That’s what I’ve been calling Pop-Tarts for years, and it only feels more accurate the wackier these little pastries get. I mean, think about it: foil wrapping, colorfully zany designs, printed fun, mysteries, and different attack formations (plain, toasted, frozen).
What, you’re telling me you’ve never crammed your Blue-Eyes White Dragon in the toaster? No wonder you’ve lost touch with the Heart Tart of the Cards.
Anyway, Kellogg’s latest P-T booster pack boasts some heavy hitters: Eggo Frosted Maple, Apple Fritter, and Boston Creme Donut (which I was tragically unable to track down). Let’s let these first two duel it out on the battlefield of my palate, and see who ends up with more life points (spoiler alert, but after eating this many Pop-Tarts, it certainly won’t be me). Continue reading →
I don’t know about this, y’all. Between this pancake kit and last week’s Cinnamon Toast Crunch Coffee Cake, cereal reviewing rarely requires this much effort from me. See, half the fun of reviewing cereal is that you’ve just gotta pour a bowl, pour some milk, and dig in. Take some pictures, and then there’s only one dish to clean. But now you’re telling me I have to soak ‘n’ soap ‘n’ scrub a big mixing bowl, a whisk, a measuring cup or two, a frying pan, a plate, and a fork? Maaaan, it really harshens my vibe when I have to elevate myself from “total lazy layabout” to “lowest-bar functioning person.”
But for you, dear readers, I will clear that ankle-high bar. Just let me take a seat on it first and rest my eyes for a moment… Continue reading →
See her? That red-haired, doe-eyed dame looking all innocent at the top of this Frosty Cereal?
It’s her fault. All of it. The turmoil afflicting our world, the sallow tension draped over everything, the insidious doom oozing from every earthly orifice: or The Baconated Blight of Wendy, as I like to collectively call it.
You see, if Wendy’s social media accounts hadn’t decided to kickstart an insidious trend of sassy, apathetic, and terminally online brands, I’m convinced we wouldn’t be in this mess. I truly loathe the soulless snark of faceless corporate entities, and for that I can never forgive Ol’ Gwendolyn or her new Frosty Cereal here.
It doesn’t help that this cereal really phoned it in component-wise, pairing boring chocolate spheres with the worst marbits imaginable—but I’m getting ahead of myself. Let’s see just how Wendy’s Frosty Cereal fares in my bowl…
…and if I hear one cocky clapback from the girl on the box, I’m heaving the whole thing in a gravel pit. Continue reading →
BITE-SIZED REVIEW: Cinnamon Almond Butter Plentifull is good, but the PB version is more focused, with richer nuances.
Neither Cinnamon nor Almond are prevalent enough here—it tastes mostly like brown sugar. Not bad (7/10), but I could do better by mixing Cheerios Oat Crunches pic.twitter.com/b7Rhr8JQ23
Oh, don’t mind me—just sharing a few quick reviews that aren’t quite rich enough for full blog breakdowns. Be sure to follow me on Twitter for more to-the-minute thoughts like these!
BITE-SIZED REVIEW: It's a box mix, so temper your expectations for CTC Coffee Cake, but it's still cinn-ply tasty & easy to make. Picture a zucc-less zucchini bread.
Bonus points for including way more streusel than needed—wish I had a Fun Dip Lik-A-Stik to finish it off pic.twitter.com/GGdCEY9qUk
Oh, and check out the latest upcoming bit of Kelloggian ephemera hitting shelves now—
Frosted Flakes is adding new vanilla-flavored marshmallows, shaped like (me guessing without reading the fine print): – Goldfish crackers – Flowey Undertale – Sideshow Bob with a big beefy arm – Frogs – Beast-mode Grimace crawling on all fours pic.twitter.com/fuDiKsJ7BR
Woof. I think I’ve typed the phrase “Toast Crunch” enough times in the past month that my fingers are starting to develop tastefully swirled auburn calluses.
Don’t get me wrong, I love Cinnamon Toast Crunch, but I can only stand to see its namesake flavor blasted on so many products in such a short time before those three words start to lose all meaning. Heck, I’ve long since stopped seeing “cinnamon toast” as an actual breakfast confection people enjoy on its own—let alone the entirely absurd likes of “Frosted Toast” and “Apple Pie Toast.”
But now, General Mills is making “Toast Crunch” mean even less than ever, with an extensive new line of “Cinnamoji Toast Crunch” cereals. With a total of six different boxes already planned, this veritable cinn-ematic universe of cinnamon sugar is a little hard to parse, but I’ll try my best.
See, first of all, you’ve got the origin story: Cinnamoji Toast Crunch. The gimmick here is that, while CTC has long been known for having the swirled “taste you can see,” Cinnamoji Toast Crunch will have a taste that can see you, too, as they’ll feature little Cinnamoji faces baked into each piece.
However, that’s just the beginning, as Cinnamoji Toast Crunch will be joined by a number of other limited-edition boxes fronted by ‘moji likenesses of various celebrities I’ve never heard of…and SpongeBob? Snowboarder Chloe Kim will kick off the line with Chloe Toast Crunch, with releases to follow including:
SpongeBob SquarePants in Cinnamon Toast Crunch Squared – with a spatula fit for flipping patties or chowing down on a bowl of cereal
Professional football star Justin Jefferson in Griddy Toast Crunch – named after the iconic touchdown dance – with a custom Under Armour sweatshirt
Popular Urbano singer Manuel Turizo in Manuel Toast Crunch – with a flat-brimmed cap with Manuel’s Cinnamoji
Actress and Music Recording Artist Leslie Grace in Leslie Toast Crunch – debuting with a NEFF beanie embroidered with her Cinnamoji
Best of all, anyone can visit CinnamojiMe.com to enter for a chance to win a box of Cinnamoji Toast Crunch bearing your own name and likeness (additional entries can be earned by entering codes with participating cereal purchases). And as much as I’d rather see a brand new, unique Toast Crunch flavor—Gingerbread, Nutella, or PB&J Toast Crunch, hello??—boy would I still be satisfied to see a floppy purple pompadoured Cinnamoji on the front of a Dan Toast Crunch.
There ya go, General Mills: I just wrote you a free catchphrase that uses trendy lingo all today’s kids can relate to.
What’s that you say? I’m not a youth any more, let alone a hip nor happenin’ one? Well listen, I came here to review twice-fruited Cheerios, not walk right into a self-inflicted existential crisis like Sideshow Bob into a rake.
The point of my haplessly out-of-touch sloganeering was to simply point out how, as a brand, Cheerios does not miss. Those dense ‘n’ hearty toasted oat rings are the perfect vehicles for any flavor imaginable, to the point where I can’t think of a Cheerios variety I didn’t like. At worst, you’ll get something that’s just plain solid like Chocolate Strawberry Cheerios, but more often than not, Cheerios is cranking, churning, extruding, and glazing out hit after hit—to the point where it starts to make little sense why less impeccably consistent cereal lines like Lucky Charms and the Toast Crunch family seem to get all the public praise.
I get it, though. Cheerios doesn’t have the same bombastic, kid-focused and mascot-fronted brand appeal, but darn it, Cheerios should. As one of the last breakfast aisle bastion’s of purely oat-powered acumen, Cheerios deserves first dibs when it comes to creative new flavor infusions.
And if, somehow, you needed even more convincing proof of Cheerios’ wholesome bowlsome of O-some awesomeness, look no further than these new Strawberry Banana Cheerios. Continue reading →
Ah, looks like General Mills and I both have the same mindset for 2022: “just f*** it, who cares.” I mean, why ideate a new cereal when you can just reroute the pipes in the cereal factory and call it a day?
Sorry if I sound bitter, but as a sprightly and imaginative hobby cereal mixologist, it irks me a bit when cereal companies take the brainstorming fun out of dreaming up your own cereal combos—though they’ll have to pry the “Honey Nut Bunches of Cheeri-Oats” out of my cold, spoon-gripping hands.
This trend started with the Frosted Failure of Kellogg’s Mashups, and now GM clearly just wants their own cut of the low-hanging fruit harvest. It’s no surprise that they’re starting with Cinnamon Toast Crunch and Lucky Charms, since these are two of their most iconic brands, plus they get paired up time and time again when it comes to cross-branded cereal infusions. However, I have to imagine this won’t be a particularly satisfying MIX! (their excited emphasis, not mine; I’d’ve used a glum ellipsis…), as combining these two cereals doesn’t really evoke any common flavor pairings (would it’ve been so hard to just give us like, PB&J Reese’s/Trix Puffs or something?). Plus at this point, why not just bring back Cinnamon Lucky Charms?
Sorry if this blog post comes across as aimless and disordered—I wanted it to be lazy as the subject matter. But whatever: Cinnamon Toast Crunch & Lucky Charms MIX! is hitting stores now.
Sometimes you just want the movie theater popcorn, with the sextuple pumps of atomic yellow butter that’ll leave your palms semi-translucent.
Sometimes you just want Chinese food from the place in the rundown strip mall, where the sesame chicken is so oily that the paper takeout container is leaking from every fold.
And sometimes (most times), my cats would rather eat the processed kibble equivalent of a Big Mac, instead of a freshly ground turkey pâté.
That’s how I internally rationalize any remaining appeal of Reese’s Puffs. Simply put, for me Reese’s Puffs are outclassed on every edible level by Chocolate Peanut Butter Cheerios, which really nail the sumptuous blend of milky cocoa and authentically nutty butter that I’m looking for out of such a cereal.
In comparison, the choco-PB approach of Reese’s Puffs feels cheap and hollow, yet weighed down by an oily processed-ness that progressively glazes your tongue with sluggish sweetness. And while that may sound unappealing, sometimes that’s exactly what you need out of a mainline cereal—nothing too high falutin’, just glorious garbage. I’d say I get such a specific craving for Reese’s Puffs maybe once a year, so I’m getting it out of the way early for 2022 with this new Reese’s Puffs Cluster Crunch. Continue reading →
