Thins. Crisps. Lite Snacks. Husks. Narrowed, flattened, and otherwise vaguely “healthified” versions of popular junk food flavors go by many names, but they share one constant: they’re never better than the originals, though one could hardly expect them to. At best, they make the toothsome tastes they’ve inherited more lithe and mobile.
I’m not sure whether portion size or convenience was the primary genesis behind Pop-Tarts Crisps—or perhaps it was heritage?—but thus far, we’ve seen three flavors of the little pastry planks hit shelves, each more okay-ish-er than the last. Now with Appletastic Pop-Tarts Crisps landing out of left field, Pop-Tarts has made the conspicuous decision to not only drop another fruity Crisps flavor, but to also make it one that’s no longer even part of the main Pop-Tart cast. While Pop-Tarts Bites have at least made noble efforts to expand the taste profile of its line’s spotlit flavors, I have to wonder whether these will be Appletastic enough to make up for not being S’Mores Pop-Tarts Crisps.
But no more blabbing: it’s time to go bobbing!
Ever had an Apple Cinnamon Nutri-Grain Bar? Y’know, the ones that’re softer than pillows and remind me of preschool naptime? Yeah, Appletastic Pop-Tarts Crisps are like one of those run-through with a cheese slicer.
Well, minus the cinnamon, of course, though I’d be unlikely to notice any spice even if it were there. The point is that Appletastic, and Pop-Tarts Crisps in general, are very crust-heavy when it comes to dominant flavor waves. This isn’t entirely a bad thing—in fact, the crust on each Crisp is probably the best part anyway. It’s like a sweet and buttery cracker, made punchier with an additional layer of faintly mouthwatering icing.
But even though the crust is better than the filling, the sheer subtlety of the latter is more of tantalizing tease. This thin spread of caramelized apple sauce could be great, if I could taste more of it. Instead, we only get a phantasmal kiss from Johnny Appleseed’s over-processed specter, a smack of golden-browned apple paste that hovers somewhere between on-tree authenticity and flavored oatmeal dust. Certainly a pleasant enough experience for the <1 minute run time of each two-Crisp pouch, but far less satisfying in terms of gut satiation than just about any other apple snack out there.
Look, there’s nothing wrong with Appletastic Pop-Tarts Crisps, but there’s nothing memorable about them either, to the point where I’ve had to eat several pouches during the course of this review just to keep jogging my tongue’s memory. Unless you’re a fruit purist or an apple fanatic to the core, I can’t think of a strong reason to choose Appletastic over “Strawberrylicious” (though of course I’m biased as a strawb-superfan). If nothing else, at least it isn’t another Confetti Cupcake Pop-Tarts peripheral product, but that isn’t saying much.
Because I’d probably pick a Raspberry Pop-Tarts Crisp over that fate, and folks: 
that is saying a lot.
The Bowl: New Appletastic Pop-Tarts Crisps
The Breakdown: Not apple-y enough to be satisfying, not girthy enough to be gratifying, these Crisps are bound to be largely lost to history, relegated to a mere footnote on the Pop-Tarts Wiki.
The Bottom Line: 4.5 chocolatey Pop-Tarts crying out for recognition out of 10