Another day, another free granola sample from Attune Foods that I’ll happily review because it means I didn’t have to pay for my own breakfast. But as usual, receiving my morning meal via USPS doesn’t mean that I’ll be pulling any punches or crunches when taste testing.

I accept all free samples, but I give no free rides.

Today’s spotlighted spoonful is Simply Vanilla Granola. With its abbreviated ingredient list, highlighted organic and gluten-free promises, and stout packaging design, this granola really wants to appear simple. It’s a lot like me: I spend a lot of time convincing people I’m a man of simple pleasures, when in reality I have a .txt file of “cool cereal adjectives” saved to my desktop.

Let’s see if Simply Vanilla Granola earns any of those effervescently grandiose adjectives.

The mailman must have channeled his inner Rocky before delivering my Simply Vanilla Granola box, because the powdery granola crumbs in the bag have been punched into dust. If all else fails, at least I can use this granola as a Pocket Sand substitute.

I’m guessing the granola wasn’t meant to be this crumbly, because two mammoth granola chunks remain amongst my bag’s molecular oat chaos. I like to imagine that these two chunks fought the other granola chunks to the death, gladiator-style, and now they remain to duel each other atop the ashes of their many vanquished foes.

Jeez, for a simple granola, this vanilla stuff sure is generating some vivid dreamscapes.

But all ancient Roman rumbles aside, Erewhon’s Simply Vanilla Granola really does taste simple. And an awful lot like vanilla. The overall flavor is a lot like a vanilla graham cracker, with a sweet, ribboned vanilla extract glaze that lovingly coats the golden, toasted brown sugar heart of every cluster and crumb. Like a graham cracker, there are also notes of warm sunflower honey and a subtle aftertaste that smacks of vegetable oil.

If you need a better flavor reference point, allow me to throw another of my reviews at you with the shamelessness of Pocket Sand: Simply Vanilla Granola tastes a lot like these, just hit with a hammer a few times.

Simply Vanilla Granola’s mouthfeel matches a ground-up graham cracker, too, because there’s more than just oat clusters here. Scattered amongst the loose oats are rogue brown rice crisps, and they provide a lighter chewiness, as well as a slightly nutty, roasted smokiness. At least I can only assume that the rice is providing this unexpected nuttiness—the box says this granola contains no peanuts, but it still tastes like a certain monocled Planters mascot sneezed all over it.

Because of Simply Vanilla Granola’s textural lightness and small cluster size, adding milk turns the whole thing into a mushy paste. It’s like slightly undercooked vanilla oatmeal which, while pleasant, lacks memorability. If you’re looking for a simple granola to mix into milk or yogurt, Simply Vanilla is a good choice. But for flavor adventurers? Well, there’s a reason the dictionary defines “vanilla” as “conventional, usual, bland,” and even “white bready.”

That last adjective is totally working its way into my .txt file. And probably the title of my autobiography, too.

If you don’t want to buy a more potent granola and instead want to make the most of your Simply Vanilla Granola, I recommend adding a chocolate element. Chocolate + milk + squishy oats = a bowl of Ice Cream Sandwich Cereal. But don’t stop there: all it needs is some Lucky Charms marshmallows to complete the s’mores trifecta. Or you could toss in strawberries for a new age neo-neapolitan breakfast.

Or, you know, you could just toss it in the eyes of your enemies for a quick getaway.

The Bowl: Erewhon Simply Vanilla Granola

The Breakdown: True to its name, Simply Vanilla Granola is vanilla in every definition of the word. Despite its cozy, homely graham cracker goodness, this too-crumbly granola requires a lot of customization to compete with all the other crazy clusters crowding the breakfast aisle.

The Bottom Line: 6.5 Colosseum-shaped cereal bowls out of 10

(Quick Nutrition Facts: 240 calories, 4 grams of fiber, 12 grams of sugar, and 5 grams of protein per 3/4 cup serving)