Bears love honey, right?

That explains why Bear Naked, a granola brand, has released an inaugural breakfast cereal stuffed with flakes, oat clusters, Winnie the Pooh’s favorite sticky golden elixir of life.

But wait: this new Bear Naked Cereal line also includes Toasted Coconut Clusters and Chocolate Almond Clusters. I’m no zoologist—let alone a grizzlogist—but I don’t think animals in the Ursidae family are known for raiding palm trees or Swiss chocolatiers.

Bamboo Clusters I could understand. Alaskan Salmon Clusters? Sure. But Bear Naked’s gonna have to make a compelling case for these cereals’ accuracy to their source material.

But let’s start with the logical one, shall we? As the buzziest of the three, Sweet Honey Clusters will be the gatekeeper that determines whether I’ll buy the other two—because at roughly $3.99 a box, these bunches cost bunches.

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…oh, you’re still here? Sorry, I was just doing a little winter hibernation, because the taste—or lack thereof—of these Bear Naked flakes put me to sleep. They have an intriguingly woodsy and nutty almond glaze—like Honey Nut Cheerios roasted over a ski lodge fireplace—but it’s too mild for any taste buds accustomed to the sugary punch of Golden Grahams or actual Bear Naked granola. Even the flakes’ “multiseed” base is pretty bland, like the bird feed brick my parents bought that I promise I only tasted because it looked just like a Clif Bar. Please don’t judge me.

Despite their avian flavor, these flakes do have a crunch that’s mighty enough to startle a Kodiak.

Speaking of Kodiak, the clusters are slightly more interesting, because they remind me of dense, grainy, and oat-stuffed flapjacks like those made from Kodiak Cakes. The granola bits are more gummy and chewy than crunchy, their dominant flavor is “almond oatmeal,” and they have a pleasantly syrupy finish of real honey.

But this isn’t the bee honey or clover honey taste you’ll recognize from any number of translucent bear bottles. Instead, Bear Naked Sweet Honey Clusters have the dark, molasses-y edge of buckwheat honey.

Milk makes the “buckwheatiness” even more vivid—and noticeably more tasty. It doesn’t do much for the irredeemable flakes, but milk soaks deep into the formerly chewy clusters, making them soft and doughy. If “Buckwheat Honey” ever became a Teddy Grahams flavor, it’d taste like these milk-soaked clusters. And when you factor in the flakes, the whole bowl of Bear Naked Sweet Honey Clusters becomes darkly sweet and aggressively toasted: picture an overdone honey cruller that sat in a Tim Hortons bakery case too long.

As with most sub-par cereals, I found a way to salvage this one: by pairing it with a thematically appropriate oatmeal flavor. Meijer makes a Vanilla Honey Oatmeal with Greek yogurt bits, and scattering Bear Naked’s oat bunches into a steamy sea of their mushy oat brethren yielded a satisfactory dark honey–light honey flavor combo—not to mention a yogurty tang that gave a sour cream glaze to my crispy crullers.

I know I used a lot of imaginative analogies to describe Sweet Honey Clusters, but the cereal is ultimately forgettable. The idea of “nutty honey clusters” has been done more sweetly and successfully—even by Kellogg’s itself. If you’re up for some breakfast D.I.Y, I’d recommend mixing the clusters from Honey Bunches of Oats into some raisin-less Raisin Bran Crunch, instead.

Contrary to my expectations, the overwhelmingly “meh” flavor of Sweet Honey Clusters makes me want to try Bear Naked’s other cereal flavors even more, just to see if the brand’s namesake mammal can be redeemed. The cereal aisle needs another lovable Teddy to challenge Sugar Bear’s ursine dominance, and I can’t picture ol’ Rough Ridin’ Roosevelt jumping into the breakfast game any time soon.

Though “crunch softly and carry a big spoon” would be a great catchphrase.

The Bowl: Bear Naked Sweet Honey Clusters Cereal

The Breakdown: With flavorless flakes and a steep price tag, Sweet Honey Clusters can’t even be redeemed by its rare Teddy Graham pancake clusters. Nevertheless, my stomach is growling to try another. Which would you like to see next: Chocolate Almond or Toasted Coconut?

The Bottom Line: 4.5 Sugar Bear coups out of 10

(Quick Nutrition Facts: 220 calories, 4 grams of fiber, 10 grams of sugar, and 5 grams of protein per 1 cup serving)