Tired of Count Chocula stealing the spotlight with his toothy grin, Franken Berry shoves the cloaked, cocoa narcissist aside. 

“That’s the last straw,” he bellows. “It’s time for strawberries to run this show!”

I hope you’re getting berry excited for Halloween, because now that the wonderful month of October is finally in full swing (speaking of which: just look at all the glorious fake skeletons swinging in the breeze!), it’s time to crack open another box of General Mills’ monster cereals, which are back with a bloodthirsty milkthirsty vengeance for the 2015 season.

A scientist’s attempt to create a man-strawberry hybrid gone horribly wrong: it’s Franken Berry (and no, that lore is, unfortunately, not canon)! Like his monster brethren, Frank’s cereal combines colorful corn ghost pieces with spooky, sugary marshmallows. And hey, it doesn’t even turn your poop pink anymore!

I open the bag, and the neon onslaught (neonslaught? Dibs on that for a band name!) of pink-red, blue, and purple make it look like an abstract poster for the movie Drive with Ryan Gosling.

Being the clearly scientific taste tester I am (said the guy with a cereal blog), I munch first on a corn ghost, then on a marshmallow, then on both together. The aerated ghosts are good at masking their corny undertones with a bright fruity favor that comes off as almost floral at times.

Could I recognize it in a blind taste test as strawberry? Maybe. It’s not quite as “loud” and artificial as, say, a strawberry Starburst, a strawberry Pop-Tart, or even Franken Berry’s own Fruit Roll-Ups. But it sure as heck doesn’t taste like a real strawberry, either. Instead, the pieces’ taste falls somewhere in the middle: not too fake to drive a cartoon rabbit crazy, but not so real that you’ll want to write a Beatles parody called “Franken Berry Fields Forever.”

As for the marshmallows, these certainly aren’t just recolored Lucky Charms ‘mallows. No, they also have a sweet, blended-in strawberry flavor alongside their traditional vanilla base. The combo is creamy and brings to mind a good strawberry milkshake or strawberry yogurt. After the whole pink poop thing, I could see Franken Berry becoming a spokesmonster for Activia.

Together, the fruit flavors of the two pieces form an amalgamated hodge-podge of fruity flavors. Whether intentional or not on General Mills’ part, it’s actually like they cobbled together a piecemeal Frankenstein’s Cereal out of several different strawberry tastes.

Thinking about this, I decided to create a monstrous trifecta of strawberry by dousing my bowl of Franken Berry with strawberry milk.

The result? Holy berry explosion! The syrupy sweet milk (that looks decidedly like Pepto-Bismol) tastes like melted pink Starburst in itself, so combined with the cereal it makes for a strawberry experience that caters to the tastes of every strawberrivore.

I’m convinced that this is how Franken Berry intended for his cereal to be eaten. Eating this has healed me on a spiritual level, even though it may have shaved a couple months off my life. Now I’m just waiting for someone to take it one step further and pour strawberry syrup on top (if you do, send pictures!)

But while I enjoy Franken Berry, I just wish the textures weren’t so…ghastly: the contrast of chewy corn pieces (that get uncomfortably pliable when soggy) and chalky marshmallows (that turn gelatinous in milk) makes me wish the cereal did take a page from Lucky Charms’ book with sturdier, crunchier oat pieces. I’m rarely the one to turn down food because of textural reasons, but at the same time, I’d prefer if my cereal didn’t feel like munching on moist packaging peanuts.

Remember those old Halloween games where you’d close your eyes and touch cold spaghetti that some mischievous party host assured you was bloody brains? Maybe I’ll just do the same and pretend my Franken Berry is a bowl of fruity intestines.

Now that’s what I call a party.

So all in all, while I prefer the Count’s chocolate symphony, Frank’s cereal makes for a reliable substitute for those who are more fruitily inclined. Just don’t expect a very focused or distinctive strawberry flavor. It’s more like a corny smoothie.

And now, let me close this article by paying respects to all the strawberry puns I didn’t get the chance to use:

straw-ful

straw-esome

berry/bury

Berry Manilow

And my personal favorite:

WWE Monday Night Straw

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The Bowl: Franken Berry Cereal

The Breakdown: The flavor profile covers many different kinds of pleasant strawberry sensations: from the flowery to the sweet. I just wish it didn’t have the consistency of wet burlap.

The Bottom Line: 7 strawberry Ryan Goslings out of 10