I’ve always firmly believed that cereal is more than yum of its parts.
Sure, it’s delicious, but I suspect that many have a lingering fanaticism for it—not that I would know, of course—because of the feelings it connotes, in both the past and present tense.
Carefree whimsy, rose-tinted rosiness, Limited Edition Kemp’s Gingerbread Man Ice Cream Sandwiches: whatever childhood means to you, that’s what cereal stands for.
It just happens to often come in chocolatey marshmallow form, too
So while I’ve spent many a morn’ tasting, reviewing, and inevitably continuing to eat said cereal ’til about lunch, I’ve always wanted to explore these broader reasons for loving cereal “culture,” so to speak. It’s why I feel so strongly about The Empty Bowl‘s commitment to the zen art of cereal eating. Continue reading →
Hear me out: Pop-Tarts history is rich with not only decadent filling, but with convenience-focused pastry offshoots, too. And from the mid-’90s up until just a few years ago, these cult classic pieces of Pop-Tart paraphernalia have died off, leaving only the humble P-T in its original, rectangularly sugar-sandwiched form.
But in the span of just a few months, it’s beginning to look like Pop-Tarts isn’t just reanimating one of its bite-, fun-, and nibble-sized products, but nearly all of them. First we heard that Pop-Tarts Crunch will be back (in both classic varieties), by early 2019.
Then came the spiritual successor of Pop-Tarts Mini-Crisps, the poshly pouched Pop-Tarts Bites, which will also come in the brand’s flagship flavors of Strawberry and Brown Sugar Cinnamon.
And now that we have confirmation of “new” Pop-Tarts Crisps—in, surprise surprise, “Strawberrylicious” and “Brown Sugar Cinnamazing”—that means the toaster pastry leviathan’s oft-forgotten Snak-Stix are also (sort of) back. You know, to fill our stomachs and couch cushions with crispy-crumbly Pop-Tarts flavor in a wafered-enough form to justify it as a light, pre-breakfast snack.
While they’re still filled, it remains to be seen just how well these Pop-Tarts Crisps—which look more like, in a highly complimentary way, iced cross-sections of cardboard than Pop-Tarts—will stack up against their pastry predecessors, but for now, this news leaves me with two important questions to ponder:
1) Will S’Mores, let alone Cookies & Cream, ever get another chance at spin-off stardom?
2) And more importantly, will Go-Tarts come back next to complete the crunchy quadrilogy?
I need my grippable, Go-Gurt sized Pop-Tart fix, people!
(EDIT: As of January 2020, Waffle Crisp has again been spotted in America. So far, in bagged form at Walmart!)
Oof.
This one hurts.
No one ever thinks they’ll outlive their favorite cereals. After all, for many of us, the iconic flavors and mascots that built the breakfast aisle, from Cheerios to Frosted Flakes, have existed since we were born and strongly endured as mythical presences through the golden graces of youth.
If it takes a village to raise a child, it takes a pantheon of cereal characters to build a childhood.
And for me, one of those most trusted breakfast table companions was Waffle Crisp. Where others have fond loaven recollections of French Toast Crunch, my maple memories are less Francophilic and more Belgicious. Though my Belgian heritage may be to thank, the miniature waffles’ sticky sweet maple syrup glaze really filled heart with joy—much like real syrup cascading into a freshly ironed waffle’s checkered pockets.
Oh, and the iconic smell that precedes the cereal, filling any kitchen, conservatory, or football stadium where the box is opened? I need it in cologne form, yesterday.
That’s why I chose Waffle Crisp for my first ever “Classic Review,” and it’s why I nearly shed a single, amber tear when hearing from fan Sydney N. that he spotted the cereal on Post’s discontinued products page.
(Waffle) battered and heartbroken, I reached out to Post, hoping this listing was just some horrible prank pulled by Dr. Burnt Toast, to get back at the wonderful Waffle Boy, but their customer service team confirmed my fears.
Yes, Waffle Crisp has been discontinued. It’s a sad day, especially when Post has been cranking out a number of great cereals lately. Waffle Crisp has already been difficult for many to find in the last few years, but with the cereal’s (literally) rich, Eggo-topping 20+ year history, it would be especially sad if the success of Oreo O’s and its ilk was what pushed Waffle Boy off shelves.
All hope might not be lost, of course: those of lucky enough to have reliable WC access can stock up while we can, and despite this news, Post’s extremely similar Good Morenings Waffle Crunch cereal—whose in-store availability, appropriately, also waffles—hasn’t been officially discontinued yet [EDIT: I’m told this has also been discontinued 🥺].
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JqkQsq23DwA
So while the flavor may persevere, and while old cereals make fan-requested comebacks all the time (I hope they bring the grandmas back too in 20 years, and maybe a Pancake Crisp variant while they’re at it), I guess I’ll have to eat a bowl of Maple Cheerios in respectful solidarity, recognizing that my youthful maple tastes have to grow up a little. And add a little fiber too.
But that doesn’t mean I can’t leave this article with one last elegy for my departing friend: Oh, Waffle Boy, the Post, the Post is calling From bowl to bowl, and down the pantry side. The syrup’s gone, and all the milk is sogging, It’s you, it’s you must go and I must crunch alone.
If bizarre sci-fitelevision series from the ’90s have taught me anything, it’s that there are parallel versions of this world couched in other universes. Some have minor differences, like a perplexing land in which Thanksgiving is celebrated in October. In others, though, we might see some truly uncanny results of the Butterfly Effect. It seems Trader Joe’s mad scientist cousin (unlike Trader José, Dr. Trader Cornelius lacked the name chops for his family’s grocery biz) has been messing with enriched choclanium again, because my preferred cozy beverage has merged with another snackish reality, just like that time Captain America met Batman.
Trader Joe’s Organic Hot Cocoa Frosted Toaster Pastries arrived as something of a dark horse (see, it works as a reference to both comic books and chocolate… I’m a lonely man, OK?). Without much heralding, these sly slats of sweet science turned up on shelves recently, if a bit out-of-season given their clear holiday vibe. The packaging is plain in that TJ’s way, so we get no hints on the flavor there. Best to dive in and see what’s on the other end of this iced nexus.
I just don’t understand the obsession with Santa Claus.
Yeah, yeah, I get it: ‘cap on head, suit that’s red; special night, beard that’s white,’ and all that holly jolly jazz. But he comes every year, without fail, on the same day! Where’s the excitement in that?
Everyone knows true mythological icons don’t show their secret selves on any regular schedule. If they did, we’d all have chupacabras hatching from our Easter eggs. No, the true holiday legends appear when you least suspect them—whether that means a collision course with Macy’s Sonic the Hedgehog balloon, a goaty hug from Krampus, or an unexpected visit from Sugar Cookie Toast Crunch
To uninitiated taste buds, Sugar Cookie Toast Crunch may sound like a merry meal at best, or an overly sweet slop at worst. But for those of us who tried these twinklingly dusted squares during their illustrious two-year run know that it’s something more: a wonderful collision of buttery cookie dough and a box of powdered donuts (perhaps a herald of what’s to come?), all topped with a blizzard of flaky vanilla icing
The cereal has high cult appeal, and for two years now, many have eagerly awaited its return. Each December, we set aside our palate differences in support of two common goals: restore the spirit of Sugar Cookie Toast Crunch, and crush any alleged substitute into stardust.
And it seems this year we’ve finally brute-forced our way onto the nice list, because new art for Sugar Cookie Toast Crunch has appeared on Walmart’s site. The cereal isn’t available yet—as it shouldn’t be; my porch pumpkins haven’t even begun their slow disintegration yet!—but the very gift of its possible presence is enough to have me happily crunching through the autumn leaves—in anticipation of crunching something better.
So thank you to Hillary H. for the tip on these, and my appreciation to all who made their love for Sugar Cookie Toast Crunch heard. Now, would you mind redirecting that energy to help push General Mills’ gumdrop buttons about a Gingerbread Toast Crunch?
Sure, you could grab some Barbasol and shave a caramel apple, but it would be much harder to cleanly disembowel a Rolo, power wash some caramel corn, or exorcise a Werther’s Original.
And I bet it would be downright impossible to synthesize the caramel out of a Caramel Apple Pop-Tart, so while we have yet to hear if Kellogg’s delightfully golden-juiced toaster pastries will be returning this year, we do know the brand’s autumnal fair will soon be joined by Crisp Apple. So this could be Caramel Apple unmasked, or Crisp Apple Pop-Tarts could just be the spiritual successor to the busheled lineage of apple Pop-Tarts flavors that have already come and gone.
Apple Cinnamon. Apple Blast. Apple Strudel. American Apple Pie. Apple Cinnamon Muffin. Jolly Rancher Green Apple. The list goes on—heck, Apple Currant was even one of Pop-Tarts opening flavors. But the unconventionally named Crisp Apple Pop-Tarts—were they not named Apple Crisp to avoid the cinnamon dessert-esque connotations?—rather than an inside-out apple pie, look more like Apple Blast than anything, with a simple sheet-ghost frosting and likely beige filling.
As first reported by Candy Hunting, these will be an exclusive Pop-Tart flavor, but we don’t know where at yet. So while there’s an outside chance your local orchard is growing an exclusive strain of them, Crisp Apple’s jumbo packaging suggests, at least to me, that a big box store like Walmart might be a better place to camp.
It won’t stop me from doing my Johnny Appleseed cosplay, though!
See, I’m comfortable dwelling amongst the cereal greats, sharing so many of my breakfasts with Cap’n Crunch and Toucan Sam that I’m librariously well-versed in their extended universe lore. But now that the likes of Lucio and Deadpool—two characters whose narratives I can’t keep up with—start invading the cereal aisle?
Well then I feel like less of a cereal blogger and more of a cereal Facebook user’s grandma.
So I’ll happily tell you that the apparently much-desired Lucio Oh’s cereal will be coming soon in Sonic Vanilla flavor, but I can’t make any winking jokes or references about it—I’d try Googling it, but I don’t want to waste precious brain real estate currently occupied by Season 4 Simpsons quotes and obscure GameCube game memories.
Cubivore is at stake here!
While I predicted this would be an FYE cereal, even after researching Junk Food Aisle’s news, I couldn’t find any store news. The branding indicates Kellogg’s ownership, so perhaps it may hit wider store releases soon.
But what is coming to FYE? Almost definitely the first outwardly profane cereal—I hear the Cap’n swears like a soggy/groggy sailor, but that doesn’t count.
Deadpool $&!#% Flakes, which I can only assume totally translates to Deadpool Super Flakes, or perhaps Deadpool Shrek Flakes.
Farquad does sound explicit, after all.
Deadpool’s [PARENTAL ADVISORY] Flakes are already available on FYE’s site for a $&!#%-worthy price of $12.99. Suffice to say that as a non-fan who suspects these will just be sugary corn flakes—as is the FYE tradition of high art, low flavor collectible production—I may save my $12.99 for a binge buy of Pop-Tarts Bites.
Trust me, when I eat a bowl of them with milk, we’ll all get our money’s worth.
Sure, we’ve all been dreaming of Cocoa Puffs since 9am (just minutes after finishing our morning Cocoa Krispies), but I mean really thinking about cereal. Like, contemplating the nihilistic ramifications of a world wear slightly torn cereal boxes will never close again.
It can be tough to squeeze this kind of munchable meditation into our everyday lives, so if you need a little spiritual spoon guidance, let Justin McElroy and I be your yummy yogis (I can keep this alliteration up all day) with episode 2 of The Empty Bowl.
For those out of the Froot Loop, The Empty Bowl is a 15-25 minute discussion about the latest and greatest in breakfast cereal. It’s packed with positive reinforcement and relaxing tones, so you can enjoy breakfast—or the dreadful first hour after lunch—in extra crispy peace.
In this episode, we look at some of the holiday cereal news that’s already breaking through all the Hallo-headlines, walk through my recent experience with a Cap’n Crunch Blender, and regale you kind listeners with the history and future of Pop-Tart Cereal.
If that sounds like your cup of milk, you can enjoy the show above, or use this link to subscribe and support The Empty Bowl. Half of any generous donations go toward keeping this site afloat, and the other half will go to the Facing Hunger Foodbank in Huntington, WV.
My deepest thanks to everyone who has listened to, contributed to, rated, reviewed, or otherwise directed good vibes toward The Empty Bowl so far. I am simultaneously humbled by the feedback, encouraged to get over my fear of voice work, and inspired to keep creating a richer, calmer, and more enjoyable breakfast experience for cereal heads across the world.
So as the old saying goes: Don’t forget to drink the milk—or chug a Cap’n Crunch Blender.
