You know those quasi-popular memes that contrast one’s grieving friends & family with the reality that one is in the underworld as Doomguy, looking for vengeance? Yeah, that’s gonna be me in the bowels of H-E-Double-Hockey-Sticks, aiming to double-damn the infernal blight of the Elf on the Shelf. Of course, I’d never find him, since that well-hidden Elf resides either high in Satan’s castle or in some abstract negative space unreachable by human souls.
All that to say, I don’t like Elf on the Shelf. I don’t like his silent menace, his plasticine face, or his chaotic-neutral mischief. But since Elf on the Shelf Vanilla Candy Cane Cookie Crunch is one of only two new Holiday cereals this season, I’m obligated to give this wintertide rascal his due bloggerly diligence.
Because if I don’t, he’ll probably curse me into endlessly wandering his snowy pocket dimension’s gingerbread labyrinth.
Ugh.
Double ugh.
Actually, with a name like Candy Cane Cookie Crunch, I’m giving this one a quadruple ugh. Usually I try not to be universally dismissive of a cereal, as most tend to have some sort of silver lining, but this Elf on the Shelf cereal is one of the worst I’ve tried in recent memory. Why is it bad? Hmm, where should I start…
How about we break down the name piece by piece. First, the vanilla. It’s a very putrid, synthetic, and slightly chemically vanilla that assails you from your very first whiff. I may have a personal vendetta against lazy vanilla cereals, but EotS VCCCC offends beyond mere sugary blandness. I can’t really describe the over-processed under-notes of this stuff accurately, other than that it certainly doesn’t belong in a cereal bowl.
If this wasn’t underwhelming enough, the “Candy Cane” part of this cereal is equally disappointing. The red & white marshmallow shards are the only part of this cereal that actually has mint flavor. It’s an alright, passable peppermint taste, but the marbits are so small and so rare that you’ll hardly even taste them beneath a mountain of mealy vanill-ish stars. I don’t know about you, but I’m rarely in the mood for a needle & haystack-esque game of “find the single piece of 5 gum in an Olympic swimming pool of pulsing ball bearings.”
Oh, and the “Cookie” part of this cereal’s name? Don’t make me laugh. Wait, please do, because the lack of anything resembling cookie or doughy taste here is seasoning my seasonal depression with enough salt to melt all the snow in Michigan’s Upper Peninsula.
Can milk redeem this cereal? Normal milk, no. Prairie Farms minty green milk? Maybe, but the Elf on the Shelf doesn’t deserve to be humored for his lackluster laziness. Adding milk just turns this poorly balanced, negatively flavored mess into the kind of slurry that would make parking lot slush look appetizing.
If for some reason, personal or blood oath, you simply must buy an Elf on the Shelf cereal, go with the Sugar Cookie one. It isn’t great, but it’s at least palatable. I rarely make such blanket judgements, but trust me: when it comes to Vanilla Candy Cane Cookie Crunch, just leave it on the shelf.
As for you, Elf on the Shelf? If you’re listening, I’ll see you in you-know-where.
The Bowl: Elf on the Shelf Vanilla Candy Cane Cookie Crunch Cereal
The Breakdown: It takes a lot for me to call a cereal hot garbage, but every single part of this cereal’s name—besides “Crunch,” I guess, is a lie. Tasteless, ‘mallow-less, and largely mint-less, this stuff will leave you feeling listless.
The Bottom Line: 1 cereal sacrificed to Krampus out of 10
for me, took me 1 week to finish the box. very worth the calories spent. i liked it but the sugar count was way 2 high. id prefer a bowl of fruit shaped trix or count chocula to elf.
The sugar cookie Elf on the Shelf cereal isn’t much better. Generic vanilla flavor, similarly scarce marbits—and the marbits are *tiny*! From reading this review, I think the two cereals are the same with the only difference being the slightly peppermint-flavored marbits in this one.
I admit I got suckered. I usually steer clear of the vanilla/cupcake/sugar cookie flavored cereals and the half-assed cross-branded cereals, but I was feeling the optimistic Christmas spirit and gave Elf on the Shelf the benefit of the doubt. Oh well. Hopefully the Elf maple cereal will be better…Will Ferrell wouldn’t let me down!