The world of bootleg sandwich cookies is well documented, even here on this blog, as I mocked Creme Betweens for being the kind of Oreo wannabe whose name you couldn’t even say aloud in middle school without getting a crowd of giggles and a detention.

But just as expansive is the world of cookies ‘n’ cream-flavored snacks that never secured the Oreo license, so they must instead annoy me not one but twofold as I return to the pantry to check whether the box spells it Cookies and/&/’n’/’n Cream/Creme/Crème.

Just as annoying is how rarely these Oreish snacks get the flavor right. With the exception of Pop-Tarts, most miss the mark on replicating Nabisco’s (literally) well-oiled sandwich cookie machine.

I first had high hopes for General Mills and Dippin’ Dots’ cerealized attempt at the flavor, but after the strangely balanced misstep of Banana Split Dippin’ Dots Cereal, I’m ready to enter this review with a dose of apprehension deeper than my Oreo milk glass.

It’s dunk or die, folks.

First off, I think we can now confidently conclude what happened to General Mills’ 2016 Cookies ‘N Creme cereal, whose sudden departure only left behind a presence in the most appropriately obsolete of places.

No, Cookies ‘N Creme cereal wasn’t discontinued: it was put into the cereal witness protection program—because of all the people who had to witness its horrible capitalized, single-apostrophe’d ‘N—stripped of their spots, and relabeled as Cookies ‘n Dippin’ Dots cereal.

Because these puffs (which comprise 98% of the cereal), in taste and texture, mimic the ghostly vanilla-chocolate flavor of their predecessor. I say “ghostly” because it’s like a good flavor was once there, but now leaves behind a powerful aura: in this case, the puffs have the “milk chocolate on a bed of brown sugary dough” appeal of Cookie Crisp, but tuned down.

For a more visceral example, it’s like Chips Ahoy!-flavored La Croix.

That’s why the dark brown Dippin’ Dot clusters—stormy black holes now compared to Banana Split’s technicolor blobs—are the only redeeming stars of this otherwise troubled corn puff pile.

The clusters, really just tiny crisped cereal pieces wrapped in a yogurty coating, are actually really good. The popping creaminess of the near-fudgy coating gives each little nugget a burst of half-melted chocolate ice cream flavor—or perhaps it’s the taste of Keebler E.L. Fudge filling that was left out in the sun.

Pretty much a good thing, right?

Well the pretty much bad thing is that there are pretty much no clusters. Sort of like my experience with Banana Split Dippin’ Dots—who I now realize was rated too high because all the clusters rose to the top, biasing my first taste—all these crunchy lil Fudgsicle niblets tend to congregate close together, leading to inconsistent distribution of what, when eating this cereal as a whole, quickly becomes a tool to fight back against a bland sea of corn puffs haunted by choco-nilla echoes.

In short: I won’t tell your family if you pick out all the clusters.

Milk logically should facilitate a better irrigation of flavor, but instead the clusters sink to the bottom of the bowl, waiting somewhere below the near-instantly soggy So-so Puffs for you to eat them in one hedonistic spoonful—if you can get there before the milk melts them.

In short, I kind of lost patience with Cookies ‘n Creme Dippin’ Dots Cereal after realizing how few mouthwatering yet tiny clusters there were. I just can’t justify eating this cereal over Oreo O’s, who manage to pack standalone—and non-paranormal—flavor into every piece.

Now can I get a prospector’s pan to sift all the clusters out?

The Bowl: Dippin’ Dots Cookies ‘n Creme cereal

The Breakdown: With sandwich cookie flavor hinted at only slightly in a nevertheless voluminous sea of corn puffs, as well as a near-pandemic drought of highly tasty clusters, it may be mildly enjoyable when done right, but I’m just not looking to go on a wild goose chase for breakfast.

The Bottom Line: 5 forbidden sparkling water flavors out of 10