// Partial Transcript of Oral Research Report 526-23, Regarding Specimen [REDACTED], Recovered from the Desk of Arctic Cereal Researcher Dan. G. — Current Whereabouts Unknown //

I know not what I’ve stumbled upon—only that it is insidious. Unnatural. Decidedly not of this earth.

Discovered in a remote crater, the particulate creature calls itself “ICEE Cereal,” and it appears to be a crude extraterrestrial attempt to mimic one of mankind’s favorite frozen beverages, though it has chosen a far less familiar form. Rather than a liquid, it’s composed of solid spheres. While it seems like the organism tried to make these small round bits solely red and blue, there exist also countless hybrid offspring in manifold hues of purple.

The thing’s ostensibly cardboard shell claims that the spheres are flavored like “Cherry & Blue Raspberry.” Every fiber of my survival instinct tells me it would be unwise to consume such a suspicious “foodstuff.” And yet, as soon as my eyes fell upon the rapturously radical (and dare I say, totally tubular), shade & sweatered anthropomorphic Polar Bear on this ICEE Cereal, I was powerless to resist its allure. Perhaps this is some new form of visual memetic virus? If so, I can only pray this ICEE Cereal kills me before such a maliciously compelling mascot can be allowed to reach civilization.

So to my ancestors and descendants alike I say: please, forgive me for what I am about to crunch and/or munch.

First impressions were dire. Upon making the slightest dissecting incision in the membrane housing this ICEE Cereal, a sinister pillar of scent shot up and out, overwhelming my senses with a nose-needlingly pointed aroma of artificial cherry and knocking me onto my rear end. Since I figure my nervous system has already been compromised, I have no choice but to press on for a taste test.

My word! Such bombastically bold flavor! Not since my ill-fated run-in with the infamous SPK-1419 (the city block-leveling failed containment of which left countless casualties) have I encountered such mouth-puckering intensity in something calling itself a cereal. See, this is the first slip-up in this martian’s mimicry: not even humanity’s most cunningly lab-synthesized Froot Loops are this flavorful. I simply cannot imagine your average domesticated American eating nearly two pounds of this stuff without keeling over or turning purple themself.

Which is a shame, because in small doses, I could see the interstellar appeal of this flavor if it were presented and enjoyed in moderation. Simply put, whatever otherworldly thaumaturgy is going on here is unlike anything I’ve tasted in a sugar-of-the-earth cereal before. Such robust artificial cherry is typically reserved for something like a Kool-Aid or Laffy Taffy—it even renders its nearest terrestrial relative, Frute Brute, toothless in comparison.

In fact, this cherry flavor is so strong that I fail to detect anything resembling blue raspberry at all. Perhaps one is designed to be the dominant gene, while the other is recessi—zounds! What is this phenomenon aggregating in my trachea? I’m three spoonfuls deep and a chilling sliminess has begun to coat my throat. I fear an impending loss of bodily function, if not my humanity outright.

Wait, wait: I see now. This ICEE Cereal claims to “cool your mouth as you eat”…and this…this is meant to be a pleasing, appetizing phenomenon? I fail to see, feel, nor breathe in the appeal. It’s as if I swallowed some residual numbing chemical anesthetic from a dental procedure. Sure, it’s bestowing upon my esophagus a cooling patina, but in reality this is merely dampening the notes of cherry flavor that I was actually enjoying. It’s as if the organism’s inner ambitions are at war—perhaps an enemy spliced in its own self-corrupting code, or perhaps this specimen was cross-bred with some sort of mentholated vaporizer marketed to children. Either way, I can confidently say this ICEE Cereal would be much better off without any sort of mouth-cooling technology.

In an attempt to subdue the creature, as well as to thaw my epiglottis, I added some milk to the ICEE Cereal. I will attest that this was a wise choice, as the fluid bovine derivative tempers the malignant cooling property, while also reducing the overall sweetness profile to digestible levels. However, it appears that mouth-chilling substance still has to go somewhere, and as I finished my bowl of ICEE Cereal I was left with a hostile hybrid milk more akin to cherry antifreeze. Avoid at all costs.

I fear I don’t have much time—I can hear my stomach wailing. I can feel myself…shifting. Ivory fur is sprouting from my body in tufts. A crimson jumper is growing over my lab coat, and my retinas are hardening into UV shields. To all those who receive this message: if you see me again, perhaps riding a shard of ice towards you like it’s a snowboard—as I now feel a gnawing primal urge to do—I beg of you: eliminate me at once, and stay far, far away from anything that calls itself an ICEE Cereal. Whatever cherry-flavored good this substance may have been able to do for our kind has been irretrievably tainted by its absurd volume and egregious mouth coolants. Perhaps if this were, say, a mint chocolate chip ice cream cereal, it could have worked. But alas…

Beware, breakfast fans of Planet Earth. The cereal industry is changing, and if we aren’t careful…so will we.

// END TRANSCRIPT //

The Bowl: ICEE Cereal

The Breakdown: Despite its unique (and exactly like a real ICEE) cherry flavor, the chemical-tasting “mouth cooling” effect is just unpleasant. It’s all fine & dandy enough for a bowl or two, but not a jumbo Sam’s Club-sized cinder-blocked box of the stuff.

The Bottom Line: 4 John Carpenter-themed cereals out of 10