eyes jolt open. You feel more rested than usual, and as you look at the clock and experience a mild heart attack, you realize why—you slept through your alarm!

After dancing your way through a frantic shower (no one’ll notice the shampoo still dripping from your ears, right?) and flailing into dress clothes, you’re about ready to leave before you conclude that if you don’t grab some breakfast, your growling stomach might roar you off the side of the road.

Bursting into your pantry, you have three choices:

A) A bowl of Raisin Bran with milk (eaten with one hand on the steering wheel)

B) A slab of bacon (cooked on a portable skillet plugged into your cigarette lighter)

C) A Kashi GoLean Peanut Hemp Crunch Plant-Powered Bar

If you chose A or B, prepare for a tragic “THE END” to your milk-soaked adventure. But if you chose C like me, turn to the next page and we’ll see if our breakfast choice was any more satisfying than a roadside bacon grease third degree burn.

With a name like “Peanut Hemp Crunch,” this bar sounds like a Ben & Jerry’s flavor without the silly pun. Maybe throw some dazed and confused Three Stooges on the packaging and call it “Peanut Shemp Crunch.”

The bar is about the length of a Game Boy Micro (1,000 points to Gryffindor if you remember those without clicking), and it’s speckled with enough nutty bits and crumbles to make it resemble my grandma’s famous 7 Layer Bars. But since I don’t think my grandma is in cahoots with Kashi, I’m guessing it won’t taste the same.

And as I bite in, I quickly discover that I’m right. First off: this bar is squishy. With fun crackling peanut pieces and hemp seeds throughout, the sticky bar is like a big rectangular wad of crunchy peanut butter that got thrown in the oven at 350 degrees for only about 5 minutes.

That’s what it tastes like, too. The bar has the same tasty combo of savory roasted nuts and sweet butteriness as every elementary school peanut butter sandwich you ever ate. Definitely pleasant…

…at first. That’s right: it isn’t all peanut chunks and rainbows. About halfway through every bite, the crispy hemp seeds rear their skeevy little heads. Hemp seeds must be the breakfast equivalent of kale, because no matter how many good things I hear about them, I just don’t get the hype.

The spicy seeds quickly overwhelm the peanut buttery goodness with an oily bitterness. It reminded me a lot of those unfortunate bites of rye bread where an acrid fennel seed explodes in your mouth. And unlike Maple Buckwheat Hemp cereal, which faced a similar aftertaste problem, this cereal bar can’t be conveniently doused in milk to weaken the hemp flavor.

Since I enjoyed exactly half of this Peanut Hemp Crunch bar, I can’t give it more than a half score. Unless you’re the kind of person who likes kale or fennel seeds (and I acknowledge that those people do exist, however mythically rare they may be), be sure to have a glass of 2% ready if you try this bar.

In an on-the-go breakfast adventure, you could do better, but you could also do a whole lot worse. After all, a little bit of hemp flavor certainly beats getting Raisin Bran stuck in your transmission.

The “Bowl:” Kashi GoLean Peanut Hemp Crunch Plant-Powered Bar

The Breakdown: A deliciously chewy peanut butter beginning is tarnished by bitter hemp conclusions—kinda like a Shakespearean breakfast bar tragedy.

The Bottom Line: 5 incredibly obscure handheld video game consoles out of 10

(Quick Nutrition Facts: 200 calories per bar, with 8 grams of sugar and 8 grams of protein. This is a gluten free product.)