Heh, if you thought the economic prognosis for cereal was grim, then its perennial bowlfellow is facing an udderly dire future.

Of course, as active eaters are focusing on more energizing breakfasts, and as dairy consumption is plummeting by the billions of dollars, interest in milk alternatives is increasing amongst consumers across all levels of lactose tolerance. Oat milk, especially, is taking off as the hippest, sippest stuff to put on your cereal—especially if you’re eating a creepy–corny cereal that desperately needs to throwback to the good oat days.

In a radical effort to make milk more appealing to modern kids, Borden Farms has launched three State Fair-inspired milk flavors in select, fair-friendly states. Symbolically implying a situation wherein a blue-ribbon 4H cow broke loose from the clumsy trappings of man to storm the deep-fried fairway before being milked by opportunistic carnies looking to get the most bang out of their heifer-heisted buck, these milks bring Blueberry Cobbler, Banana Taffy, and Cotton Candy to the breakfast table.

Overlooking the clear missed opportunity for a caramelized Funnel Cake Milk (milked from real elephant ears!), this potent lineup of tastes was kindly sent to me by Borden’s Elsie the Cow herself, who pseudo-calmly reminded me between moos that I simply must squat on my stoop in anticipation of a shipment that must be refrigerated immediately in order to keep her sweet nectar crisp and uncurdled.

Well, mission accomplished, Elsie. I don’t do many milk reviews on this site, but given that atomically hued milks are practically begging to be poured atop flavorfully complementary cereals, I couldn’t resist the chance to get a little artsy with my pairings. Here’s hoping I at least get a participation ribbon in the Pastoral Landscapes category.

Borden Farms Blueberry Cobbler Milk Review

The cosmically wise decision to pair a Blueberry Cobbler milk with Golden Grahams came to me serendipitously whilst recording the latest Empty Bowl episode. Perhaps it was the cerebral blessing of a passing idea angel, but whereas my original plan was to bring Boo Berry into the mix, I’m glad I chose to bring some crust into this taste test, rather than doubling down on the blueberry.

Why? Because this stuff is very blueberry-y. I’m talking pure, liquefied pie filling mixed with melted-down blueberry ice cream. I’d certainly consider it a bit too punchy—an indigo uppercut might be the better comparison—to drink straight, so a cereal that’s as neutral or even less sweet than Golden Grahams is vital for toning the stuff down—a theme that will recur in pretty much all the milks here; they’re super sweet, partly because they’re targeted toward kids and partly because they’ve been inspired by the least healthy/most nauseating places on Earth.

In the specific case of Golden Grahams, once you can get over the disquieting sight of haunted lilac swamp water pooling in the cute lil cereal’s cute lil ridges, it doesn’t taste half bad. The Blueberry Cobbler milk certainly overtakes the subtle nuance of the Golden Grahams, but the grounding golden toastiness provides enough of a familiar accent to take some of the sugary edge off—even if the Grahams can’t fully mask the strange, ICEE syrup-esque aftertaste that serves as this berry pie’s Achille’s Peel.

The Bottom Line: 6.5 incoming intestinal poltergeists out of 10

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Borden Farms Banana Taffy Milk Review

If my Blueberry Cobbler review ended abruptly, it’s only because I’m more eager to talk about what I’d consider the most obvious of all the pairings I’ve presented here: Banana Taffy Milk with Peanut Butter Crunch.

Truly a concoction Elvis would slam back by the novelty drinking cap-full, this admittedly sugar-laden combo doesn’t strike one’s palate quite as viper-like as Blueberry Cobbler. For where that lavender swill presents a rollercoaster of delightful pie filling to devious pie chemical, Banana Taffy is the closest in flavor magnitude to an actual milk. Which isn’t surprising, considering how banana milk is already a thing (and sort of sounds like a new experimental music genre).

But of course, the inclusion of Taffy just means Borden Farms’ interpretation of banana milk strikes a more rickety balance between real and fake banana flavorings. Like a Laffy Taffy dunked in a banana cream pie, this creme-colored milk is most like what you’d expect out of a novelty like this—even if I’ve never seen banana taffy at my own hometown country fair, at which I’ve won multiple eating contests, a fact my doctor would hate that I’m still bragging about.

Paired with any sort of peanut butter, this milk definitely makes for a fun cereal dessert for all ages. I can see infinite versatility in its cereal pairings, too, from Cocoa Puffs and Strawberry Cheerios to Powdered Donettes and Caramel Apple Honey Bunches of Oats. This is also the only milk I’d consider drinking on its own—partly so I can go to the zoo and make the monkeys jealous.

If I’m killed by a vengeful chimp, just know my death left a good taste in my mouth.

The Bottom Line: 8.5 calf-einated Cap’n’s out of 10

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Borden Farms Cotton Candy Milk Review

Look, we’ve all made our fair share of mistakes. Some of us have even made our state fair share of mistakes. I made such a mistake here.

When you consider the sheer untapped power of what looks like bottled anime pool water, it immediately becomes clear that there’s just about no reasonable, distinctly flavored cereal that wouldn’t either a) taste awful alongside cotton candy or b) taste good with cotton candy but immediately embalm my innards as I sugar-rush hard enough to clip through my garage door.

So I figured the most reasonable rebuttal would be to choose a cereal so aggressively unflavored, roughly textured, and basic that it is the direct, neutralizing antithesis to a liquid more intimidating than molten lava.

I chose Grape-Nuts, and I immediately paid for that sin.

This milk tastes like cotton candy-flavored candy, plain and simple. For the same reason I’d never pair this with the only cotton candy cereal to ever exist, it’s probably best enjoyed on its own as the clever little flavor gimmick it is—and even then, at a speed no faster than one sip per hour.

While the taste of iridescent blue raspberry flossed between bursts of rosy ambrosia is charming, its fun is diametrically less delicious with the intrusion of gravelly nuts—you know, much like real cotton candy. The earthen aggression of Grape-Nuts is a sharp and largely tough-to-stomach contrast, but to this combo’s credit, all the sedimentary layers of bunched legumes are able to filter out a lot of what’s most fake and cloying about this Cotton Candy milk.

Despite that, it made me feel like I was eating a bowl of Grape-Nuts-&-Bolts, and each spoonful hit my stomach like freshly cannonballed pirate ship shrapnel.

In short, where Blueberry Cobbler is the acceptable but most forgettable gimmick, and Banana Taffy presents the most mixological funhouse of flavor, Borden Farms Cotton Candy milk is by far the most novel of the novelties. Its range of applications are skim to none, but with bottles this small, it’d still doubtlessly enchant some young or young-at-heart member of your family.

That is, until they spill it on the dog, who then shakes it all over the dining room.

The Bottom Line (with cereal): 4 shanghai’d colons out of 10
The Bottom Line (straight): 7 Grape-Nut hurling trebuchets out of 10