What cosmic breakfastian powers command the scales of cereal justice? Which ancient grain gods and granulated goddesses hold court over the eternal fates of discontinued cereal souls, reanimating some amd leaving others in cultically revered purgatory?

Well whoever they are, they’ve got some explaining to do: it’s been nearly half a decade since the heyday (and collapse) of the 2000s’ Toast Crunch empire, and the General Millsian pantheon has only just now resurrected a second member of that power trilogy.

Let me explain—I firmly believe the first of the Toast Crunch’s Y2K success stories to return was not reborn directly. No, Frosted Toast Crunch (2012-2015) must have had its powdered sugar-dusted soul reincarnated in the form of Sugar Cookie Toast Crunch. By binding Frosted Toast Crunch’s might to a seasonally limited plane, this ho-ho-glow up made its predecessor frostier, butterier, and infinitely more loveable.

So now that we’re seeing the total return of the youngest Gen Z Toast Crunch, Chocolate (2013-2016), it begs an eternal question: where is the first among them? Where is my beloved Peanut Butter Toast Crunch? It debuted in 2004 to wide acclaim, even making a brief 2013 re-appearance after its first 2006 retirement. So while I’m ready to dive into these Chocolate Toast Crunch squares with cocoa gusto, it will inevitably leave me hoping for another spiritual successor to PB…

…one that merges its ghostly life energy with that of recently departed Strawberry Toast Crunch.

Though the ingredients list for rebooted Chocolate Toast Crunch is nearly identical to its first iteration, on first bite its cocktail of chocolate and cinnamon was alien, and I had to consult Google for reassurance that this wasn’t a chocolate changeling.

See, Chocolate Toast Crunch is very much a slow burner of a sweet treat. The initial taste indeed brings oiled cocoa powder to the forefront, but it has a strange bittersweet waxiness that gave me pause for the duration of the spoonful. Like the isolated, chewy skin of a freezer-burned Fudgsicle (my second reference to such a thing in the past week), it lacks the creamy milk chocolatiness of a Fudgsicle’s filling–shell interplay.

By some necromantic Toast Crunch magic, ChTC gets better and better the more you eat. The hitherto mild coconut oil aftertaste builds into something more palpably fudgy. Specifically, it reminds me of the buttercreamy choco-nuances of E.L. Fudge filling—which the supple curves of each Chocolate Toast Crunch square would be perfect for carving out of its cookie sandwich, tortilla chip style.

Think I could make a 7-layer dip of it?

Noticeably understated is the cinnamon. Appropriately appearing near the end of this cereal’s ingredients list, the Toast Crunch family’s founding spice provides just a cameo of a warm tingle at the caboose of every spoonful. I think turning up the cinnfulness could’ve gone a long way to making Chocolate Toast Crunch an unforgettable cereal, but its “chocolate cupcake stored adjacent to a cinnamon roll” vibes are tamely evocative all the same.

Milk does its job well by blending Chocolate Toast Crunch’s intricacies into one tasty soup of Dark Chocolate Nesquik. The endmilk may leave a little to desire, as it isn’t quite as decadent as Cocoa Puffs or Cocoa Pebbles’ well-browned bathmilk, but each glistening square finally gets the Fudgsicle-fulfilling creaminess it so desperately needs.

Whether you eat it with a joke-branded wooden spoon is up to you.

Chocolate Toast Crunch is neither the best nor worst Toast Crunch cereal on shelves—it at least tops French Toast Crunch, whose lack of powdered coating has made it tough to stand the taste of time—but in an aisle of same-sy chocolate cereals, its subtle touch of cinnamon flair catapults it to the upper echelons of intentionally fudged decadence. Enjoy it while you can, dry or milked, but if I may give one suggestion:

Add a scoop of peanut butter.

The Bowl: Chocolate Toast Crunch Cereal (2019)

The Breakdown: Elven fudge and dark chocolate milk combine to make this a worthy prodigal of the Toast Crunch lineage—though Father Cinnampn may be upset how much its diluted its spicy roots.

The Bottom Line: 8 Mt. CheeriOlympuses out of 10